Back in the day, we had something called facts. They were amazing little immutable things that helped us figure out what was actually going on in the world. They separated the truth from the bullshit and gave us an anchor on reality. Those days are gone. In the 21st century, facts are an endangered species. We kinda prefer spin to the truth. After all, it’s a lot easier to simply accept ideas than spend valuable Netflix time thinking about them. Unfortunately, we’ve gotten to the point where we’re putting so much spin on the truth that even Meghan Markle’s getting dizzy. But don’t despair. Facts still exist, although they’re surprisingly hard to find. Here are a few I’ve managed to ferret out.
The first birthday present you were ever given is your name.
If you’re trying to fall asleep, you have to pretend you’re asleep first – and sneak up on it.
More Americans have had sex with Taylor Swift than have died of Ebola.
You can’t burn anything twice.
Humans can’t actually “bite down” on anything. The jaw is hinged the other way. In order to move your top teeth down you have to move your whole head. Try it!
(You just tried it, didn’t you?)
You can’t keep your eyes open when you sneeze unless you consciously decide you’re going to keep your eyes open when you sneeze — before you do it.
Somebody on this planet has eaten more kale than anybody else and should be in the Guinness Book of World Records.
If you say something is “indescribable,” you have, in fact, described it.
The make-believe CGI streetlights in video games are actually using electricity so you can see them.
There is only one possible way that the original moon landing was fake: if it wasn’t filmed on location.
It’s not premarital sex if you never get married. Face it, folks! It’s just sex.
And finally, one philosophical little gem:
For the rest of your life, you’re never going to be as young as you are at this exact moment.