Tag: cinema

I Call Bullshit (Movie Edition)

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This is movie season and I love movies.  However, movie people — writers, producers, directors and such — keep making storyline mistakes that just drive me crazy.  And these aren’t those little esoteric anachronisms that Internet nerds wet their pants over.
(“In Back To the Future, are we expected to believe that Marty McFly can play a Gibson ES 345 guitar in 1955 when they weren’t even produced until 1958?”  Guys!  Relax!  You’ve already accepted the premise that Doc. Brown built a time machine!)

No, it’s not dumb crap like that.  It’s major plot devices that are just plain wrong — good old-fashioned, common-sense wrong.  And I’m 100% certain that movie people know they’re wrong, and they either think the rest of us are idiots, or they don’t give a tinker’s dam what we think.  Let me demonstrate.

Defibrillators do not revive the dead.  Any first year medical school student will tell you that when the patient’s little beep machine goes flatline, the guy’s dead.   End of story.   Nailing him with 50,000 volts isn’t going to bring him back to life; it’s going to cook him!

There is no oxygen in space — none.  Therefore, regardless of how many times you hit the alien ship with phasers, lasers, blasters or proton torpedoes, it’s not gonna explode.  Explosions need oxygen.  Without oxygen, you’re breaking Einstein’s First Theory of You’re A Dumbass.

Airport security doesn’t work that way.  You cannot leave your car parked at the front door of a major international airport and go running across the concourse, chasing the girl of your dreams.  If — IF? — the cops don’t shoot your ass, the best you can hope for is you’ll be tackled by two (or more) burly security guards and get a Full Monty cavity search at what’s commonly called an “undisclosed location.”  And they’re definitely going to tow your car — and probably blow it up in a controlled explosion.

Nobody gets that high.  I don’t care what Seth Rogen says; smoking marijuana will not leave you passed out on a beach, in a different town, holding a koala bear and wearing nothing but a hockey helmet and your girlfriend’s underwear.  Smoke that much dope and you’ll end up hopelessly interested in the length of your toes.

Computer hacking doesn’t work better if you type faster.

I’m no expert, but having sex with your bra on has got to be uncomfortable.  Plus, how horny do you have to be not to take 5 seconds to unhook a bra — especially given the obsession our society has with breasts?  (Just sayin’!)

And there are tons more.  Don’t even get me started on what guns can and cannot do.  But my very favourite is:

Anybody who’s ever driven to work in a major urban centre will tell you a high-speed car chase through the streets of London, Paris, New York, Los Angeles or Lincoln, Nebraska is impossible — not just improbable — impossible.  There are too many cars and not enough roads.  In fact, the average speed in any major city is under 15 kilometres an hour (10 mph in the USA.)  Now hear this, James Bond, Jason Bourne and Ethan Hunt: if you’re at all serious about getting away from the bad guys, try a bicycle!

Wonder Woman: A Few Words

feministUnless you’ve been vacationing on one of the moons of Jupiter for the last year, you know that the movie Wonder Woman is being released today.  In fact, if you’re at all interested, you’ve probably seen most of the good bits on YouTube already.  However, Wonder Woman is a significant film: it made the BBC’s list of What to Watch in June.  (That’s right! The list that’s normally reserved for thoughtful, dark  tragedies, lit only by the glow of their English subtitles.) So, why is Wonder Woman such a biggie?  I can think of a couple of reasons.

1 — It’s the latest offensive in the Great Franchise Wars.  DC and Marvel Comics have been battling it out for the hearts and minds of post-pubescent spenders since the 1960s, kinda like Coke and Pepsi.  DC had an early advantage with name recognition characters like Superman, Batman and — yes — Wonder Woman, but since most superheroes have now made the leap from comic page to blockbuster film, Marvel has the upper hand.  Their Infinity Stone story line, with Robert Downey Jr., Scarlett Johansson, Chris Pratt and now Benedict Cumberbatch  leading the way, is totally better than anything DC has to offer.  Despite the spin, the truth is DC’s one bright light, Batman, burned out when Christian Bale — bailed.  They wanted to go serious badass with Suicide Squad (Will Smith, Jared Leto and Margot Robbie in short shorts) but that sucked.  Now they’re stuck with Ben Affleck and an assortment of oh-yeah-that-guy personalities.  Wonder Woman is the candle in the wind  that DC needs to reignite their brand, and they’re burning tons of promo money to make sure it doesn’t go out.

