Category: Humor

Best Father’s Day Gift — Ever

FatherSunday is Father’s Day — as if you didn’t know.  As holidays go, it’s one of the biggies — even though it doesn’t actually get a day — just a designated Sunday.  But that still tells us that dads are important: just not as important as Columbus who invented the Caribbean Cruise in 1492.  Which, BTW, you should never give your dad for Father’s Day — that’s kinda a husband and wife sorta thing.  Of course, I’m not saying wives can’t give husbands Father’s Day gifts — although (not to go all Freudian) ya really don’t wanna look at the psychology of that too closely.  Just take it as the given and move on.  But I digress.

Father’s Day is all about dad and his place in the family.  In the old days, dad’s job was a job.  He did all the work in bed to start the family rolling and then buggered off to real work so everybody had a roof over their head, food to eat and a second car for mom to take the kids to school and Little League.  Every once in a while, he’d come home early, scare the hell out of the kids, maybe cut the grass or play with his power tools, eat dinner, have a couple of cocktails, kiss the wife and start the whole process all over again.  It was a good life, but nobody much bothered with dad until it came time to pony up the cash.  Of course, in our contemporary society, dad’s role in the family is really quite different.  However, as of last year, the #1 day for collect telephone calls around the world was still Father’s Day.  Plus ca change!

The real problem with Father’s Day is what do you actually do with dad?  Unlike Mother’s Day, when a bunch of flowers and a badly cooked breakfast in bed will reduce any mom to tears, dads  have higher expectations.  After all, this is the only day they get, so they’re going wanna make a meal out of it.  Let me give you a hint: outflank the old guy.
“Hey, dad! Father’s Day’s coming.  It’s your special day, so … what do you want to do?”  GOTCHA!  The ball’s in his court now, and you’ve solved the problem.  You see, dads really don’t like those humourous neckties or the ACE Grip Power Bender 5000 Utility Tool.  What most dads want is time — time with their kids.  Give him that.  And if he insists on paying for the green fees, or the tickets to the ballgame, or the beer or the lunch — give him that, too: he’s your Dad.

Arrivederci Roma

Italy4I’m back.  Italy was brilliant.  And, wow, am I ever stupid!  It’s a fact of life that the more I travel, the more I realize I have tons to learn about travelling.  For example, this is what I learned this trip:

All that stuff in your carry-on luggage is junk — you don’t need it — you never look at it on the airplane and you’re hauling it around multiple airports, buses, trains and taxis because you’re an idiot.
There are some serious advantages to disconnecting yourself from the Internet, but it makes you twitch.
You cannot convince Europeans that you are not personally responsible for Donald Trump or Barack Obama’s Cat-In-The-Hat foreign policy — even though you’re actually a Canadian.
Heathrow Airport in London was designed by Rhesus monkeys who were trying to simulate their wild, survival of the fittest, primeval habitat.
Italian food is still the best in the known universe.
Americans have more fun than anyone on this planet.
And if you want something done, find a busy Australian.

Plus, I picked up some useful foreign phrases:

Foreign Phrase — No problem
North American English — We’re screwed!
Australian English — We’re screwed!  Let’s get started.
English — Apparently, it’s not a problem, Marjorie. Dogs routinely eat British passports in this part of the world.

Foreign Phrase — No problem, sir.
North American English — We are so-o-o-o-o screwed!
Australian English — What are ya going on about, ya bloody galah?  I heard ya the first time.
English — Apparently, that big smelly bugger over there owns the dog.  Give him some money, Marjorie, and let’s get back to the hotel.  No, not the brown ones; a couple of the blue ones should do.

Foreign Phrase — It’s a five minute walk to the (restaurant, Metro, hotel, museum, art gallery.)
North American English — We’re totally screwed.
Australian English — Found it on the GPS.  Bit of a trek to bypass the swamp, but we should get there before dark.  Let’s get started.
English — Sensible shoes, Marjorie, that’s the ticket.  Mind the barbed wire and broken glass.  Come on, Garibaldi.  Walkies!

Foreign Phrase — It’s a local delicacy.
North American English — We’re even more screwed today than we were yesterday.
Australian English — Not to my taste, but put a little Vegemite on it and it’s not half bad.  Give it a go, mate.  No drama: I packed five extra jars.
English — No, I don’t have any idea what “bulbo oculare” means, Marjorie, but the dog seems awfully keen.

Foreign Phrase — Arrivederci — Adios — Au Revoir — Auf Wiedersehen
North American English — Good bye!  We had such a wonderful time.  I just love learning about other cultures.
Australian English — No, we’re not leaving yet.  In Australia you get three months holiday for every year you work, another six months if you’ve work more than three years, another three months, if you work more than six months in one go, then three extra months if you don’t use your sick days, two months if you’ve been to the Northern Territories and another year off for good behaviour.  We don’t have to be back to work until July, 2021.
English — Apparently, as long as Britain’s still in the EU, Marjorie, we simply show them the dog at Passport Control.  That should see us right.

Happy Trails!