Conspiracy In The Suez Canal

Last Tuesday, a cargo ship, the Ever Given, got stuck sideways in the Suez Canal.  Weird, huh?  Anyway, the result was a gridlock of hundreds of other cargo ships that couldn’t get past the stranded vessel.  It was a transportation nightmare that halted international commerce in all directions.  Apparently, the accident was caused by a sandstorm, high winds and a couple of teeny-tiny human errors – or, at least, that’s the story we got.  These days, however, between propaganda, spin and out-and-out fake news, it’s hard to take anything at face value – even what looks like a perfectly legitimate accident.  Luckily, we have the Internet and Social Media to guide us.  Here are several spurious explanations of just exactly what the truth is about the good ship Ever Given

1 — It’s obvious that this is a covert attempt by the Canadian government to disrupt international shipping.  Canada has spent millions developing the so-called “Northern Sea Route” from Asia to Europe across the Arctic Circle.  However, they needed an “incident” to force the multi-nationals to consider alternative trade routes.  The so-called “experts” haven’t thought of this because Canadians seems so friendly and nice.    

2 — I think it’s awfully interesting that March 23, the day the Ever Given ran aground in the Suez Canal, is the same day that Benito Mussolini formed the Fascist Union in 1919 and Adolf Hitler became the dictator of Germany in 1933.  Coincidence?  Alt-right conspiracy?  You decide!  

3 — If you read between the lines, this is hard evidence that Global Warming is a hoax.  If sea levels are rising — as Greta Thunberg and the environmentalists claim — there would have been more than enough water in the Suez Canal to refloat the Ever Given.  Obviously, that didn’t happen.  Obviously, sea levels are NOT rising.  Obviously, Global Warming is a hoax.  Do your homework, people!

4 — Trump did it.

5 — The Ever Given ran aground on 23-3-21 (3-23-21 in America.)  The last three numbers are clearly a 3-2-1 countdown to the end of the world.  Plus, if you look up Revelation 3:21 in the Bible, you find:

“To him that overcometh will I grant to sit with me in my throne, even as I also overcame, and am set down with my Father in his throne.”

I think this message is pretty clear to anybody who is willing to see it.  Amen!

6 — I saw a YouTube video that shows a man identified as the captain of the Ever Given receiving a large envelope from another man who looks suspiciously like Prince William.  Undoubtedly, the British Royal Family used their enormous wealth to create a catastrophic event that would distract the world’s attention from the devastating Oprah/Markle interview. 

7 — Nostradamus predicted this.

8 — It’s shocking to me that most people have missed the fact that Ever Given is an anagram for GE Veering. This is a subtle clue that shows General Electric (G.E.) deliberately turned the Ever Given sideways to block shipping of electronic goods from Asia, which, in turn, created an artificial shortage and thus drove up prices.

And finally:

9 — I’ve done some research, and if you draw a line from the Great Pyramid at Giza through the spot where the Ever Given was stuck, you end up on the slopes of Mount Ararat in Turkey.  Since it’s an accepted fact that the Pyramids were constructed by aliens and Noah’s Ark was actually an alien cargo ship carrying animals to Earth, it’s safe to assume the next alien landing will be on that mountain.  We should set up observation posts.

I Miss BJM

Last year (Yeah, The Twelve Months From Hell) one of my eBuddies decided she wasn’t going to be kicked around by the gloom and doom circling the planet.  So she did something about it.  She used her blog to create Bad Joke Monday — a bit of silliness in a world of woe.  Then she spread it around in her little corner of the world – cuz that’s what you’re supposed to do.  Everyone who was touched by BJM (as it came to be called) had a grin, a giggle and usually a groan every week – plus, they got to see some kickass illustrations.  It was a cool comedy umbrella when everything seemed to be seriously raining on our parade.  I loved BJM, and I miss it.  So, with a virtual salute to all of us who were involved in CJ’s creation, here are some really, really bad jokes.  Enjoy!

It’s time to stop eating grapes.  It’s all about raisin awareness.

Last week, I found out I was colour blind.  It just came out of the green.

The local archery club likes to hold their meetings at the cheese shop … just to shoot the brie.

A man got hit by a train and broke his left arm and his left leg.  He’s all right now.

A minister, a priest and a rabbit walked into a blood bank.  The nurse asked, “What’s your blood type?” and the rabbit replied, “I’m pretty sure I’m a Type-O.”

Atheists belong to a non-prophet organization.

