Letter to the Passport Office

Although I just got this letter it’s been running around the Internet for some time now.  Normally, I don’t pass on e-mails but this one is too hilarious to miss.  It styles itself as real — it’s not (since I received it I’ve seen a couple of different versions.)  I’ve updated it a bit and cleaned up some of the language but aside from that it’s exactly as it came to me.  If you’ve ever filled out a government form you’ll love it.  Enjoy!

Dear Mr. Minister,
I’m in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.
How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a TV cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.
For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?
You have my birth date on my social insurance card, and it is on all the income tax forms I’ve filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver’s license, on the last eight goddamn passports I’ve had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I’ve had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother’s name is Maryanne, my father’s name is Robert and I’d be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!
I apologize, Mr. Minister. I’m really pissed off this morning. Between you an’ me, I’ve had enough of this bull! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my freakin’ address. What is going on?  Do you have a gang of Neanderthals workin’ there?
Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Edward Snowden? I don’t want to destroy Western Civilization for God sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach in the sun.
And would someone please tell me, why would you care whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I’d sure as hell not want to tell anyone!
Well, I have to go now, ’cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60 !!!
Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??
Nooooo, that’d be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You’d rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find somebody to confirm that it’s really me on the goddamn picture – you know, the one where we’re not allowed to smile?!
Morons!
Hey, you know why we can’t smile? We’re totally pissed off!
Signed – An Irate Canadian Citizen.
P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it’s me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 when one of my forefathers took up arms against the Americans. I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang.
I was aide de camp to the lieutenant governor of our province for ten years and I have been doing volunteer work for the RCMP for about five years.
However, I have to get someone to verify who I am – you know, someone like my next door neighbour, Mr. Park, who was born and raised in the South Korea.