Cindy Crawford is 50. I remember when Cindy was — OMG! — she still is. To say the gods have been good to Cindy Crawford is like sayin’ John Dillinger robbed banks. Yeah, she’s had some work done — big deal! In an age when image is everything, this woman is the poster child for Wow! And, to seal the deal, she’s worth north of 100 million dollars. Anyway, Cindy Crawford is 50, and she’s decided to retire — or at least not model for money anymore.
Despite all the age-is-only-a-number bullshit that old people try to pull to feel good about themselves, 50 is still The Biggie. It marks a distinct change in life and attitude. I would not presume to give aging advice to Cindy Crawford, but for mere mortals, here are a few things you can expect when you hit the big Five-O. (For those of us who are looking at 50 in the rear-view mirror, think of this as a stroll down memory lane.)
1 — You rediscover all the stuff you thought you couldn’t live without in your 20s and 30s and get rid of it. Things like the soup tureen, that brass thing from Mexico, 24/7 house cleaning, punitive underwear, the whiny kid who thinks parent is spelt s-l-a-v-e and sometimes even that old thing on the sofa that’s been making your life miserable for years.
2 — Your clothes start to shrink.
3 — You start to make noises like your parents. These aren’t words or opinions — just noises — like when you get up in the morning or bend down.
4 — Your body hair begins to resemble the fur on a badger. The hair in your nose, ears, eyebrows and other places starts to regenerate overnight and have a wiry will of its own, sproinging off in all directions.
5 — The people on TV all start to look the same.
6 — Sex is way simpler. First of all, you don’t have to wear uncomfortable clothes to get laid — sweats will do. There are no Consent Forms (in triplicate) no medical history, no Vaccination Certificates, no birth control paraphernalia. It’s all very straightforward.
“Meet ya behind the salad bar.”
7 — The six second delay between your mind and your mouth disappears.
8 — Everything under three feet tall appears to be unbelievably cute — kittens, pandas, Disney Princesses, ugly babies, — even those stupid little dogs with the kicked-in faces.
9 — Your body begins to betray you at the most inappropriate times, threatening to exude gases and fluids when it’s not supposed to or developing that unholy itch in a personal area just when you’re about to meet the new boss — or Kevin, from Accounting, behind the salad bar.
10 — Even though you’ve been telling yourself this since you were 21, at 50, you finally realize that, in fact, you DON’T actually give a shit what people think.
Happy Birthday, Cindy! Come on over; we’re having cake — and Pepsi!