Category: Life

The Unsung Casualties Of Covid-19

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Even though we are not out of the dark hole of Covid-19 yet, there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel — and it’s not the paramedics.  People are beginning to speculate on the economic impact of shutting down the world economy for several months.  A lot of industries have taken some serious body blows and are trying desperately to endure.  For example, I have no idea how cruise ships are going to come back from this.  (Quite frankly, they couldn’t pay me enough to get on one of those floating petri dishes!)  Meanwhile, other industries have adapted.  Liquor stores are delivering, restaurants are takeout only and housecleaners are working from home, telephoning detailed instructions to rich people on how to make the bed and plug in the vacuum cleaner.  Unfortunately, other industries simply cannot survive.  These are real people whose lives have been torn apart — but the world has forgotten them.  They are the unsung casualties of Covid-19.

Pickpockets – This has got to be the most devastated industry in the world.  By definition, the pickpocket business is a people business — up-close-and-personal.  Social distancing has all but destroyed this once thriving traditional occupation.  In fact, in most tourist traps, there is actually 100% unemployment.  These numbers are catastrophic.  Although, given human nature, I’m certain there are still a few dedicated craftspeople out there, plying their trade – struggling to survive.

Prostitutes – Suddenly, what was once called “the world’s oldest profession” isn’t even a profession anymore. Yeah, yeah, yeah!  There’s still phone sex and Live Cam, and I’ve read that some people are turning to ZOOM for illicit group encounters, but … The thing is, and I believe most people will agree, the erotic buzz of paying a stranger for sex just isn’t there when you’re forced to remain 2 metres (six feet) apart.  And, this has become an insurmountable challenge for many hardworking men and women.

Spies – Fast cars, tuxedos and little, itty bitty gadgets have no place in today’s world.  Think about it!  It’s impossible to pull off a mission impossible when all the bad guys are stuck at home watching Netflix.  Hell, everybody has a hideout these days!  And it’s not as if you can sneak up on anybody when you’re the only one on the street.  Although, to be fair, high speed car chases are a lot easier — except there’s nobody out there to chase.  The reality is, Post Covid-19 James Bond may have to go back to bird watching.

Aroma Therapists – It’s hard to work up a bunch of sympathy for these scam artists who’ve spent the last decade charging big bucks to let people smell things.  Of course, some of them are still selling their snake oil online, but that’s not going to last very long.  It won’t be many days before most folks discover that all it takes to feel good about yourself is a loaf of bread in the oven.  And if you really wanna get happy … just bake some cinnamon rolls.

And finally:

Meghan and Harry – They couldn’t have picked a worse time to get into the celebrity business.  Pissed off about being a second-string Duchess, Meghan decided she wanted to be the Reigning Queen of Southern California.  Unfortunately, all of her potential subjects are busy trying to keep their own media brands alive.  They just don’t have time to faux fawn over a couple of ex-royals.  Plus, after Gal Gadot’s “imagine no possessions” fiasco unmasked the industrial-strength hypocrisy most celebs practice so diligently, being idly rich isn’t all that fashionable any more.

So, let’s all remember, in these troubled times, some people are a lot worse off than we are.

The World Keeps Turning

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It’s been about a month since Covid-19 fell on our world like a pack of wolves on a flock of sheep.  Fortunately, humans are an adaptable species and we are beginning to adjust to the new “normal.”  Here are just a few examples of what THE NEW NORMAL looks like.

A tiger at the Bronx zoo tested positive for Covid-19.  Wow, I didn’t see that one coming!  But I’ve got a few rhetorical questions.  Why, in a time of medical shortage and emergency, would anyone take the time and trouble to test a tiger?  Who thought it was necessary?  Did they test all the animals, starting with aardvarks, or just the tigers?  If they only tested tigers, isn’t that species profiling?  Shouldn’t all the cat people be going Twitter-Nutsy right now?  And finally, what’s the big deal?  It’s been my experience that maintaining a safe social distance from a full grown tiger is pretty much common sense.

