In my lifetime, our world has changed dramatically. We’ve gone from being a rural society to being an urban one. For years, people have been leaving the countryside for the cities; while, at the same time, people in the city have been fleeing to the suburbs. And this double migration is still going on. So if you’re thinking of relocating, here are a few things you might want to consider before you make your move. (Full disclosure: I have never lived anywhere but a large urban centre, so some of this is guesswork. And if you’re proud of where you live and I’ve dissed it – please — before you send me that email questioning my knowledge, my ancestry and my sanity, remember this is satire!) Enjoy!
Rural – You don’t lock your door because nobody in their right mind would wanna steal your pitiful pile of junk.
Suburban – You lock your door but keep a spare key under a flower pot, and the security camera tells you which neighbor kid found it and robbed you.
Urban – You have two locks, a deadbolt, an iron bar and a safety chain– but you’ve been robbed so many times you just close the door and hope for the best.
Rural – You know all your neighbours, but they’re so far away you can walk out your front door naked with a knife in your back and they wouldn’t find you until the coyotes were chewing your bones.
Suburban – You know all your neighbours, and they’re so close if you walked out of your front door naked with a knife in your back, you’d be on YouTube before you got to the street.
Urban – You don’t know any of your neighbours, so you could walk out your front door naked with a knife in your back and they wouldn’t even bother calling the cops.
Rural – You have a couple of dogs, a house cat, a barn cat, a stray cat, another cat, two horses, chickens, a rooster, something that lives under the porch and a goat — and every one of them eats enough to bankrupt Bill Gates.
Suburban – You have a dog that poops all over the lawn, the kids have a hamster that smells and you still haven’t thrown out the 4 bags of kitty litter you bought for the cat that ran away.
Urban – You had a fish but it died, so you put a cactus in the bowl, and now you just throw bits of pizza down to the rats in the alley.
Warm Summer Nights
Rural – You just want five minutes to peel off your soggy underwear when Eddie and Fran show up with a load of fresh pig manure that needs to be spread before dark.
Suburban – You finally just say “Screw it!” and turn the A/C to a human temperature so you can watch Netflix in your underwear until you fall asleep on the sofa.
Urban – You hang out in an air-conditioned bar with a bunch of losers because your apartment is a sauna and you refuse to spend the evening sitting out on the fire escape in your underwear like some peasant.
Waking up on the weekend
Rural – One of these days, you’re going to throttle that &$#?% rooster.
Suburban – Every asshole in history is out there, mowing his lawn at 7:00 A.M.
Urban – Sirens and the occasional gunshot.
Rural – You have a truck that’s held together with duct tape, Bondo, binder twine and rust — and looks like a refugee from a Demolition Derby.
Suburban – You have two vehicles and three car payments because you’re still paying for that stupid PT Cruiser you bought two minivans ago.
Urban – There was a dead guy on the subway last Thursday.
Rural – Exercise? You work your ass off every day and need exercise like the Titanic needed another iceberg.
Suburban – You have a set of weights and a treadmill gathering dust in the garage. You’re thinking about buying a Bowflex and you swear to God, this year, you’re going to go back to yoga.
Urban – You have a gym membership, but you haven’t been there since January — 4 years ago.
But in the end, we’re all the same.
Rural – There are two stores in town, but their selection is so crappy that you just buy your stuff online from Amazon.
Suburban – You have 2 malls, a giant discount store, a Walmart, a Home Depot, a Costco and an Ikea within a five mile radius, but it’s such a pain in the ass to drive there, find a parking space, wander around the aisles for hours and stand in line waiting to pay that you just buy your stuff online from Amazon.
Urban – You have tons of cool designer shops within walking distance, but they’re so damn expensive that you just buy your stuff online from Amazon.