I swore I wouldn’t do this. I said to myself, “Self, don’t you dare! Walk away! Just walk away! It’ll be over soon, and nobody will care!” But in the end, it was just too delicious to resist, too off-the-wall funny, too hilariously 21st century to pass up. So here are a few thoughts on The Slap. (Notice, at a time when Hong Kong politics, Sri Lanka protests and the French election need a few words of explanation, everybody knows what I’m talking about. Sad but true!) Anyway:
1 – Since the Oscar altercation, both Oprah and Ellen have offered Will Smith big money – Oprah for an exclusive tell-all interview and Ellen to help with her staffing problems.
2 – I’m pretty sure that if the Rock had been onstage — instead of Chris Rock — none of this would have happened.
3 – Likewise, Wanda Sykes wouldn’t have gone as quietly as Chris Rock did. Lay a smack on her, and she’d have let loose with a haymaker and put the boots to Smith on the way down.
4 – Plus, co-host Amy Schumer, who was making jokes about it 5 minutes after Smith went all “hands on,” confessed that the next day she felt “physically sick” over the whole event. Amy, that’s a hangover!
5 – And “physically sick” seems to be the celebrity go-to reaction — although most of them aren’t too sick to get out of their hospital beds, get on a talk show and tell the world how “physically sick” they feel. Oh, and get a few belated kicks into an A-lister while they’re at it.
6 – And remember these are the same people who clapped and cheered when Smith walked up on stage – the second time – to collect his Oscar, listened attentively while the recent felon gave a thank you speech and clapped and cheered some more when he was done. (Damn that subsequent integrity!)
7 – Meanwhile, B, C and D list celebrities, who were at home eating pizza the night of the Oscars, are suddenly calling Chris Rock, “Chris” and speculating on what drove “Will” to that level of unacceptable mayhem.
So, what have we learned?
1 – A celebrity assault can knock Climate Change, a Pandemic and a War off the front page — which proves, beyond debate, that we’re living in an intellectual, cultural and spiritual Brave New World, and the Betas are definitely in control.
2 – In an age when every celebrity on the planet is lip-syncing gender equality, it would have been a lot more fun if Jada Pinkett Smith had done her own slapping. Who’s the bad guy now, Twittersphere?