Just In Time For Christmas

We interrupt this blog to bring you an important breaking story!

In a surprise marketing move, at least 3 gigantic electronics companies have introduced the same new consumer product — just in time for Christmas.  The Incredibly Useless Thing was introduced simultaneously at retail outlets around the world today.  The product sold out within hours.  Immediately dubbed the iThing by every unimaginative journalist in the universe, the device has sent computer geeks everywhere scurrying back to their mothers’ basements to try it out.  According to industry spokesperson, Dakota Nebraska, the iThing comes with twice as many mega-pixels and enough speed and memory to launch the Mars Rover from your kitchen.

“We’re calling the iThing the next generation of useless electronic device,” Nebraska said. “The iThing is totally wireless, you can recharge it with the steam off your pee and battery life, with continuous use, is approximately 12 minutes.”  Nebraska Dakota went on to say, “There are already 8 million Apps available for the iThing– everything from “Which Potato Are You?” to a “Proton Torpedo Simulator,” plus the iThing comes pre-programmed with some awesome coloured lights that go on and off and a variety of unusual sounds.”

The iThing uses the new Inutile Operating System, which is no different from all the other operating systems on the planet except it’s not compatible with any of the electronic crap you already own — including your toaster.  Its Interactive Help Menu connects you with a chat line where you can join other iThing users who don’t know any more than you do.  But for a real techno-frustrating experience, all three gigantic electronic companies are offering 24/7 tech support which is exclusively accessible only from the iThing itself.  In other words, say your prayers, cuz the coyote’s got a better chance of catching the road runner than you have of finding someone to help you figure this thing out!

In a candid, off the record, interview, one techno-drone said, “We’ve changed all the names and placement of every function on the menu — just to screw with ya.  We’ve added a Tool Bar that is completely unnecessary, and if you accidently press “Back Slash, Gallery” Facebook automatically places all your friends on Tinder.  And we’ve done a bunch of other stuff, too, but why should I tell you?  You thought you were so cool in high school — with your cars and your cheerleaders.  Well, who’s laughin’ now, Braaadley?  Who’s laughin’ now?”

Initially, the iThing will be offered in two models: the cheap one you see advertised (which is woefully under-powered) and the outrageously expensive one (which the pirates who made the device know you are going to have to buy eventually, anyway.)  However, some electronic companies are taking a bold, new retail approach.  “We don’t care about the iThing itself,” they say. “It’s free.  We’ll give you the damn thing for nothing, as long as you sign a 5-year contract of penal servitude so we can charge you for every nanosecond it operates — from the minute you turn it on.”

There have already been protests about the predatory pricing of the iThing.  A fake YouTube commercial, showing the iThing exploding, has been viewed 100 million times and #iThing Sucks on Twitter has gone viral – twice!  Retailers have responded to the criticism by saying, “Big deal! A bunch of kids and old people have clicked an “angry face” emoji.  So what?  We’re sold out anyway.”

Dakota Nebraska, spokesperson for the three gigantic electronic companies, also responded by saying, “There has been some criticism, but the retail numbers speak for themselves.  This is not a manufactured shortage.  Our customers are saying they want the iThing.  Look at the unholy prices people are willing to pay!  But we’re all about families here at Big Electronics, and we want parents and grandparents to have something for their loved ones during the Holidays, so we’re offering an opportunity to pre-purchase the next shipment of iThings.  Your purchase comes with a numbered gift card which you can use to track your iThing through the entire manufacturing and distribution process.”  However, Nebraska Dakota also admitted that there was already a new and improved model, the iThing 2.0, in production — with tons more memory, better resolution, and a cheaper price tag — which should be in retail outlets in time for April Fool’s Day 2021.

We now return you to WD’s regular blog

Previous published – gently edited.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

The Dark Side Of Christmas

dark side

Everyone from Brooklyn to Borneo knows the story of Christmas, right?  Whether it’s the Nativity or Santa Claus and his magic sleigh, we all think we’ve got the whole tale – but we don’t.  There’s another side to Christmas — a dark side – a side that nobody wants to talk about.  Here are a couple of items from a tell-all book that has been suppressed for many, many years: Christmas Confidential.  This is the stuff Big Christmas doesn’t want you to know.

