In my lifetime, our world has changed dramatically. We’ve gone from being a rural society to being an urban one. For years, people have been leaving the countryside for the cities; while, at the same time, people in the city have been fleeing to the suburbs. And this double migration is still going on. So if you’re thinking of relocating, here are a few things you might want to consider before you make your move. (Full disclosure: I have never lived anywhere but a large urban centre, so some of this is guesswork. And if you’re proud of where you live and I’ve dissed it – please — before you send me that email questioning my knowledge, my ancestry and my sanity, remember this is satire!) Enjoy!
Rural – You don’t lock your door because nobody in their right mind would wanna steal your pitiful pile of junk.
Suburban – You lock your door but keep a spare key under a flower pot, and the security camera tells you which neighbor kid found it and robbed you.
Urban – You have two locks, a deadbolt, an iron bar and a safety chain– but you’ve been robbed so many times you just close the door and hope for the best.
Rural – You know all your neighbours, but they’re so far away you can walk out your front door naked with a knife in your back and they wouldn’t find you until the coyotes were chewing your bones.
Suburban – You know all your neighbours, and they’re so close if you walked out of your front door naked with a knife in your back, you’d be on YouTube before you got to the street.
Urban – You don’t know any of your neighbours, so you could walk out your front door naked with a knife in your back and they wouldn’t even bother calling the cops.
Rural – You have a couple of dogs, a house cat, a barn cat, a stray cat, another cat, two horses, chickens, a rooster, something that lives under the porch and a goat — and every one of them eats enough to bankrupt Bill Gates.
Suburban – You have a dog that poops all over the lawn, the kids have a hamster that smells and you still haven’t thrown out the 4 bags of kitty litter you bought for the cat that ran away.
Urban – You had a fish but it died, so you put a cactus in the bowl, and now you just throw bits of pizza down to the rats in the alley.
Warm Summer Nights
Rural – You just want five minutes to peel off your soggy underwear when Eddie and Fran show up with a load of fresh pig manure that needs to be spread before dark.
Suburban – You finally just say “Screw it!” and turn the A/C to a human temperature so you can watch Netflix in your underwear until you fall asleep on the sofa.
Urban – You hang out in an air-conditioned bar with a bunch of losers because your apartment is a sauna and you refuse to spend the evening sitting out on the fire escape in your underwear like some peasant.
Waking up on the weekend
Rural – One of these days, you’re going to throttle that &$#?% rooster.
Suburban – Every asshole in history is out there, mowing his lawn at 7:00 A.M.
Urban – Sirens and the occasional gunshot.
Rural – You have a truck that’s held together with duct tape, Bondo, binder twine and rust — and looks like a refugee from a Demolition Derby.
Suburban – You have two vehicles and three car payments because you’re still paying for that stupid PT Cruiser you bought two minivans ago.
Urban – There was a dead guy on the subway last Thursday.
Rural – Exercise? You work your ass off every day and need exercise like the Titanic needed another iceberg.
Suburban – You have a set of weights and a treadmill gathering dust in the garage. You’re thinking about buying a Bowflex and you swear to God, this year, you’re going to go back to yoga.
Urban – You have a gym membership, but you haven’t been there since January — 4 years ago.
But in the end, we’re all the same.
Rural – There are two stores in town, but their selection is so crappy that you just buy your stuff online from Amazon.
Suburban – You have 2 malls, a giant discount store, a Walmart, a Home Depot, a Costco and an Ikea within a five mile radius, but it’s such a pain in the ass to drive there, find a parking space, wander around the aisles for hours and stand in line waiting to pay that you just buy your stuff online from Amazon.
Urban – You have tons of cool designer shops within walking distance, but they’re so damn expensive that you just buy your stuff online from Amazon.
8 thoughts on “Rural – Urban – Suburban”
😂 This is so great, you must be the funniest guy in your large urban centre.
Glad you like it but there’s a lot of funny people in my city – many of them unintentional. cheers
I could really relate to the gym membership. After a few years, I simply considered myself a patron.
I found my shoes the other day they still had paper in the toes. cheers
So when did you visit our place? Why didn’t you stop in to say hello? Was it the coyotes or the moose that caused you to turn tail and head back from whence you came? That &$#?% rooster isn’t ours, really. We always call the Amazon guy Andy…
Next time I’ll stop for coffee. We don’t have roosters but we live next to a golf course and oddly enough have coyotes. cheers
“Rural Pets” is spot-on. Hay and feed merit their own line item in the budget. You must’ve at least toured the country a time or two, if not lived there.
Got a couple of hayburners have you? I’ve driven by the country and flown over it but, nope never lived there although once I had it carefully described to me. cheers