Stuff I’m Cheering For …

For the last ten years or so, I’ve been surrendering slowly.  Like a dwarf peeing on a forest fire, I’ve been raging against the forces of evil who want to turn everybody on this planet into a grim-faced, Politically Correct automaton — just as miserable as they are.  These are the folks who destroyed satire, abolished irony, replaced love with the “relationship” and sucked the fun out of every holiday from Valentine’s Day to Christmas.  And I’m not even going to go into what they did to sex and junk food!  Anyway, with Covid-19 and American politics fueling the fire, for a while there, I thought all was lost.  Man, do I need to replace my rose-coloured glasses!  There are tons of cool things happening all over the world, and every one of them is a bucket of hope to pour on the flames.  So here are just a few things I’m cheering for these days. 

Hallowe’en parents – It’s a tough year to have little trick-or-treaters, so I’m cheering for anybody who’s trying to keep the holiday alive – especially the one who aren’t boycotting Mulan.

Women who wear skinny jeans – I have no idea how they get into them, and I’m sure they can’t be comfortable, but anybody who strikes a blow against yoga pants gets a cheer from me.

Movie makers – Actually, I’m giving 3 cheers to the people who’ve decided only villains wear those hideous Man Buns.  Good going, folks!

My niece and her husband – They’ve been together forever and have never once mentioned the word “relationship.”  (I think they’re in love.)  And now they’re having a baby.  The audacity of optimism!  Total congrats!

Je suis Samuel It goes without saying that I’m cheering for anybody who stands up to those idiot terrorist bastards

New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern – Since she was elected leader in a very weak minority government, she’s handled a terrorist attack, a couple of natural disasters and kicked the crap out of Covid-19 – and, oh yeah — in her spare time, she had a baby.  Living proof that not all politicians are dolts.  BTW, last week, she was re-elected with the largest majority in 50 years!

That Guy in Canada – A Canadian onion seller tried to put an advertisement on Facebook, but it was rejected because it was “overtly sexual.”  (The ad was just a picture of onions.)  Laughing all the way to the bank, Jackson McLean posted the same picture and Facebook’s rejection on his own website.  The onions sold out in 3 days!  Take that, you mindless techno-tyrant!

And finally:

The Danes – Every one of them.  The Danes have a word, samfundssind that basically means “community spirit,” but it’s more about people taking responsibility for the community — kinda like “Hey, we’re all in this together, so don’t be a dick!”  This flies in the face of the WHAT-ABOUT-ME culture most of the rest of us have.  But it also means Denmark is a cool place to live.  People there are nice to each other; they wait their turn; they don’t throw trash in the streets; they say please and thank you and clean up after their dogs.  But mostly, they trust each other to be just as reasonable.  FYI, Danish parents routinely leave their baby buggies on the sidewalk when the go into shops and cafes.  That’s some serious trust!  We should all take a page out of that book.

Gender Vacations?

I’ve said it a million times: “I’m so pissed that I’m never going to view my own time as history!”  I’m getting close — after all, the moon landing was 50 years ago — but naaaah! — it’s not quite the same.  History is what you don’t remember.  Anyway…  Of course, the other side of that coin is I’m not going to be around for all the cool future stuff either, and that pisses me off even more.  Imagine! – 3D social media, teleportation, interspecies communication?  Too cool!  But the coolest thing about the future is there’s going to be – Gender Vacations.  Yeah, it’s gonna happen!  Trust me, some enterprising young person is going to figure out how to do it, and they are going to be richer than Bezos because there isn’t a single person on this planet who wouldn’t pay huge coin to take one. 

Think about it!

Hey, girls!  Tired of doing 4 jobs every day — underpaid employee, wife, mother, self-appointed care giver?  Why not take some time off?  Why not get away from it all with a two-week vacationas a man?  That’s right!  For two weeks, forget about the long lines at public toilets: there won’t be any.  Put away your punitive underwear, and just pick a side.  Scratch whatever you want, whenever you want!  Feels good, doesn’t it?  Isn’t it time you pampered yourself and had somebody else make the sandwich after sex?  Plus, for two weeks, you can be as assertive as you like — disagree and even argue if you want to — with no social ramifications.  You’ll be able to go to a bar and have a nice, quiet drink without a parade of losers hitting on you.  Waste an afternoon on the sofa, watching a ballgame with your hand down your pants.  Even go out on a date with a quick shower and a comb through your hair — because as a man you’re not a wrinkled crone – you’re rugged!  You know you’re curious.  Why not make the call?