Christmas Carols

We have love songs, working songs, birthday songs, etc., etc. but only Christmas songs are called carols.  Why?  The reason is a tawdry little secret: Santa Claus is divorced.  That sweet little lady, Mrs. Claus, is actually a trophy wife.  It seems that at some point in his long career, Santa had an affair (after all, he knows where all the naughty girls live.)  This was alluded to in Tommie Connor’s song “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” written in 1952.  Anyway, soon after Santa’s digression was discovered, the Clauses had a very messy divorce.  However, given the sensitive nature of the proceedings, a Universal Gag Order was issued by The International Court of The Hague, so very few details are known.  Naturally, though, a lot of people were pissed off at this sordid situation, and they started calling Christmas songs “carols” so that, Caroline Claus, Santa’s first wife, would not be forgotten.

The Other Reindeer

We all know that Santa has 9 reindeer – Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blixen (You sang that last part, didn’t you?) and, of course, Rudolph.  However, most people don’t know that originally there were 10 reindeer.  Donner was actually a twin.  Unfortunately, his brother was an evil twin.  He was a nasty piece of work who spent most of his time lying around the North Pole, eating candy canes and drinking Finlandia vodka.  Rumour has it that he was the one who started “Elf Tossing Tuesdays” at the Caribou Bar and several witnesses have come forward who accuse him of calling Rudolph names and not allowing him access to any reindeer games.  This situation went on for years until one “foggy Christmas Eve,” drunk off his antlers, Donner’s brother refused to pull the sleigh.  “Get the little freak to do it” he said, “or pull it yourself, Fat Boy.”  He went on to make a few choice remarks about Mrs. Claus and her relationship with several of the elves.  Then he pushed Santa out of the way and stomped off into the forest.  Finally, out of patience, Santa turned to Mrs. Claus and said, “Ho, Ho, Ho!  Never mind, my darling!  You set the table, and we’ll have a fine late supper when I get home tonight.”  Then he reached for his rifle that was hanging on the wall.  Donner’s brother’s name was Dinner.

The Little Drummer Boy

Forget everything you know about the little drummer boy — it’s all a pack of lies.  Yes, there actually was a Little Drummer Boy, but not the one we know from the song.  The truth is, he was a small-time sneak thief who spent his nights picking the pockets of decent folk in the souks of Baghdad.  He wasn’t very good at it, though, and after getting caught — a lot — he was told to either hit the road or become the newest member of the one glove club.  Drummer Boy skulked out of town on the next full moon and was well on his way to anonymity when he ran across the Three Wise Men who (as everybody knows) were on their way to Bethlehem.  LDB travelled with them for the next several days, shamelessly fawning and groveling in the hope of gaining their trust and getting his mitts on some of their treasure.  Unfortunately, wise as they probably were, when it came to street smarts, the Three Wise Men weren’t the sharpest scimitars in the desert, and they fell for this blatant con.  Drummer Boy made off with a jar of frankincense and headed for Damascus.  The Three Wise Men journeyed on — just a little wiser and one jar of frankincense lighter.  However, rather than admit they’d gotten scammed by a petty little crook, the Wise Men decided to rework the story in a more favourable light, and so emerged the tale we know today — “pa-rum-pum-pum-pum” and all.

And what happened to the Little Drummer Boy?  He was arrested for selling stolen frankincense, convicted and sentenced to 10 years hard labour in a Damascus prison — which is exactly what the treacherous little bugger deserved.

And, BTW, many people believe “The Little Drummer Boy” was written, in 1941, by Katherine Kennicott Davis, a mild-mannered New England music teacher.  This is not true.  The song was written by Nazis — flesh-eating, green-saliva Nazis — who were trying to undermine our morale during World War II.