I’M AN ENGLISH MAJOR!

I wrote most of this two years ago and I can’t believe I’ve got to say it all again.

This week, I had another run-in with techies.  I realize they’re the high priests of contemporary society, Steve Jobs is the Messiah and if I don’t click the binary stations of the cross in the correct sequence, I’ll never get to heaven.  Big wow!  I’m a cyber-atheist.  For my money, I can wipe out your entire pseudo religion with a pencil and a piece of paper, so don’t get all high and mighty with me.  Look, you know-it-all nerds, I’ve had it with your oh-so-superior attitude.  I’m an English Major and I can do pompous ass better than you ever thought of.  (Yeah, that’s a preposition at the end of a sentence.  What are you going to do about it, tough guy?)  Just to set the record straight — English Majors were arrogant dicks centuries before you geeks ever had a squad.  We were looking down our noses at regular folk when technology was still a quill pen.  And as far as we’re concerned, you jerks are just digital messenger boys for our ironic mixed metaphors and satirical similes.  So, know your role and shut your mouth.

And never forget, back in high school, while you were playing Space Invaders and having auto-erotic experiences with the Yearbook cheerleaders, I was in the only guy in the Poetry Club. (Do the math!)