I love Facebook. It’s like waking up in the morning and a couple of thousand people climb out of bed with you. Then, before you know it, there’s this gigantic cocktail party going on. However, as with all social gatherings, there are a few people you kinda want to avoid. Here’s a quick and dirty guide to the folks you need to stay away from on Facebook. (FYI — So far, I’ve managed to steer clear of this crowd.)
Games R Us — I’ve got nothing against playing video games, but these people are the crack addicts of the Internet. They’re constantly posting their achievements, sending you points and invitations, and generally cluttering up your Newsfeed. Why? They want to get you hooked, too — so you’ll send them points and power-up crap and we can all be junkies together.
Puppies, Cats and Babies — Whatever you do, stay away from these people and their videos. The cute will overwhelm you, you’ll end up giving all your money to the Save The Children Fund and your house will be overrun by 9 cats, 4 dogs, an African Grey parrot and a colony of hamsters.
I’ve Got My Caps Lock On — These folks are permanently pissed-off. They post things like:
Or they’ll rant on (in capital letters) about how the highschool kid at Starbucks™ misspelled their name, or the traffic was horrible, or work is torture. and on and on and on. And don’t get them started on politics! If you hang with these snarly buggers, you may never smile again.
Share Bear Comedians — These are the people who think Facebook is Pinterest. They post funny memes 10, 12, 16 times a day and an assortment of videos where some unsuspecting somebody gets nailed in the jewels. Sometimes this stuff is funny, but eventually you realize these folks have nothing to say and they’re saying it all day — every day. Can you imagine how much time they spend online just finding this crap?
I Have An Infinite Soul — These are the people who believe they live on a higher plane of consciousness than everybody else and have a burning need to share their awareness. They’re continually posting platitudes to demonstrate their deep thoughts. Mostly these are meaningless, self-help homilies.
This is easy — stay away from these pompous assholes.
I’m Going To Ruin Your Day — These are the people who post videos of blind dogs with no legs or kids with tubes in them or lonely old people on park benches or … Sweet Jesus! Just kill me now! How the hell do you respond to this stuff? “Gosh, I never realized the world was so full of torment and suffering. I think I’ll just turn off my computer and cry for an hour or two.”
I’m Old And You’re Stuck With Me — These are those sweet old friends and relatives who are still trying to figure out The Google. Somebody set them up on Facebook, you friended them to be nice, and now they think every time you post something, they’re required to make some lame ass comment. Plus, they’re somebody’s mom’s friend or an uncle Bill so you can’t unfriend them without feeling like a shit. The best thing to do is just lol them once in a while and carry on. (Most of them think lol means Lots of Love, anyway.)