Tag: North Korea

These Are Just Two Of My Scariest Things

scared2There are certain things that scare the hell out of me.  I’m not talking about spiders or demons or even fear of loose hair.  (Dig this: it’s common enough we have a name for it: trichophobia.)  Nor am I talking weird superstitions like Friday the 13th or black cats.  I’m talking about things that, if I thought about them too much, I’d actually lose sleep over.  Things that are big enough to rip our little world off its moorings and bring the civilization we all know (and prefer to ignore) crashing down around our ears.  I’m an optimist, but this stuff tests my faith like forty days in the wilderness never could.

Recently, an official North Korean news agency reported that North Korean archeologists had discovered an ancient site which confirms the existence of … wait for it … unicorns.  Apparently, some ancient emperor guy had a herd of them or some such nonsense and, now, here in the 21st century, North Korean scientists have found their lair.  To be fair, after a small but pointedly hilarious Internet storm, the North Koreans have recanted saying it was all a big mistaken translation.  Yeah, right!  I believe that.  I don’t know many words in Korean, but I imagine the word “unicorn” is just as unique in that language as it is in mine.  That’s not my point, however, I don’t care if the North Koreans think they’ve found unicorns, a flock of migrating Phoenixes or the Fountain of Youth; my scaredproblem is these guys have nuclear weapons!  Not only that, but they’re busy working on a system that would deliver them — in a big hurry — to my little corner of the world.  Somehow, people who find unicorns under the bed don’t fill me with maximum confidence on the judgement front.  My four-year-old nephew believes in unicorns, and we don’t even let him play with the television remote.  The closest he gets to pushing buttons is some Spell and Speak electronic game that went nuts one night and kept shouting “fart” – to his obvious delight.

However, as much as Kim Jong whatever-his-name-is-this-week in North Korea scares me skinny, the folks who really keep me awake at night are Madmoud Ahmadinejad and his band of mad scientists over in Iran.  These people gave up on the 20th century back in 1979 and haven’t looked forward since.  They routinely accuse each other of consorting with jinns (“genies” to you and me) and nobody thinks this is the least bit odd.  In fact, several close associates of scared1President Ahmadinejad have been arrested and jailed on charges that range from being magicians, to practicing witchcraft.  Like 15th century Salem, Mass., dabbling in the dark arts is a biggie in Tehran.  And these people are not trailer trash from the Iranian equivalent of Rubberboot, Nebraska (No offence, Nebraska) they are highly placed members of the government.  And that’s the problem: there are people in the Iranian government, including Ahmadinejad himself, who firmly believe in the Second Coming and the destruction of the world, and Iranian scientists are only a couple of isotopes away from giving them the means to make that happen.  Remember, this is the guy who has publically stated, given half a chance, he’d turn Tel Aviv into a radioactive ashtray.

It’s pretty obvious that nuclear holocaust scares the crap out of me, and yes, I know these aren’t the only two nutbars who have their fingers on the buttons.  I realize that Barack Obama, Vladimir Putin or Xi Jinping, this new guy in Beijing, could wake up tomorrow morning all pissed off and vaporize half the planet before Starbucks could brew them a Decaf.  That’s something we all just have to live with.  The thing is, though, these boys at least look as if they’re in touch with reality.  They don’t run around riding on unicorns or accusing each other of black magic.  For all the animosity in the recent US election, I can’t recall Obama ever denouncing Romney for giving him the evil eye (although the first debate might have been close.)  M.A.D. (Mutually Assured Destruction) doesn’t work if one of the mutuals is mad as a hatter.  However, for all my fear of nuclear destruction at the hands of some space cadet who thinks he should play with the big boys, there’s something else that scares me even more.

Friday: The Scariest Thing in the West

Food for Nukes: Another Bad Idea

There comes a time in every person’s life when they just want to get back into bed, turn the heating pad up to 9 and stay there for a week or two.  It’s that terrible time when you realize everything sucks and nobody’s even trying anymore.  Last week was one of those weeks; the only thing that saved it was St. Patrick’s Day.  It’s amazing how much stupid can be crammed into seven 24 hour days.

