A Sideways Glare at Contemporary Society
Somewhere around 6 billion people on this planet are fed up with Covid-19! Frankly, if this virus was a person, they’d be getting more hate than Hitler. It some places, people are just saying “I’ve had enough!” and going back to the wicked ways that got us into this mess. Okay, you don’t get geniuses on every street corner, but I think the biggest problem is nobody knows how to act now that normal isn’t normal anymore. So, in the interests of doing my part to end Isolation Hell, here are a few guidelines to follow as you unleash your inner introvert.
Disclaimer – This is satire, folks. Yes, I realize this pandemic is serious, and there’s no need to remind me with caustic emails.
Food and Drink
1 – Stress eating can be a challenge. A reasonable weight gain in lockdown is 11 pounds or 5 kilos per month. Once you hit that milestone, the future depends on the strength of the elastic in your underwear.
2 – Red wine does not go with Oatmeal, Granola, Raisin Bran or Cheerios. However, a splash of white can get you set up for the day.
3 – Buy healthy snacks and be creative. For example, you can deep fry anything, and rice cakes aren’t that bad if you dip them in enough chocolate.
4 – Nobody, in two lifetimes, can watch everything on Netflix, so don’t whine that there’s nothing on TV. Yes, you may be forced to watch Rampage, but we all have to make sacrifices in these troubled times.
5 – However, once you start watching Adam Sandler movies, you’ve been alone too long: telephone a relative or close friend. Actually, I believe, there’s a 1-800 Help Line. (And if there isn’t, there should be.)
6 – Also, re-watching Season 8 of Games of Thrones is not recommended. It’s not going to get any better, and you’re got enough to be pissed off about right now.
7 – If you’re homeschooling, it’s best to keep a cute baby picture of your kid handy. This is to remind you that the little monster who refuses to understand “Carry the 1” is still your daughter and not Satan’s evil spawn.
8 – Playing Hold-em Poker with your six-year-old for their college fund is not acceptable.
9 – And, that’s your DNA that just painted the cat and discovered apples don’t actually go all the way down when you flush.
10 – In order to maintain a modicum of decorum, make sure you change from your night pajamas to your day pajamas no later than 9 A.M.
11 – You are limited to two (2) ugly cries per day, and you can’t save them up and go nuts on Monday morning when you realize, “Crap! There’s another week I’ve wasted.”
12 – It’s time to seek professional help when you start referring to your family as inmates and cursing Mandela for setting the bar so high.
Home and Work
13 – When you’re working from home, it’s always a difficult time when you realize you never actually did all that much work. Don’t stress out! Try filling your time with work-related activities like going for coffee, planning lunch, exchanging funny memes with your friends and cruising Instagram. These will help you pass a “normal” work day.
14 – Conference calls with audio are different from conference calls with video. Know the difference and be prepared (i.e. the regional manager is going to notice the torn Ride-A-Cowboy t-shirt.)
15 – You need to develop a comprehensive strategy to balance your work and home life. “Screw it! The reports can wait” is not comprehensive enough.
16 – Remember all those mornings when the alarm went off and you rolled over and thought, “God, I wish I could just stay home and lay in bed all day”? Well, careful what you wish for!