Hey, guys!  Tired of getting blamed for everything that’s wrong with the world, tired of walking the tightrope between macho and wimp every day, tired of half the world looking at you as if you were an apprentice stalker?  You don’t need this stress.  Time to take some me time with a two-week vacationas a woman.  Throw away that wooden suit you’ve been wearing, add some style and let somebody else open doors, for a change.  Discover how an adjustable neckline can get those grunt jobs at work done — without lifting a finger.  At home, harness the awesome power of “Yes, dear!” to hang a picture, wash the car, rearrange the furniture and so much more.  You’ll be able to tell jokes again, say hi to children and even give people compliments – all without fear of somebody freaking out and calling you a pervert.  And speaking of freaking out?  Go ahead! – anytime you like.  You won’t be held responsible.  Remember, you’ve got hormones now, and they’re always to blame.  So, maybe it’s time you stopped twisting yourself in knots trying to figure out what women want and try being one for a couple of weeks.  You’ll be glad you did!

Operators are standing by!

The Day That Dare Not Speak Its Name!

Warning: This blog contains information about events that happened over 500 years ago.  It acknowledges their existence and does not apologize.  This blog contains humour, satire and ideas that could provoke thought and is intended for a sophisticated audience.  Therefore, it may not be suitable for university sophomores or adults who act like them.  Reader discretion is advised.

—————-

Shhh!  (I wish my computer had a whisper font, but anyway…)

Yesterday was Columbus Day.

[Serious Silence!]

I know, I know: I’m pushing the boundaries of what is acceptable, but that’s just the way I roll.  Besides, I have a burning need to set the record straight before Chris disappears from the North American landscape.  (I’m lookin’ at you, Columbus, Ohio!)  Here’s the deal.  In my lifetime, Christopher Columbus has gone from being a determined, visionary explorer, willing to put his life on the line to expand the collective knowledge of the world to being – uh – an asshole.  It’s a spectacular fall from grace.  Unfortunately, the social justice lynch mob who dragged the guy off his pedestal and put the boots to him got the wrong man.  Saying Columbus is responsible for the last 5 centuries of Western Hemisphere history is like saying a person who bought a ticket to get into the stadium is responsible for the football game.  That’s idiotic!

First of all, Columbus only crossed the Atlantic four times, he probably never set foot on South America and sure as hell never get north of the Rio Grande.  Secondly, the boy was basically lost.  He always insisted that India was just over the horizon and had no idea there were two gigantic continents in the way.  (It’s a good trick to be a total dick to millions of people when you don’t even know they exist!)  And finally — and here’s where the vegan ate the liverwurst — the guy died in 1506.  That was 10 years before Cortez showed up in Mexico, over 20 before Pizarro and his band of cutthroats visited the Andes and over 100 (that’s an entire century!) before Powhatan turned to Pocahontas and said, “You stay away from those Europeans!  Mark my words, young lady: they’re going to be nothing but trouble!”  The truth is Columbus was out of the rape and pillage business before it ever even got started.

So, how did Columbus become the supervillain of America history?  One simple reason — convenience!

Deny it or not, in the 21st century, we’re wading in the shallow end of the intellectual swimming pool.  Most people don’t know enough history to fill a mouse’s ear.  Names like Coronado, De Soto and Mendoza mean nothing, and people are perfectly content to live with that ignorance.  (After all, it’s a lot more fun to take a Facebook quiz about Disney Princesses than read a boring essay on dead Europeans!)  However, there is one dead European everybody knows: Christopher Columbus.  Meanwhile, when the good folks of North America recently found out that the indigenous people of this hemisphere have spent the last few centuries getting screwed, they started looking around for someone to blame.  (In our video culture, the villains are clearly marked.)  And take one guess who they looked at first?  The only one they knew: Christopher Columbus.  Ipso facto, he must be the bad guy.

So, so long Christopher Columbus; it’s been nice knowing you.  In a few years, you’re going to be as forgotten as Olaf the Ugly, that unknown Norseman who actually got to North America.