A Sideways Glare at Contemporary Society
Collective nouns are cool. They add colour and flavour to the otherwise boring job of naming things. Plus, once you get past the regular stuff like a herd of cattle, a flock of sheep, a pack of dogs etc., they get uber-creative. I wanna meet the person who thought up “a parliament of owls.” What kind of a mind can do that? Or a cauldron of bats? A prickle of porcupines? And everybody’s favourite – a murder of crows? I look at lemurs and think “cute little furry buggers” but somebody else thought “a conspiracy” and, yeah, they were right. A group of lemurs huddled together look like they’re plotting something. So, with that in mind, I thought I’d try my hand at creating collective nouns. Some are more creative than others.
A treachery of politicians – This illustrates the lie/deny cycle of political life.
A scold of environmentalists – A fine label for the holier-than-thou attitude most of these people take.
A robbery of insurance companies – This one speaks for itself.
A congratulation of celebrities – No other group on this planet spends as much time telling each other just how “awesome” they are.
A labyrinth of lawyers – If you can’t get there from here, there’s always a lawyer hiding around the corner somewhere.
A necessity of police officers – Let’s face it! Without the cops, the streets of most major cities would be a war zone.
A vocalization of vegans – Do you have any idea what these people don’t eat? Oh, never mind: they’ve already told you – twice!
An annoyance of evangelists – Nothing is quite as big a pain in the ass as somebody interrupting your day to tell you that their God can beat up your God.
A tremble of university students – Here’s a group so fragile they need “safe spaces” and “trigger warnings” just to make it through the day.
A lethargy of government workers – One government worker is no problem — but in a group … glaciers move faster.
A swindle of salesmen – Unfortunately, it’s always men who give this profession a bad name.
A tantrum of Twitter users – Once again, this speaks for itself.
A pharmacy of athletes – Professional athletes take a lot of “supplements” – a lot!
A trudge of tourists – What else would you call crowds of sober-faced 40-somethings, plodding through the streets, looking for art galleries, museums and monuments — day after day?
A disgrace of journalists – Once an honourable profession, as a group, these people haven’t done their job properly since Edward R. Murrow roamed the Earth.
A prance of parents – This group is particularly pleased with themselves — even though the vast majority of them are only parents because they let a Ryan Gosling movie get out of hand.
A misery of millennials – These perpetual malcontents are constantly complaining about something. And when they run out of ordinary stuff to whine about, they trot out their student loan. God, people! Give it a rest! Nobody can be that unhappy.
Did I miss any?