We interrupt this blog to bring you an important breaking story.
In a surprise marketing move, at least 3 gigantic electronics companies have introduced the same new consumer product — just in time for Christmas. The Incredibly Useless Thing was introduced simultaneously at retail outlets around the world today. The product sold out within hours. Immediately dubbed the iThing by every unimaginative journalist in the universe, the device has sent computer geeks everywhere scurrying back to their mothers’ basements to try it out. According to industry spokesperson, Dakota Nebraska, the iThing comes with twice as many mega-pixels and enough speed and memory to launch the Mars Rover from your kitchen.
“We’re calling the iThing the next generation of useless electronic device.” Nebraska said. “The iThing is totally wireless, you can recharge it with the steam off your pee and battery life, with continuous use, is approximately 12 minutes.” Nebraska Dakota went on to say, “There are already 80 million Apps available for the iThing, and even though they all fundamentally do the same thing, the iThing does come pre-programmed with some awesome coloured lights that go off and on and a variety of unusual sounds.”
The iThing uses the new Inutile Operating System, which is no different from all the other operating systems on the planet except it’s not compatible with any of the electronic crap you already own — including your toaster. It’s unnecessarily complicated, and the Interactive Help Menu is no help whatsoever. However, all three gigantic electronic companies are offering 24/7 tech support which is exclusively accessible from the iThing itself. In other words, say your prayers, cuz the coyote’s got a better chance of catching the road runner than you have of ever figuring this thing out!
In a candid, off the record, interview, one techno-drone said, “We’ve changed all the names and placement of every function on the menu — just to screw with ya. We’ve added a Tool Bar that doesn’t do anything, and if you press “Back Slash, Gallery, Back Slash, Cap Lock,” Facebook automatically enrolls all your friends in eHarmony. And we’ve done a bunch of other stuff, too, but why should I tell you? You thought you were so cool in high school — with your cars and your cheerleaders. Well, who’s laughin’ now, Braaadley? Who’s laughin’ now?”
Initially, the iThing will be offered in two models: the cheap one you see advertised (which is under- powered and worthless) and the outrageously expensive one (which the pirates who made the device know you are going to have to buy eventually, anyway.) However, some electronic companies are taking a bold, new retail approach. “We don’t care about the iThing itself,” they say. “It’s free. We’ll give you the damn thing for nothing, as long as you sign a 5-year contract of penal servitude so we can charge you for every nanosecond it operates — from the minute you turn it on.”
There have already been protests about the predatory pricing of the iThing. A fake YouTube commercial, showing the iThing exploding, has already been emailed to everyone on the planet, and a Facebook group called “iThing Sucks” has attracted several million members. Retailers have responded to the criticism by saying, “Big deal! A bunch of kids and old people have clicked a button on Facebook. So what? We’re sold out already, anyway.”
Dakota Nebraska, spokesperson for the three gigantic electronic companies, also responded by saying, “There has been some criticism, but the retail numbers speak for themselves. This is not a manufactured shortage. Our customers are saying they want the iThing. Look at the unholy prices people are getting, reselling it on eBay! But we’re all about families here at Big Electronics, and we want parents and grandparents to have something for their loved ones during the Holidays, so we’re offering an opportunity to pre-purchase the next shipment of iThings. Your purchase comes with a numbered gift card which you can use to track your iThing through the entire manufacturing and distribution process.” However, Nebraska Dakota also admitted that there was already a new and improved model, the iThing 2.0, in production — with tons more memory, better resolution, and a cheaper price tag — which should be in retail outlets on April 1st, 2017.
We now return you to WD’s regular blog.
Here it is December 6th, and I haven’t even thought about … OMG! there are only 19 more Panic Days ’til Christmas. What the hell? I haven’t got rid of the Thanksgiving waistline, and now there’s another turkey looming on the horizon. This happens every year: leftover Hallowe’en candy mutates into Thanksgiving pie that turns into Christmas cookies that become boxes of Valentine’s Day bonbons which morph into gigantic, solid chocolate Easter bunnies — and it’s July 17th before I can see my toes again. Merciful Jesus, sew my mouth shut!
I’ve seen a lot of war memorials in my time, from the USS Arizona at Pearl Harbor to the Eternal Flame over the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier at the Arc de Triomphe. They’re all very much the same – structures cut out of quiet stone, asking us politely not to forget. In Great Britain, every crossroads with a church and a pub has a cenotaph to World War I because that’s where those boys came from. In France, there are rows and rows and rows of white gravestones because that’s where they ended up. If you’ve ever seen them, you can never forget.
WD Fyfe 