Conspiracy In The Suez Canal

Last Tuesday, a cargo ship, the Ever Given, got stuck sideways in the Suez Canal.  Weird, huh?  Anyway, the result was a gridlock of hundreds of other cargo ships that couldn’t get past the stranded vessel.  It was a transportation nightmare that halted international commerce in all directions.  Apparently, the accident was caused by a sandstorm, high winds and a couple of teeny-tiny human errors – or, at least, that’s the story we got.  These days, however, between propaganda, spin and out-and-out fake news, it’s hard to take anything at face value – even what looks like a perfectly legitimate accident.  Luckily, we have the Internet and Social Media to guide us.  Here are several spurious explanations of just exactly what the truth is about the good ship Ever Given

1 — It’s obvious that this is a covert attempt by the Canadian government to disrupt international shipping.  Canada has spent millions developing the so-called “Northern Sea Route” from Asia to Europe across the Arctic Circle.  However, they needed an “incident” to force the multi-nationals to consider alternative trade routes.  The so-called “experts” haven’t thought of this because Canadians seems so friendly and nice.    

2 — I think it’s awfully interesting that March 23, the day the Ever Given ran aground in the Suez Canal, is the same day that Benito Mussolini formed the Fascist Union in 1919 and Adolf Hitler became the dictator of Germany in 1933.  Coincidence?  Alt-right conspiracy?  You decide!  

3 — If you read between the lines, this is hard evidence that Global Warming is a hoax.  If sea levels are rising — as Greta Thunberg and the environmentalists claim — there would have been more than enough water in the Suez Canal to refloat the Ever Given.  Obviously, that didn’t happen.  Obviously, sea levels are NOT rising.  Obviously, Global Warming is a hoax.  Do your homework, people!

4 — Trump did it.

5 — The Ever Given ran aground on 23-3-21 (3-23-21 in America.)  The last three numbers are clearly a 3-2-1 countdown to the end of the world.  Plus, if you look up Revelation 3:21 in the Bible, you find:

“To him that overcometh will I grant to sit with me in my throne, even as I also overcame, and am set down with my Father in his throne.”

I think this message is pretty clear to anybody who is willing to see it.  Amen!

6 — I saw a YouTube video that shows a man identified as the captain of the Ever Given receiving a large envelope from another man who looks suspiciously like Prince William.  Undoubtedly, the British Royal Family used their enormous wealth to create a catastrophic event that would distract the world’s attention from the devastating Oprah/Markle interview. 

7 — Nostradamus predicted this.

8 — It’s shocking to me that most people have missed the fact that Ever Given is an anagram for GE Veering. This is a subtle clue that shows General Electric (G.E.) deliberately turned the Ever Given sideways to block shipping of electronic goods from Asia, which, in turn, created an artificial shortage and thus drove up prices.

And finally:

9 — I’ve done some research, and if you draw a line from the Great Pyramid at Giza through the spot where the Ever Given was stuck, you end up on the slopes of Mount Ararat in Turkey.  Since it’s an accepted fact that the Pyramids were constructed by aliens and Noah’s Ark was actually an alien cargo ship carrying animals to Earth, it’s safe to assume the next alien landing will be on that mountain.  We should set up observation posts.

Everyday Orgasms

mouthsIn our neo-Victorian, button-down society, the orgasm has been relegated to a worrisome burden, the subject of bone-dry talk shows and diligent documentaries.  Half the population is searching through the sexual Himalayas, trying desperately to even glimpse this mythical beast, while the other half is pleading with God that they don’t find it too soon.  If we ever want to enjoy sex again without a bunch of know-it-all phobia-ists looking over our shoulder, we need to release the orgasm from its sexual handcuffs.  We can do it!  There is an inner Meg Ryan in all of us, just straining to get out.  Check out the list of situations below and honestly ask yourself if you haven’t, in fact, already experienced an Everyday Orgasm.

Cold feet — warm socks.

Somebody else made that fresh pot of coffee.

You discover Netflix has put up Season 4!

After two hours of foreplay, the computer magically does as it’s told.

Your tongue finally gets that raspberry seed out of your teeth.

Finding the perfect parking spot and there’s money left on the meter!

Grandma brought cake.

The first fart after a long and formal evening.

The person who’s scratching your back is in exactly the right spot.

And finally, after years of extensive research among the majority of my friends, the #1 best everyday orgasm:

Kicking off your heels and unhooking your bra after the mother of all crappy days at work.

I’m sure I’ve miss a few.  Use the comments to complete the list.

Two Kinds of Stupid

stupidOne of the many things they never tell you in high school is that there’s a big difference between knowing stuff and being smart.  If you know stuff, you get to amuse your friends and win impromptu arguments, but unless you get on Jeopardy, it’s not really a paying proposition.  However, if you’re smart, you can write your own ticket.  Here’s a simple example.  Given a map, I can generally find most of the countries in the world.  I get a little confused with all the new “stans” that showed up in Asia in the 1990s, and I don’t think even John Kerry knows what’s going on in the Balkans, but I get by.  For the most part, this is useless information, since, in all my years, no one has ever come up to me and said, “By the way, where’s Singapore?”  My point is that just knowing something is useless — unless you know what to do with the information.  Knowledge for its own sake may be a philosopher’s wet dream, but in practical terms, it doesn’t pay the rent.

However, let’s not get carried away with the educated idiot analogy because the other thing they never explain in high school, even while they’re teaching it, is that in order to be smart, you have to know stuff.  Information is fundamental to problem-solving, and you need to learn as many facts as possible because, without them, even the smartest person in the world is a dolt.  Again, let me explain.  Because I do know where Singapore is, I’m way ahead of the curve.  I understand a lot more about my world than the person who doesn’t have a clue about the Lion City.  For example, I know why it’s King Midas rich, how it got that way, and why it’s probably going remain in the Daddy Warbucks’ Top Ten.  Take a look.  Singapore is on the southern tip of the Malay Peninsula, on the fastest trade wind from the industrial East to the All-Consuming West.  That means it’s a natural stopping point for literally millions of megatonnes of shipping.  When that kind of dinero is going in and out of your front door every day, some of it is bound to sit down and stay awhile.  This analysis is a no-brainer — as long as you know where Singapore sits in the world.  However, without this tidy little tidbit, even Google can’t tell you why an insignificant city state the size of Philadelphia can cough in Asia and people in Rotterdam, Antwerp and Hamburg get a cold.

Here’s the deal.  In this world, there are two kind of stupid people, and even though they might look like there light yearsstupid3 apart in education, income, social status or what have you, they are essentially the same person.  First, there are the folks who believe that because they know who wrote Candide, they’re qualified to spout philosophy.  Then there are the other folks who’ve never heard of Francois-Marie Arouet but spout philosophy anyway.  Group A thinks that learning inherently makes them smart and Group B thinks they’re innately smart and don’t need to learn anything.  However, talk to anyone in either group and the conversation is the same.

Basically, it works like this: whereas you can know stuff without being smart, you can`t be smart without knowing stuff.

And if they’d just teach that in high school we’d all be better off come election time and at dinner parties.