I’m beginning to hate Hallowe’en. Why? Let me count the ways. But first, a little background. I remember when Hallowe’en was the second biggest celebration of the year – right behind Christmas. (St. Paddy’s Day doesn’t count ‘cause — it’s “adults only,” and Thanksgiving and Easter are just too family/family/best behaviour type of occasions.) No, Christmas and Hallowe’en used to be kick-up-your-heels holidays when kids could be kids and adults could be kids, too. In short — they were fun. Unfortunately, these days, a sizeable section of our society has declared war on fun — and Hallowe’en is one of the casualties. The irony is so thick you have to cut it with an axe. Here are a few examples.
1 – For weeks before October 31st there’s nothing but wall-to-wall butchery on TV. Folks! Hallowe’en is not the German word for slaughter. The last night of October was never about mass murder, serial killers or even the occasional homicide. It’s All Hallows’ Eve, for God’s sake, and it started out as a religious holiday.
2 – Somehow, a 10-year-old girl dressed up as Pocahontas is offensive, but take that same kid, stick a rubber cleaver in her head (a la The Walking Dead) cover her in red dye and plastic gore and nobody bats an eyeball – even though she’s missing one.
3 – In some places, teenagers are forbidden by law from Trick or Treating. Forbidden by law? What are you supposed to do — check ID? Meanwhile, I’ve had parents push their kids up to the door in strollers. The little buggers have no clue where they are or why, and chances are good they’re not even eating solid food yet. So, who’s getting that Mars Bar™, Dad?
4 – I don’t care what your political persuasion is, making a child wear a Trump mask is abuse.
5 – And putting a toddler in a Handmaid’s costume is just creepy.
6 – Giving out sensible treats. Seriously? Gluten-free, sugar free, sodium free, oak, flax and quinoa bars! People, lighten up! It’s not as if 10 grams of sugar, chocolate, wax and artificial flavouring is going to kill anybody.
7 – If you insist on having an “agenda” on Hallowe’en and being a politically-correct pain in the ass about it, why not just turn off your lights, turn on your television and spend the evening watching Jason, Krueger (or whatever they’re calling him this year) dismember a battalion of half-naked, nubile young ladies. That’s the Hallowe’en you’ve created – why not enjoy it? It would certainly give the rest of us a chance to go back to having a little fun on October 31st.