Last week, I mentioned that hate was strictly verboten in the 21st Century. I was only half kidding. Think about it! These days, about the only thing you can hate with any certainty is Hitler. And if we keep going along this path, someday/someone/somewhere is going to start talking about child abuse and poverty, and even Adolf might get off the hook. Personally, I think in the future, we’re going to have to buy a license to hate, and only rich people will be able to afford it. But until then, here are a few more things I – uh – dislike very, very much.
The New Normal – One more “New Normal” and I’m going to scream! Normal happens, and there’s nothing you can do about it. When I was a kid, it was “normal” to write letters to your friends — with a pen — on paper. Since then, we’ve been through at least three “new normals,” and — like it or don’t — there are a bunch more to come. Get used to it!
People who use “for” and “of” when they should be using “about.” — English is a precise language because we have a bunch of prepositions that do a specific job — and they’re not interchangeable. Jack just farted. If you are embarrassed “for” him, it means you feel sorry he accidently made a social faux pas. If you are embarrassed “about” him, it means he’s a jerk. And if you are embarrassed “of” him, you’re talking gibberish – go home!
Covid Excuses – “Hello! Your call is important to us. However, due to Covid-19, even though we’re still the same lazy bastards we always were, you can’t bitch about it. Have a nice day!”
Age is embarrassing — Our world is awash with instructions, coaching, counselling and good old-fashioned unwanted advice about everything from surviving puberty to buying a better divorce. However, once you hit about 60, it’s as if you just caught a disease that’s not socially acceptable — and everybody wants to avoid the subject.
“Well, you didn’t hear this from me, but I heard Marvin got 61.”
”Yeah, last week. But I don’t think they’ve told the children yet.”
“Are you sure? I was just talking to him. He didn’t look any different.”
“Elsie told me in strictest confidence — you know — it’s not something you just blab around the neighbourhood.”
“Yeah, that’s true, but the poor thing! She must be so worried. They say 61 is contagious.”
“Yeah, I’ve heard that too, but it’s not like you can just go ask somebody. I mean really … that’s – well – you know.”
“Yeah, I know. Elsie was awfully brave telling you. I feel so sorry for her. Have the aches and pains started?”
“She didn’t say, and I wasn’t about to ask, but she kinda hinted that he’s been watching Wheel of Fortune.
“Oh! That’s so-o-o bad! You know, I’ve never told anybody this, but my parents had 61 – both of them.”
“That’s terrible. You’d think they’d have discovered a cure by now.”
“Sorry!” – In the 21st century, this is the universal “Get Out Of Jail Free” card. If Jack the Ripper were alive today, all he’d have to do is go on Instagram or Twitter and say he is sorry, and he’d be back on the street in a week.
Doom Scrolling – You can’t get away from it. Every website on the planet is busy telling us just how screwed we really are. They all want a piece of the action. Even the Facebook kittens are wearing masks! It’s like living in a Michael Moore documentary.
Covid Conspiracies – Human history is a litany of stupidity, and the last few decades have produced some serious gold medals in the Idiot Olympics. So the rhetorical question has got to be: where did all these Covid supervillains come from? It beggars the imagination that the same people who’ve never understood basic economics, can’t agree on Climate Change and haven’t been able to figure out who’s been doing what to whom in the Middle East for over 70 years, are now somehow manipulating a pandemic to control the planet. Puh-lease! Maybe it’s just that the Flat Earth Society has contacted Elvis on Venus from an ancient Mayan transmitter. He will return to Earth at the Denver Airport as The Leader Of The New World Order, and they will do battle with the Illuminati and the Freemasons in a three-way fight to force mind control facemasks on an unsuspecting public.
Now that sounds legit!