On Being An Adult

Being an adult is hard work.  It’s a lot more than just alcohol and porno privileges.  That’s why a lot of us try to remain kids for as long as possible.  However, for good or for evil, it’s inevitable — and nobody wants to be a considered a petulant teenager all their life.  (We all know that person, don’t we?)  So, here are some tips to let you know when you have, indeed, finally become an adult.

When you realize you’re never going to win another argument with the over-the-shoulder shout “I didn’t ask to be born!”

When you bring your lunch to work to save money and somebody eats it and it dawns on you that some people are just assholes and there’s nothing you can do about it.

When you understand taking a nap in the afternoon is a secret pleasure — not a punishment.

When having an adventure means finding something decent to wear on laundry day.

When you spend a lot of time, energy and (sometimes) money to get dressed up for a special occasion, and five minutes into it you realize it’s crap and you’ve missed Two-For-One Taco Tuesday – again.

When it takes more time to get over sex than it did to have it.

When you spend less time talking about the party and more time talking about the hangover you got from it.

When farts are no longer funny and have become a serious matter of trust.

When there’s only one person who knows exactly where to scratch in the middle of your back, and if you divorce them – you’re screwed.

When you discover some people actually believe the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park are real and there’s nothing you can do or say that will change their mind.

When that bone you broke in 3rd grade comes back to haunt you.

When you buy two extra doughnuts and eat them in the car on the way home because you don’t want to share.

When you realize your interest in Gwyneth Paltrow’s latest Goop device or Meghan Markle’s opinion of the Royal Family is entirely dependent on whether or not your toilet is flushing properly.

When you finally comprehend that you’re the one who has to figure out what to eat for dinner – from now on – every night – until you die.

When it becomes obvious that algebra was a scam.

When you discover mean people don’t get punished for calling you nasty names.

When suddenly, for no apparent reason, all the cops are younger than you are.

When you realize there’s no law that says you have to clean behind the refrigerator.

And finally, two of the best:

When the age inside your head is lower than the one on the calendar.

When you completely grasp the fact that the essentials of a happy life have nothing to do with your job, your apartment or your car but are actually intimately connected to warm socks, good sex and Tupperware.

4 thoughts on “On Being An Adult

  1. I’m more into Snapware than Tupperware, but other than that, this was depressingly familiar.
    On the plus side, we still got our looks.
    Right?…. RIGHT?!!

  2. Imagine what good sex with Tupperware while wearing warm socks would be like! Were I more mature, I could have stifled that ridiculous comment. Some of us are immature adults.

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