The Future

Nostradamus made a career out of predicting the future, so how hard can it be?  All you really have to do is take a look at the crap that’s going on today and multiply it by the stupidity factor.  Let me demonstrate:

News from the not-so-distant future (cue the news desk with the sensible blonde and the older guy looking serious.)

Our top story.  A cute cat video is going viral on the Internet.  It’s reported that today’s cat is 50% cuter than yesterday’s cat and totally cuter than that stupid puppy who was trying to go down the stairs.  Puppy people have sworn to strike back with a series of beagles in funny hats and a dancing bulldog.

A topless protest by PETA supporters has targeted the National Football League by simultaneously staging demonstrations in Chicago, Philadelphia, Miami, Baltimore, Denver, Detroit, Indianapolis, Phoenix, Atlanta, Jacksonville, St Louis and Charlotte, North Carolina.  A number of fully clothed, has-been celebrity spokespeople maintain that boobs raise awareness of the NFL’s systemic and ongoing insensitivity and offensive Species Appropriation.  “We’re speaking for the eagles and dolphins who cannot speak for themselves,” said one slightly familiar celeb, “And we know exactly what these voiceless creatures want to say.”

In a slightly related story, lawyers from a shadowy group of Somalis are suing the city of Pittsburgh for copyright and trademark infringement. Documents filed in District Court state that piracy is a long and noble tradition in Somalia (which existed long before Pittsburgh had a Major League Baseball franchise.)  The suit also names the owners and management of the Pittsburgh Pirates as profiting from the illegal use of the name.  No one was available for comment because most people in Pennsylvania were saying WTF and the Somalis were “on the high seas.”

In other news, the Kardashian sisters woke up this morning and went to the toilet.  No video is available but fans all over the world are tweeting, “OMG, they’re just like us! #peeperfect.”

The National Weather Service is issuing yet another Temperature Awareness Warning.  Today’s temperature will not be a perfect 22 degrees (72 Fahrenheit.)  It will start out cooler in the morning and rise to 25 (77 Fahrenheit) in the afternoon.  We recommend viewers wear a sweater or light jacket in the morning and take it off when they begin to feel warm in the afternoon.  This ongoing weather pattern is caused by a seasonal condition called “Late Summer.”

And finally, in international news, University of Chicago researchers have discovered that nearly everybody in the world hates us.  They think we’re a bunch of under-educated, over-privileged dicks, so bloated on mindless entertainment it’s no wonder our society is crumbling.  In a totally unrelated story, illegal immigration to the Industrial West is skyrocketing.

We live in a funny old world — don’t we?

What The Hell Is “Abnormal Bleeding?”

One of the reasons our society is going to Hell in a handcart is we have no idea what we’re saying anymore.  We’re screwing up the beauty of the English language so badly it’s a wonder it doesn’t ask us for a divorce.

“I’m fed up with you treating me like gibberish.  Get out!  And I’m taking custody of all the words.”

This isn’t just a minor misunderstanding over a few stupid things like Jumbo Shrimp or Military Intelligence.  This is serious.  There are some irreconcilable differences between us and the language we love.  Here are a few examples:

one day at a time – Think about this.  That’s the way they come.  Announcing to the world that you’re taking things “one day at a time” violates Einstein’s 3rd Law of You’re a Dumb Ass.  Are there people in this world who take things TWO days at a time?

bad luck – If your luck is bad, by definition, it isn’t luck anymore.  Finding a bag of money is lucky.  Getting hit by a car as you pick it up is not a different kind of luck.  Luck does not come in alternative forms.  You’re lucky or…

sex addict – There is no such thing.  We’re genetically programmed to want sex; that’s why there are more than 7 billion of us crawling around this planet.  Mother Nature gave us sexual desire so we would thrive as a species and have fun doing it.  Jerks like Tiger Woods are just trying to weasel (no offence, weasels) out of bad marital problems, and they think people believe this “sex addict” crap.

homophobia – First of all, a “phobia” or abnormal fear of gay people is not an illness.  Lifestyle or pharmaceuticals aren’t going to make you better.  Secondly, if homophobes think in stereotypes, what are they afraid of:  Nice shoes?  Designer dogs?  Square dancing?  Here’s the deal: homophobes don’t have a psychological disorder; they’re assholes.

fresh raisins – We need to remember raisins started out as grapes — a long time ago.

suicide bomber – The person with the bomb might very well be committing suicide, but the rest of the folks within shrapnel range simply aren’t.  The last time I looked, suicide was not an involuntary activity.  If you’re standing around waiting for a bus and suddenly you get your insides blown out, suicide has nothing to do with it: you’ve just been murdered.

And the list goes on from “light pollution” to “crash landing” (let that one sink in!) and if we don’t fix it soon, we might just as well jabber away at each other in Emoticons.

Stop The “Relationship”

One of the reasons I hate “relationships” is people are beginning to think they’re the natural order of things.  They’re not.  Antony was not in a “relationship” with Cleopatra; he was in love with her.  D’uh!  Unfortunately, in the 21st century, a lot of people think love is some kind of an emotional unicorn. (Everybody knows what it looks like, but nobody’s actually seen it.)  So, rather than taking a chance on a nasty kick in the heart, we’ve replaced the whole messy business of love with the “relationship” — a muddy little word that can mean just about anything.  This guarantees that nobody has too big an emotional stake in a very emotional game.  The problem is, however, once you’ve signed a pre-nuptial agreement on your feelings, most “relationships” last a lot longer than your emotional commitment to them — with disastrous results.  Here are a few ways an overdue “relationship” can suck the life out of you.

I’m A Coward — This is when two people stay together because — well — because.  Nobody wants to end up sitting alone on a park bench, feeding the pigeons.  However, staying together just to avoid that is something science calls inertia, and once that sets in, you’re already halfway to that bench.

Revenge — This is simple: “You’re not the person you told me you were, and I’ve wasted a lot of time on you. So now I’m going to make you just as miserable as I am.”

Emotional Paintball — This is the relationship that’s nothing more than a low-level firefight.  These people spend their days sniping at each other and setting up elaborate emotional ambushes.  They do it for the drama ’cause there’s nothing else there.

What About The Stuff? — These are the people who stay together because of the house, the cars and all the other crap they’ve accumulated.

What Will The Neighbours Think? — This is the couple who are always looking over their shoulders ’cause they believe everyone is so-o-o interested in them.  They don’t actually like each other anymore, but their collective egos won’t let them split up.

The Children — Worst reason ever!  Passing your dysfunctional lives on to the next generation is just child abuse.

Sex — Here’s the deal.  Eventually, gravity and Mother Nature are going to come calling, and you’re not going to look all that good naked, anymore. ( Just sayin’!)

And that, folks, is why you’re better off believing in love.