We finally made it. Summer is officially over. Once again, humanity has survived Mother Nature’s cunning plan to kill us all with soul- searing heat, mind-poaching humidity and the choking smoke of a billion barbeques. Pat yourself on the back, folks. But don’t get complacent ’cause it ain’t over yet. Believe it or not, there are people in this world who love summer and lament its passing. Yes, I know: it sounds crazy, but it’s true. Unfortunately, these folks just don’t know how to act once the temperature drops below broil. Personally, I tolerate these misguided creatures, but many people don’t. So, as the sun slowly fades south, if you’re still wearing flip-flops, here are a few helpful hints so that we can all live together in harmony this autumn.
If you insist on playing Christmas music before October 31st, you can be legally killed and your rotting corpse used as a Hallowe’en display.
Hallowe’en is a children’s holiday. It’s not a Skank-a-thon. Control yourself!
Pumpkin Spice is one of the biggest scams since Hallmark came out with Hallowe’en cards. It isn’t even a real spice! So, saying you’ve been waiting all year for it is like saying you’ve been waiting for Bernie Madoff to take your money. And BTW, Pumpkin Spice potatoes, salmon and asparagus are all bullshit!
Parents, we understand you’re overjoyed that your kids aren’t hanging around the house anymore. But, folks! You’re only driving them to school; you’re not in a race to get them the last seat on the Mars Rover!
Guys, put away the short pants. You look ridiculous. You’re a grown man, for God’s sake!
Likewise, women: a long woolen Harry Potter scarf with a pleated micro mini isn’t fashion: it’s a open invitation to pneumonia.
And if you’re too stupid to wear enough clothes when it’s cold, you deserve to get sick — so quit bitchin’ about it.
Also, Germbags! If you’re sniffling, sneezing, wheezing or coughing up a lung, stay away from public transportation. That includes taxis and airplanes. (What is it with sick people? Why do they all have this uncontrollable urge to travel?)
And a couple more words of caution — so you don’t become so annoying that regular people finally just snap and slap the crap outta ya:
It’s not necessary to announce that there are only X number of days left until Christmas — every half hour.
And, no,– I have no idea what I’m going to do for Hallowe’en. Quit asking!