People Lie!

People lie.  It’s as natural as breathing.  Sometimes we do it for a good reason, but mostly we do it just because we can.  Here are a few examples:

At the dentist:
What they say — “You might feel a little discomfort.”
What they mean — “Welcome to Doctor Mengele’s Emporium of Pee-Your-Pants Pain.”

At the gynecologist:
What they say — “Just relax and let’s take a look.”
What they mean — “Brace yourself, honey. We’re on a quest to find the source of the Nile.”

When you ask directions in a strange city:
What they say — “You can’t miss it.”
What they mean — “I have no idea what you’re looking for, but I know most of the stuff in town is over there — somewhere.”

At a dinner party:
What they say — “I tried something new.”
What they mean — “Your food is going to taste like socks.”

Talking to the computer salesperson:
What they say — “It’s got 8.00 GB usable 64 – bit OS and 1.60 GHz.”
What they mean — “You’re so stupid I could sell you a dead donkey if it had an Apple logo on it.”

At the grocery store:
What they say — “Organic.”
What they mean — “Twice the price and half the taste.”

Internet Travel Advertisements:
What they say — “Hawaii! Airfare from $299”
What they mean — “Hi!  We’re just here fishing for idiots.”

Internet Travel Sites:
What they say — “Hawaii, airfare from $299”
What they mean — “Caught one!”

At family gatherings:
What they say — “It’ll be fun.”
What they mean — “Come on over.  The uncles are going to fight with each other and their kids are going to act like a troupe of deranged orangutans.”

Telephoning the Government:
What they say — “Your call is important to us.”
What they mean — “The department you want is playing Candy Crush right now, but how about a 3 hour rendition of Wagner’s Ring Cycle for flute and bassoon?”

Talking with friends:
What they say — “We’ve been friends for a long time.”
What they mean — “I want to borrow money.”

Arguing with friends:
What they say — “Let’s agree to disagree.”
What they mean — “I can’t believe I’m friends with you — you moron.”

Talking with friends of friends:
What they say — “Yeah, I’ve known him since high school.”
What they mean — “I’m a way better friend than you are.”

Arguing with anybody:
What they say — “That’s racist.”
What they mean — “Wow!  What a logical and concise argument.  This conversation is over.”

Talking with the boyfriend:
What they say — “Hey, love!  What ya thinkin’?”
What they mean — “Any chance of getting laid?”

Talking with the husband:
What they say — “Hey, love! What ya thinkin’?”
What they mean — “Any chance of a sandwich?”

Talking with the girlfriend:
What they say — “Does this dress make me look fat?”
What they mean — “It better not, or the only thing you’re going to be touching after the party is yourself.”

Talking with the wife:
What they say — “This dress makes me look fat.”
What they mean — “I gave up Andrew, that drop-dead-handsome lawyer for you. The least you can do is have the decency to lie to me.”