The mayor of Baltimore called on the street gangs of his city to quit shooting each other because the medical facilities were needed to combat the virus.  The gangs, taking their social responsibility seriously, stepped up and called a truce for the duration.  I guess everybody’s got to do their part in these troubled times.

The BBC reported that, in response to a worldwide pandemic that has ripped apart the lives of billions of people on 6 continents, bankrupted millions and killed close to 100,000 – so far — the city of Shenzhen is taking action.  They are about to become the first city in China to ban the eating of dogs and cats.  The ban isn’t happening right now, but will take effect on May 1st because – uh — restaurants and grocery stores still have them in stock?  A lot of people have already booked the barbeque?  Who knows?  Actually there’s no logical reason for a 30 day delay in this legislation (it’s not like anybody in China gets a vote!) but, you’ve been warned: if you want to have Rover over for dinner, in Shenzhen, you better do it soon.  And the Chinese authorities are not fooling around either.  Apparently, there will be some pretty steep fines for Kung Pao Kitten.  So, after May one, anybody with a craving for pet food is going to have to get their ass outside the city limits – end of story.

Several countries have decided not to participate in the Covid-19 pandemic.  Most of these are remote Pacific Island nations like Nauru, Tuvalu and Vanuatu– which makes sense, because they’re all self-isolated by thousands of kilometres of water.  Then, there are other countries like Yemen where the leading causes of death are gunshot wounds and suicide bombers, so a persistent cough is not going to get anybody a lot of hospital time.  But the two places that beggar my imagination are Turkmenistan and North Korea.  They both have boldly declared that they simply do not have any cases of Covid-19.  None!  Okay, Turkmenistan I can kinda understand: I had to Google it just to find out where it was — so I doubt it, but maybe. . . .   However … North Korea?  It shares a land border with China, the biggest bogyman hiding under the pandemic bed; their economies are intimately connected, and thousands of people go back and forth across the border every day.  What are the chances?  Unless, of course, the Glorious Leader, Kim Jong whatever-his-name-is stood on the Yalu River, drove a spear into the Earth and shouted, (in his best Gandalf voice) “Go back to the shadows. You shall not pass!” and the virus turned around and went home.  Given all the other batshit-crazy stuff coming out of that country, sounds legit!

Time For A “Time Out”

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Call it the Corona Virus, the Chinese Virus, Covid-19 or just a good old-fashion pandemic: it’s clear to me that Mother Nature has given all of us a super-serious “time out” to think about what we’ve done.  So here are a few things I’ve been thinking about.

It took the canals of Venice less than a month to clean themselves.  This is proof that we might not be able to stop climate change, but it’s definitely possible to have clean water and blue skies again.

This doesn’t end here: we need to learn from our mistakes.  And after Sars, Avion Flu, Swine flu, Ebola, etc., etc. — in the future, our international strategy should be containing this stuff at the source, rather than chasing it all over the planet once it escapes.

Three cheers for technology!

No, human nature doesn’t change, but it’s nice to know that, in times of crisis, it does mutate for the better.

Social distancing will mark the end of Uncle Ernie’s long, boring stories and stupid “Pull My Finger” humour.

No virus can put a stop to Kanye West, Kim Kardashian and Taylor Swift’s relentless quest for attention.

I am seriously embarrassed by the things that used to annoy me.

It’s amazing how quickly toilet paper jokes lose their lustre.

For the first time, North American drive-thru car culture makes a little bit of sense.

I’ll betcha most parents, stuck with home schooling, aren’t bad- mouthing teachers anymore.

When this is over, we need to give Amazon a rest (they’re going to be totally tired) and buy our stuff locally.  These are the folks who were on the front line.  Now it’s our turn to help them.

I’m amazed at how friendly people can be – at a distance.

For the next month or so, it’s going to be super easy to find Waldo.

I’m pretty much laughing my ass off at the Zombie Apocalypse.

And finally:

To those clever but equally nasty bastard millennials who are calling this the “Boomer Buster” don’t be in such a hurry to get your inheritance.  Grandma might just fool you and leave her money to medical science!