I don’t surf the Net very much. I don’t have a problem with spending hours wandering through cyberspace – actually, I think it’s kinda cool – I just don’t have the time. Basically, I stick to my favourite sites every day, and that works for me. However, every once in a while, I go nuts and get tangled up in the web of The Web — and I’m lost in space for a couple of hours. I never think of these Cyber adventures as time wasted. I learned way back in the dialup days that the Internet is an enchanted garden, and once you weed out the idiots, the place is blooming with beautiful flowers. Here’s just a small bouquet of some front porch philosophers I found the other day.
Taxation is just the yearly subscription fee you pay to live in your country; your childhood was the free trial.
Don’t ask me what’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever done: I haven’t peaked yet.
I just hate it when I accidently step on my dog’s tail because I feel so guilty that I can’t properly explain that it was an accident and I’m really, really sorry.
It’s never a good sign when your fitness watch starts flashing stress warnings and you haven’t even gotten out of bed yet.
You know you were right all along when they name a hurricane after your ex.
It’s definitely love when your girlfriend comes home totally drunk, stands by the bed, starts taking off her clothes, stops and says, “I’m sure you’re awfully nice, but I have a boyfriend.” And then walks out and goes to sleep on the sofa.
The other day I thought it would be cool if someone invented a hot veggie smoothie; then I remembered — it’s called soup.
Cargo pants are just cleverly disguised purses.
If you eat probiotic yogurt when you’re taking antibiotics, does that mean you’re coming out about even?
When I was young, I fell off my bike and fractured my ankle. I rode my bike home. Last week, I stubbed my toe– and I haven’t left the sofa since.
When I was young, I wanted to spend a year backpacking across Asia. These days, I’m pissed when the bum warmer in my car isn’t warm enough.
When I was young, I thought I’d have a great career, a wild social life, a cool apartment and a retirement plan. I ended up with mismatched wineglasses and a toilet that won’t quit flushing unless you jiggle the handle.
I hate being the parent because I always have to say no to all the same things I loved doing as a kid.
Every morning, men leave the house with nothing but their phone, their wallet and their keys. How do they make it through the day?
That awkward moment when you ask a girl out for the first time — and then, five years later you ask her to marry you — and she says no – both times.
Finally realizing that the reason you clean the house before people come over is you don’t want them to think you actually live this way.
When you accidently fart in a meeting and it sounds like somebody’s stretching the neck of a balloon.
Telling all your friends you have a twin so you don’t have to talk to them in public.
The secret to a successful marriage is never hating each other – on the same day.
With all the crap that’s going on in the world, these days I watch The Shining to relax.
The only thing in the universe that’s worse than a Man Cold is being married to someone who has a Man Cold.
Realizing you’re excited about Valentine’s Day because you know chocolate’s going to go on sale the morning of the 15th.
“Ignore this text. I’m pretending to add some jerk’s telephone number to my contacts.”
It’s always difficult when you find out your wife eats spaghetti with a spoon and divorce lawyers are outrageously expensive — on the same day.
You know you’ve been in lockdown too long when the kids start referring to the Amazon delivery guy as Uncle Freddie.
Single people don’t know there’s a wrong way to load the dishwasher.
The best thing about working from home is you don’t have to fight through all the lunch purses in the company refrigerator — and, sometimes, a pigeon sits on the balcony.
When coworkers, doctors and boyfriends say “we,” they usually mean “you.”
And a couple of my favourites:
You can tell a lot about a person by the way they treat the people who work in restaurants.
People who add a “but” when they apologize aren’t actually apologizing.