A piano fell down a mineshaft, and all that was left was A Flat Minor.

People are shocked when they find out what a bad electrician I am.

The first time I used a universal remote control, I thought, “Wow! This changes everything.”

I can only recite 25 letters of the alphabet.  I can’t remember why.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Let’s all go for coffee.  It’ll be a latte of fun.

What do you say to a one-legged hitchhiker?  Hop in.

What do you call a fish who doesn’t have any eyes?  A fsh.

Would you mind if I took a picture of you naked?  No problem.  Put your clothes over there.

What did the beaver say when he hit his head on a wall?  Dam!

If you ever get a bladder infection – you’re in trouble.

I’m not addicted to drinking brake fluid; I can stop anytime.

If you’re holding a bee, what’s in your eye?  Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.

And finally:

I ordered a thesaurus from Amazon, but when it arrived, the pages were blank.  I have no words to describe how angry I was.

Scarier Than Covid

Humans are built to worry.  It’s in our DNA.  It’s why we became the dominant species on this planet — and not lunch.  When you’re the slowest, skinniest, weakest predator in the food chain, you need to develop some skills. One of the most important is anticipating danger.  It’s looking into the nice, warm cave and imagining the badass beastie who might be in there, just waiting for an unsuspecting Cro-Magnon Happy Meal to come along.  To be wary of the unknown is to be human.  So when an invisible little bug comes wheelin’ out of (dare I say it?) China and starts killing people, our natural tendency is to say “OMG!  Is it going to get me?”  Good question, but remember: as terrible as Covid is, it’s a temporary pain in the ass.  There are other things in this world that are a lot more permanent — and a lot scarier.  And if we don’t watch out, they WILL get us.  Here are just a few examples.

1 — Record Keeping – Back in the day, when anyone wanted to preserve knowledge, they carved it into a stone.  We literally have tons of examples that are thousands of years old: Hammurabi’s Code, the Rosetta Stone, the Pyramids.  They are all still there for anyone to see.  These days, however, when we want to keep important stuff safe, we rely on digital dots that head off into … I don’t know where.  However, I do know (wherever they go) some adolescent hacker with a grievance can go get them.  Not only that, but if he’s pissed off enough, he can do terrible things to them – with his telephone.  Personally, I’m scared stupid that my medical records, criminal records, bank history, driving history, Amazon account, credit cards, PIN number and library card are all at the mercy of a teenager with a grudge.  Swear at some kid on the subway and you could end up a bankrupt sex offender with a scheduled colonoscopy, outstanding warrants and overdue books.

2 — Lawyers – I can’t even write anything here because I’m scared some bloodsucking lawyer will take offence and sue the pants off me.  (Disclaimer: This is a general comment and not directed at any particular bloodsucking lawyer, living or dead.)

3 — Fraidy-cat Feminism – Nope, I’m not going to go there, either.

4 — The Cyber Mob – There’s a social media lynch mob out there just waiting for somebody – anybody — to step out of line, and there’s no law against them coming after me.

5 — University Students – Young people are supposed to be outrageous.  They’re supposed to say and do things that rankle the rest of us.  They’re supposed to talk about stuff that stodgy old buggers like me shy away from.  It’s their job because that’s where new ideas come from.  So, it scares the hell out of me when I hear undergrads demanding “trigger warnings” to alert them to the imminent danger of — words.  That’s right: we’ve raised an entire generation who are afraid of words.  “Careful, kids — or the nouns’ll get ya!”  It’s impossible to overestimate how dangerous this is.  University students should be on the frontline of our war against ignorance.  They’re supposed to take intellectual risks, not cower in a “safe space,” clutching their “anxiety puppies.”  These are the folks who are destined to deal with the problems of the 21st century.  How?  They can’t even hear the names without getting PTSD.  And BTW, calling them “snowflakes” is demeaning to the survival skills of snow.

And finally, the root of all anxiety in the world:

6 — Politically Correct – This new religion of the intellectually lazy has evangelized the entire world, and those who refused to convert have been slapped into silence. (See item #4.)  It has created so many sacred cows that our conversations are starving to death.  Think about it!  How many topics do you avoid just because it’s easier that way?  How many subjects are verboten?  How many times have you thought twice about expressing an opinion?  It’s getting to the point where we can’t even talk about the weather without some “woke warrior” lecturing us on the evils of climate change.  And the scariest thing about it is there’s never going to be a vaccine available to kill this viral stupidity.

 Now, that’s frightening!