Resolutions Are Relative

It’s the second week of the new year, and that iron resolve we made our New Year’s Resolutions with is showing a little metal fatigue.  Carrot sticks don’t taste as good as Mars Bars.  Three flights of stairs is a long way.  And family get-togethers are actually a pain in the ass.  However, you don’t have to beat yourself up over your lack of will power or drown yourself in a bottomless pool of self loathing.  All you have to do is explain to your Inner Puritan that this is the real world, and in the real world, real things happen.  Let me help.  Here are a few tidbits to tell those holier-than-thou voices inside your head — that’ll shut them up.

 

Chocolate has always been a good friend of mine.  In these troubled times, it would be totally rude if I turned my back on chocolate.

BuzzFeed said that people who swear a lot are more intelligent than ordinary people.  Sounds legit.

Wine is made from grapes, and grapes are fruit, and fruit is healthy — right?  Fruit is healthy!

Exercise? … Extra fries?  I always get those two mixed up.

Screw the French and their irregular verbs.  If they had anything decent to say, they’d say it in English.

One pair of slingbacks won’t kill anybody.  Besides, shoes are a necessity.  Even nuns wear shoes.

If I reorganize the hall closet, I’m going to have to find a place for the golf clubs I bought last year.  But if I find a new place for the golf clubs I bought last year, I’m going to have to move something else.  But I can’t do that unless I get a bigger apartment with more storage.  A bigger apartment with more storage is going to cost me tons of money.  So, if I don’t reorganize the hall closet, I’m going to save tons of money!

Golf is a stupid game.

If I spend all weekend watching The Fall on Netflix, that’s not actually binge-watching; it’s dealing with my procrastination and self discipline problems — especially if I start on Friday immediately after work and finish all three seasons.

And finally, one of my favourites:

But if I don’t go on Facebook every day, all my friends will think I’m mad at them.