7 People To Avoid On Social Media

I love Social Media.  It’s like waking up in the morning and a couple of thousand people climb out of bed with you. Then, before you know it, there’s this gigantic cocktail party going on.  However, as with all social gatherings, there are a few people you kinda want to avoid.  Here’s a quick and dirty guide to the folks you need to stay away from on Social Media.  (FYI — I’ve managed to steer clear of some these folks, but the rest is bitter experience.)

Games R Us — I’ve got nothing against playing video games, but these people are the crack addicts of the Internet.  They’re constantly posting their achievements, sending you points and invitations, and generally cluttering up your cyberspace.  Why?  They want to get you hooked, too — so you’ll send them points and power-up crap and we can all be junkies together.

Puppies, Cats and Babies — Whatever you do, stay away from these people and their photos, their GIFs and their videos.  The cute will overwhelm you, you’ll end up giving all your money to the Save The Children Fund and your house will be overrun by 9 cats, 4 dogs, an African Grey parrot and a colony of hamsters.

I’ve Got My Caps Lock On — These folks are permanently pissed-off.  They post things like:  “Some people just need a high-five, in the face, with a chair!”  Or they’ll rant on (in capital letters) about how the kid at Starbucks™ misspelled their name, or the traffic was horrible, or work is torture and on and on and on.  And don’t get them started on politics!  If you hang with these snarly buggers, you may never smile again.

Share Bear Comedians — These are the people who think they’d be really good at standup (if only they had the chance.)  They post funny memes 10, 12, 16 times a day and an assortment of videos where some unsuspecting somebody gets nailed in the jewels.  Sometimes this stuff is funny, but eventually you realize these folks have nothing to say and they say it all day — every day.  Can you imagine how much time they spend online just finding this stuff?

I Have An Infinite Soul — These are the people who believe they live on a higher plane of consciousness than everybody else and have a burning need to share their awareness.  They’re continually posting platitudes to demonstrate their deep thoughts.  Mostly these are meaningless, self-help homilies.  This is easy — stay away from these pompous assholes.

I’m Going To Ruin Your Day — These are the people who post videos of blind dogs with no legs or kids with tubes in them or lonely old people on park benches or … Sweet Jesus! Just kill me now!  How the hell do you respond to this stuff?  “Gosh, I never realized the world was so full of torment and suffering.  I think I’ll just turn off my computer and cry for an hour or two.”

And finally:

I’m Old And You’re Stuck With Me — These are those sweet old friends and relatives who are still trying to figure out The Google.  Somebody set them up on Social Media and you friended or followed them to be nice.  Now, they think every time you post something, they’re required to make some lame ass comment.  Plus, they’re somebody’s mom’s friend or an Uncle Bill so you can’t get rid of them without feeling like a shit.  The best thing to do is just lol them once in a while and carry on.  (Most of them think lol means Lots of Love, anyway.)

GOOD LUCK!

OBIT: Common Sense

It is with great sadness that I must announce the death of Common Sense.  Even though Common Sense had suffered from a debilitating illness for many years, few, if any of us, realized it was terminal — until it was too late.  Early reports say that it was not one massive act of utter Stupidity that killed Common Sense but years of petty Ignorance that simply destroyed Common Sense’s will to live.  Common Sense was predeceased by its lifelong partner, Pragmatism, and is survived by its children, Reason and Logic, who have vowed to continue their parents’ work.  Our thoughts and prayers are with the family at this time.

There is no clear record of the birth of Common Sense, but there are numerous documented examples of its accomplishments throughout human history.  Unfortunately, despite these many accolades, these days, Common Sense’s abilities and achievements are largely ignored.  And while it’s true some older people still remember Common Sense, it’s difficult for most people to imagine that Common Sense once practically ruled the world and had many devoted followers.  Sadly, those days are gone — perhaps forever.

Clearly, however, not everyone is saddened by this tragedy.  Politically Correct immediately took to Social Media to celebrate the demise of their greatest foe.

“Fry in Hell, Common Sense!”

“We totally reject the so-called ‘Common Sense Approach’ to problem solving.  Solutions do nothing to promote awareness of the issues.”

“Ding Dong! Descartes is Dead.
Ideology cut off his head.
Ding Dong! Rene Descartes is dead.”

