It’s getting close to a year since the world was ambushed by Covid-19 — and that dirty little bastard has disrupted all of our lives. We’ve been kicked around, lied to, promised, herded, poked, prodded, lied to again, locked down, locked up, looked over, overlooked and generally screwed around. And that all happened last summer! Since then, most of us have learned how to cope. Congratulations, us! But there’s still a long way to go, so here are a few guidelines that may help us all survive the psychological strain we’re under. And, once again — pulling together, we can make this the best pandemic ever!
If you see the woman down the street walking with her husband more than twice a day, you should intervene. In firm but kindly tones, explain that two walks a day is sufficient for any adult male. It’s also a good idea to offer some positive alternatives — such as, perhaps, letting him off the leash so he can have a run in the park with the other husbands.
If the guy next door is in his front yard, shouting at the crows to “Just mind your own business!” it’s time to be a good neighbour and, at a safe social distance, enter into a conversation, empathize and calmly suggest that, smart as crows are, they probably don’t understand English.
If you’re having erotic thoughts about the Amazon delivery people, that’s perfectly normal. They’re possibly the only human contact you’re getting these days. However, you should confine your fantasies to just one or maybe two of the semi-regulars. Being promiscuous can seriously damage your self-esteem. And we all know how harmful slut shaming is — especially if you’re doing it to yourself.
If you’re starting to remember those godawful family gatherings at Christmas and Thanksgiving fondly, you need to take immediate action. Open a bottle of wine and drink at least half of it. Then set up a Zoom call with your sister-in-law (the bitchy one) your aunt (the religious one) Uncle Terry (who’s been stoned since 2005) and your cousin (who sells Mexican Time Share Condominiums.) Tell them you’re thinking of having an affair with the Amazon delivery girl, and see how long it takes for your mother to join the conversation.
If you look forward to Garbage Day, that’s a healthy way to break up the monotony of locked-in life. However, you need to remember not everyone shares your commitment to the challenges of regular municipal sanitation. Texting your neighbours – every week — to remind them what day it is can be annoying. Also measuring, photographing and suggesting a detailed realignment of their bins — every week – can upset some people. It’s best to consider garbage day a personal accomplishment, celebrated with a quiet glass of wine at the end of the day.
If you’ve forgotten where you put your pants, that’s okay. (Who hasn’t?) However, if you’ve forgotten how to put them on, you need to stop, take three deep breaths and try to figure that shit out – it’s important. Go to YouTube if you have to.
If, at some point, you just lose it and confront the clothes dryer, demanding the return of all the socks it’s stolen over the years, you need to take a step back. The dryer is not going to respond to those hostile tones. You need to think about this: perhaps the stolen socks were just a cry for help. Is the lint filter clogged? Perhaps, blowing hot air is not as fulfilling as it once was? We all spin at a different speed, folks! Maybe it’s time for you to take a time out, think about it, apologize and initiate a more meaningful dialogue.
If you’re discussing these issues with the refrigerator, do so openly and honestly. Remember, we’re all in this together, and it’s up to you to let the things that are important to you know they’re not alone.