Never Say “Never”

never“Never” is a self-absorbed  bastard who hangs around our vocabulary doing nothing except making trouble.  Sure, every once in a while it might bestir itself to state the obvious like “I’ve ‘never’ been to Papua New Guinea,” but in general, it spends its days sittin’ on its ass.  You see “never” hardly ever (notice how I did that) comes up in ordinary conversation.  It thinks it’s too important for that pedestrian activity.  The only time “never” goes into action is when somebody’s jumped into the deep end of their ego pool and clearly can’t swim.  Then, and only then, “never” turns into this verbal ninja, dishing out the hyperbole like it’s Chuck Norris and turning every discussion into the War Of The Words.  Let me show you what I mean.

We use “never” when we’re pissed off —
“You never really loved me.”
Wow, that’s a big statement which pretty much throws 20 years of marriage, two kids and a mortgage under the bus.  Is it true?  Probably not.  It’s just “never” showing off and trying to make things difficult for the other guy.  What this actually means is “In recent history, you’ve been a dick.  You need to clean up your act, buddy.”  Unfortunately, “never” just turned that into the Shootout at the O.K. Corral.

We use “never” when we’re feeling sorry for ourselves.
“I never get anything.”
Clearly, this isn’t the case or we’d be twiddling our thumbs at the corner of Starvation and Depravity in beautiful downtown Mogadishu.  This is just “never” allowing us to indulge ourselves in an overdose of 1st World Problems.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, we got it rough! We didn’t notice Netflix doesn’t have Season #3 of our current TV binge and we’ve already put the self-buttered popcorn in the microwave.  Oh, woe is me!

We use “never” to trot out the self congrats
“I never eat junk food.”  “I never gossip.”  “I never have drama.” “I never look at Social Media.”
Hold it right there!  This is the 21st century: we live on this stuff.  This is “never” adding a few gratuitous strokes to our already plus-size egos.  If — by some miracle — any of us even knows someone who’s never (not ever) done any of these things (not even one of them) we’re probably Tibetan monks living in a cave.

And if that’s the case, what the hell are you doing reading this on the Internet?

Man Secrets — Revealed

Ladies, forget philosophy, psychology, psychiatry and gender studies.  Forget IQ tests, Briggs Myers and the FFM personality model.  In fact, forget it all, even the deep, dead of night heart-to-heart talk.  There is only one way to get to know anything about a man’s real personality.  The only way to determine what kind of a guy you’re dealing with is to ask him to make four simple choices.  And then ask why?  The answers will tell you everything you need to know about that particular man.  Because every heterosexual man on this planet has already thought about this — a lot — in the most intimate corner of his soul.

Wilma Flintstone or Betty Rubble?

betty and veronica6

Ginger Grant or Mary Ann Summers?

betty and veronica1

Veronica Lodge or Betty Cooper?

betty and veronica

Daphne Blake or Velma Dinkley?

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Here are some examples of what I mean.

Answer: Betty — ‘Cause Wilma is never going to leave Fred.
Analysis: This guy is not all that smart.

Answer: Ginger — Look at her!  She’s gorgeous.  We’d make the perfect couple.
Analysis: This guy has way too much ego and not very much money ’cause he obviously doesn’t own a mirror.

Answer: Betty — ‘Cause Veronica is such a total bitch.
Analysis: Eventually, I’m going to have to smother this guy in his sleep.

Answer: Daphne — Well, Velma’s kinda dumpy.
Analysis: Asshole!

——————

But don’t take my word for it.  Try it for real!  Because this might be the reality.

betty and veronica4

But at some point, every man in the world sees this.

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The Death Of Common Sense

common senseIt is with great sadness that I must announce the death of Common Sense.  Even though Common Sense had suffered from a debilitating illness for many years, few, if any of us, realized it was terminal — until it was too late.  Early reports say that it was not one massive act of utter Stupidity that killed Common Sense but years of petty Ignorance that simply destroyed Common Sense’s will to live.  Common Sense was predeceased by its lifelong partner, Pragmatism, and is survived by its children, Reason and Logic, who have vowed to continue their parents’ work.  Our thoughts and prayers are with the family at this time.

There is no clear record of the birth of Common Sense, but there are numerous documented examples of its accomplishments throughout human history.  Unfortunately, despite these many accolades, these days, Common Sense’s abilities and achievements are largely ignored.  And while it’s true some older people still remember Common Sense, it’s difficult for most people to imagine that Common Sense once practically ruled the world and had many devoted followers.  Sadly, those days are gone — perhaps forever.

Clearly, however, not everyone is saddened by this tragedy.  Politically Correct immediately took to Social Media to celebrate the demise of their greatest foe.

“Fry in Hell, Common Sense!”

“We totally reject the so-called ‘Common Sense Approach’ to problem solving.  Solutions do nothing to promote awareness of the issues.”

“Ding Dong! Descartes is Dead.
Ideology cut off his head.
Ding Dong! Rene Descartes is dead.”

Very uncool to use the ‘D’ word — and completely insensitive to people who have experienced (or will eventually experience) loss when friends or family pass.”

“Common Sense was an antiquated relic of the Eurocentric Enlightenment that has no place in our contemporary, ideologically diverse world.”

“Although we do not support Stupidity and Ignorance, we do recognize their legitimate struggle to reshape the narrative away from Common Sense’s solution-based agenda.”

“Aristotle was a misogynist, a xenophobic racist and probably a slave owner, and we call on all educators and pedagogues to stand together and erase his name from the curriculum.  We also call on all institutions of higher learning to remove his likeness or graven image from their physical environment.

“Reason & Logic — u r next!”

As yet, no funeral arrangements have been made, but it was Common Sense’s dying wish to be buried alongside Humour, Satire and Irony, childhood friends who were brutally murdered during the Culture Wars of the 1990s.

In lieu of flowers, the family has requested that mourners turn off Twitter and Facebook for A Moment of Cyber-Silence in memory of Common Sense’s ability to elevate the conversation beyond Internet trolling.

Rest In Peace, Common Sense.  You will be missed.