Very uncool to use the ‘D’ word — and completely insensitive to people who have experienced (or will eventually experience) loss when friends or family pass.”

“Common Sense was an antiquated relic of the Eurocentric Enlightenment that has no place in our contemporary, ideologically diverse world.”

“Although we do not support Stupidity and Ignorance, we do recognize their legitimate struggle to reshape the narrative away from Common Sense’s solution-based agenda.”

“Aristotle was a misogynist, a xenophobic racist and probably a slave owner, and we call on all educators and pedagogues to stand together and erase his name from the curriculum.  We also call on all institutions of higher learning to remove his likeness or graven image from their physical environment.

“Reason & Logic — u r next!”

As yet, no funeral arrangements have been made, but it was Common Sense’s dying wish to be buried alongside Humour, Satire and Irony, childhood friends who were brutally murdered during the Culture Wars of the 1990s.

In lieu of flowers, the family has requested that mourners turn off Twitter and Facebook for A Moment of Cyber-Silence in memory of Common Sense’s ability to elevate the conversation beyond Internet trolling.

Rest In Peace, Common Sense.  You will be missed.

Conspiracy In The Suez Canal

Last Tuesday, a cargo ship, the Ever Given, got stuck sideways in the Suez Canal.  Weird, huh?  Anyway, the result was a gridlock of hundreds of other cargo ships that couldn’t get past the stranded vessel.  It was a transportation nightmare that halted international commerce in all directions.  Apparently, the accident was caused by a sandstorm, high winds and a couple of teeny-tiny human errors – or, at least, that’s the story we got.  These days, however, between propaganda, spin and out-and-out fake news, it’s hard to take anything at face value – even what looks like a perfectly legitimate accident.  Luckily, we have the Internet and Social Media to guide us.  Here are several spurious explanations of just exactly what the truth is about the good ship Ever Given

1 — It’s obvious that this is a covert attempt by the Canadian government to disrupt international shipping.  Canada has spent millions developing the so-called “Northern Sea Route” from Asia to Europe across the Arctic Circle.  However, they needed an “incident” to force the multi-nationals to consider alternative trade routes.  The so-called “experts” haven’t thought of this because Canadians seems so friendly and nice.    

2 — I think it’s awfully interesting that March 23, the day the Ever Given ran aground in the Suez Canal, is the same day that Benito Mussolini formed the Fascist Union in 1919 and Adolf Hitler became the dictator of Germany in 1933.  Coincidence?  Alt-right conspiracy?  You decide!  

3 — If you read between the lines, this is hard evidence that Global Warming is a hoax.  If sea levels are rising — as Greta Thunberg and the environmentalists claim — there would have been more than enough water in the Suez Canal to refloat the Ever Given.  Obviously, that didn’t happen.  Obviously, sea levels are NOT rising.  Obviously, Global Warming is a hoax.  Do your homework, people!

4 — Trump did it.

5 — The Ever Given ran aground on 23-3-21 (3-23-21 in America.)  The last three numbers are clearly a 3-2-1 countdown to the end of the world.  Plus, if you look up Revelation 3:21 in the Bible, you find:

“To him that overcometh will I grant to sit with me in my throne, even as I also overcame, and am set down with my Father in his throne.”

I think this message is pretty clear to anybody who is willing to see it.  Amen!

6 — I saw a YouTube video that shows a man identified as the captain of the Ever Given receiving a large envelope from another man who looks suspiciously like Prince William.  Undoubtedly, the British Royal Family used their enormous wealth to create a catastrophic event that would distract the world’s attention from the devastating Oprah/Markle interview. 

7 — Nostradamus predicted this.

8 — It’s shocking to me that most people have missed the fact that Ever Given is an anagram for GE Veering. This is a subtle clue that shows General Electric (G.E.) deliberately turned the Ever Given sideways to block shipping of electronic goods from Asia, which, in turn, created an artificial shortage and thus drove up prices.

And finally:

9 — I’ve done some research, and if you draw a line from the Great Pyramid at Giza through the spot where the Ever Given was stuck, you end up on the slopes of Mount Ararat in Turkey.  Since it’s an accepted fact that the Pyramids were constructed by aliens and Noah’s Ark was actually an alien cargo ship carrying animals to Earth, it’s safe to assume the next alien landing will be on that mountain.  We should set up observation posts.