2 — Wonder Woman is the poster child of post feminist Hollywood.  This is 2017, and, in the movies, the “damsel in distress” motif is no longer in vogue.  These days, it’s strong female role models that capture the big bucks.  (I’m looking at you, Hunger Games.)  So, along comes Wonder Woman — she’s a smart, capable, physically strong, out of the closet bisexual, with no visible signs of PMS.  Not bad!  Unfortunately, gender equality in action films is — uh — still a little tricky.  Yeah, the girls get to saddle up and go to war alongside the guys, but even a quick glance will tell you they don’t get quite as many clothes.  Batman and Superman are suited and booted, tonsils to toes, whereas Wonder Woman has to fight evil in what amounts to a pimped-out, French-cut leather bathing suit.  Fortunately, despite the obvious disadvantages of going half naked into that murderous night, she seems more than happy to do it.  So, in a world dominated by the faux-feminism of celebrities like the Kardashian sisters, Wonder Woman ticks all the boxes.

And finally:

3 — Social media, the cyber-guardian of all that is weird and wonderful in our world, has already given its blessing.  There was a minor hiccup when nobody could decide whether Wonder Woman should shave her armpits or not, but that kinda Twittered out.  Now, it’s back on the awesome train, and it looks as if Wonder Woman will set the table for the DC boys to come back and make a meal out of Justice League in November.

 

A Few Words About Movies

filmPeople get old; there’s no sense in getting all pissy about it.  First of all, there are tons of benefits, like a seat on the bus. Second, you’re way smarter (in most cases) than you were at 25; and third, most importantly, the alternative is a total bummer.  However, there is one tragic downside to getting old.  And since this is Cannes Film Festival Week, I thought I’d point it out.
If you live long enough, you get to see a lot of movies more than once.

Some would say this is a good thing.  For example, I’ve seen Casablanca so many times I know the dialogue — all of it — and I’ve never regretted the time spent.  But, believe me, there is a darker side.

** SPOILER ALERT **

1 — The M. Night Shyamalan Effect
You just shouldn’t watch some movies more than once.  These are the twisty ones that leave you gasping at the end, with your mouth open.   I’m looking at you, The Usual Suspects, The Sixth Sense and The Crying Game.  These are fantastic films, and sometimes you might think you’d like to see them again.  Don’t!  Watching a surprise ending movie twice is like trying to lose your virginity — a second time.  When you know what’s about to happen, it’s just not the same.

2 — OMG! What a piece of trash!
Some movies have added significance because we saw them at a particular time and place in our life.  (Puberty, third dates and your sophomore year in college are notorious for this.)  The problem is when you see them again, you realize they’re crap.  In this case, disappointment is the least of your worries because, invariably, you also remember the stupid stuff you did because of the feel-good contact high.  Like the time you went to see Two Of A Kind with Matthew Stilwell’s roommate Veronica Thompson (not their real names) and it felt totally cool ’cause it was right after Grease and had a decent sound track.  But then you went home and slept together — ’cause somebody said “It’s over between us.” Except it wasn’t, and then you had to spend the entire semester trying to get rid of those two psychos.  Er — uh — anyway, stuff like that can happen, and every time that movie comes back on TV, ya hate yourself — all over again.

But the very worst is:

3 — The damn thing still doesn’t end the way it’s supposed to.
In any good movie, you start cheering for the characters.   It’s perfectly natural.  You want Sean Astin to play in the big game, Kirsten Dunst to fall in love with Toby Maguire and somebody — ANYBODY — to finally kill that bastard with the British accent.  However, sometimes, despite all the emotional currency you have invested in the film, it all goes sideways.  This happens because writers are dicks.  They take perverse pleasure in writing a perfectly great script and then toying with us.  For example, we all know that Scarlett Johansson is way too flaky for anything long-term with Javier Bardem and Penelope Cruz.  Okay, fine!  But what about Rebecca Hall (the real story’s about her, anyway) so why doesn’t she give it a go?  She’s a way better fit in that relationship — totally more interesting.  Besides, she wants to, he wants her to, I want her to, my wife wants her to and Penelope Cruz doesn’t care.  But, no!  She settles for Chris Messina, gets on the plane and commits herself to a life of perpetual beige.  WTF?  Every time I see that movie, I think “God, Vicky!  Juan Antonio’s standing right there.  What’s your problem?”  Woody Allen, you’re such an asshole.