When the headlines catch you under the chin, the only thing you can do is roll with the punch.  In a not-so-surprising move, North Korea announced that it was going to test a long-range missile.  Big deal!  The North Koreans have been rattling their sabres ever since Joe Stalin sent the Red Army south of the Yalu River in 1945.  In 1950, the Asian Cold War caught fire when North Korea invaded South Korea and President Truman sent Twenty-Star-General Douglas MacArthur to slap some sense into Kim il-Sung — this current guy’s grandpa.  After three years of back and forth fighting (encapsulated for most Americans by 251 episodes of M*A*S*H) everybody was pretty much back where they started.  The two Koreas then settled in and have spent the last six decades picking at each other like two kids in the back seat of a cross country mini-van vacation.  In other words, this current Kim isn’t exactly breaking new ground in the dictator department.

North Korean long range-missiles are a problem, but they’re not the problem.  Buried inside the news item is America’s response.  Apparently, if North Korea tries to test this long-range missile, America will stop shipping food to the northern Hermit Kingdom.  Whoa!  Let me get this straight!  America’s been shipping food to North Korea???  Which Brainiac in the State Department thought that up?  And when did this diplomatic sleight-of-hand become accepted foreign policy?  I cannot believe this.  It’s so astounding I’ve run out of rhetorical questions.

Check it out!  North Korea, a nation notorious for internationally jerking people around, is sitting on a pile of plutonium (Where did they get that from?  West Edmonton Mall?) and America is shipping them tonnes of food every month so their people don’t starve.  I am not opposed to feeding hungry people, really I’m not, but it strikes me as counterproductive to be sending food to a nation that has been spending billions on a nuclear weapons program.  Hold it right there, Kim Whatever-Your-Name-Is!  How about ponying up some bucks for a couple of orders of Kimchi and rice for the general population?  Not only that, but the nuclear weapons program North Korea’s been building — on the starving peasant plan — is pointed directly at two of America’s most important allies in the region: Japan and South Korea.  This doesn’t scan — not even in Cloud Cuckooland.   But wait!  There’s more!  There’s firm evidence that the North Koreans have been exporting their nuclear technology to such world class malcontents as Ahmadinejad in Tehran and everybody’s favorite bad guy, Bashar al-Assad in Damascus.  I’m sure somebody in the State Department must have heard of these boys.  They’re the ones who want to make Tel Aviv glow in the dark.  The logic here escapes me.  It’s like picking up the tab for lunch so the guy you’re sitting with can buy a gun to mug your best friend.

I don’t know what went off the rails in the talks between America and North Korea last month in Beijing.  American statesmanship isn’t always the brightest light on the diplomatic Christmas tree.  However, it’s a good thing nobody told the American people what their State department was up to.  There might not be that many folks in New Orleans or Detroit etc. who have ever heard of Danegeld*, but they know a protection racket when they see it.  There can’t be a lot of Americans — who are about to pay their taxes in less than a month — very pleased to hear that they’ve been buying dessert for North Korean nuclear technicians.

The problem with extortion is it gets easy.  It’s easier to throw money at the problem than do the hard work to fix it.  Unfortunately, the problem remains.  As Rudyard Kipling once wrote:
“That if once you have paid him the Danegeld,
You never get rid of the Dane.”

Sending food to North Korea is one of the Top Ten stupidest things I’ve ever heard of.  Benjamin Franklins are not going to get rid of North Korea’s nuclear capability.  However, what they are doing is propping up a repressive regime and giving Kim and his military buddies time and space to go nuclear adventuring around the world.  It makes me wonder is there’s anybody even driving the bus anymore.

*For those unfamiliar with 10th century Nordic history, Danegeld was a special tax levied on the people of England and France.  It was collected and paid directly to the Vikings so they would play nice and take their rape and pillage somewhere else.  It went on for generations.