I miss the days when sin was a tangible commodity. You knew where you stood back then. There were clear lines that you kinda crossed occasionally (or more often) but you did so at your peril. There were consequences for being a dick. Okay, some of the rules were a bit much; after all, who among us hasn’t coveted their neighbour’s ass a time or two (metaphorically speaking) and I’ve never been convinced that a hotdog on Friday was enough to unleash the hounds of hell. However, most of us (even the scoffers) stayed away from the Big Boys and left hardcore sinning to the professionals. These days, however, sin has become a moveable feast, and even saints are having trouble trying to figure it out. Luckily, I’m here to help. I’ve created a 7 step scale that navigates the sin-isphere – from “You’ve some got explaining to do” to “Burn in hell!”
7 — Irish Pubs outside of Ireland – If you want to make fun of somebody, there’s no better way to do it than find an ordinary bar, change the name to “O’ Something,” stick a neon shamrock over the door and serve bad Guinness and potato skins. This is a sin. And the only way to make it worse is to have leprechaun-tossing contests on Too-Ra-Loo-Ra Tuesdays. Where the hell are the cultural appropriation people when you need them? (BTW, this goes double for faux French cafes!)
6 — Stupid Foodie Stuff – There’s the deal: Cheeseburger Pizza is not fusion food: it’s a sin. Yeah, and turkey gravy ice cream is, too. Real foodies are wonderful people – creative and adventurous — but the wannabes are culinary crackheads. They have no respect for themselves, their guests or what they put in their mouths. What next? Oreos and Orange juice? I wouldn’t bet against it!
5 — Male Fashions – Men have always dressed like idiots – witness the codpiece – but in the 21st century, it’s gotten out of hand and needs to be called what it is – a sin. No human (forget a Supreme Being) can look with favour on a baseball cap on backwards, an Aloha shirt, cargo shorts and flip flops — all at the same business meeting — on the same guy. Dress for success has become God, what a mess! No wonder most women believe men think with their protruding parts.
4 — Comical Clothing on Pets – No, no, no! A thousand times no! Devil horns, reindeer antlers, bowties, propeller beanies, frilly skirts and false moustaches are not cute on animals: they’re a sin. What you have just done is taken your most trusting friend, the one who’s been there for you, every time, without fail, (remember the night Herbie Jenkins dumped you?) and made them look ridiculous – for your own amusement. This comes under the “Do unto others” doctrine. If you insist on dressing your pets in comical clothes, they should have the right to take you to the doctor and have you neutered. Fair is fair!
3 — Bullshit University Degrees – Taking an 18-year-old, who is less than a decade away from believing Batman is a career choice, and convincing them to go into debt up to their eyeballs to get a degree in Leadership is a sin. We’ve created at least one (and probably two) generations of seriously over-educated/woefully under-qualified young people who have no marketable skills beyond pouring coffee and complaining. And considering how badly they got screwed, who can blame them when they can’t do either one properly?
2 — Women’s Magazines – Even though, in recent years, these tableaux of evil have migrated from ink and photo to font and pixel, they are still the total sin they’ve always been. When the only reason you exist is to tell women there’s something wrong with them, there’s something wrong with you. This is psychological abuse on an industrial scale.
1 — Litter and Twitter – These two are off the scale on the Sin meter. There is nothing worse than wantonly throwing your garbage on the ground or spewing vindictive trash across Cyberspace. Nothing! There is never, ever a reason to do either, and they are both just wrong – full stop.