WD Fyfe

A Sideways Glare at Contemporary Society

The Secrets Of Life

lifeLife does not come with a set of instructions.  Around the time we learn to crawl, we’re taught what bites, what burns, what tickles and which farts just can’t be trusted — but after that, it’s all on-the-job training with live ammunition.  Unfortunately, without any guidelines we really never know how we’re doing.  Essentially, if life were a parlour game, we’d have no way to keep score or even know where we are on the board.  C’est le vie!

There are, however, a few tricks one learns along the way.  Since I’m a good guy who’s been wandering this world for a few years now, I’m going to pass a random sample along to you.  They’re in no particular order — because if I actually knew what was important in life, I’d write the book.

1 — A low-cut sweater will fix a bad hair day.

2 — Nobody is ever going to love you the way women in yogurt commercials love yogurt; get over it.

3 — You know you’re fat when people start saying “Have you lost weight?” Nobody ever says that to people who don’t need to.

4 —  After high school you’re never going to use algebra again — ever.

5 — You know the relationship isn’t love when, during sex, you fantasize that your partner is someone else and, after sex, you fantasize you are.

6 — You’ve  become an adult when your towels match.

7 — Eventually, every parent secretly eats a candy bar in the car, or the closet, or just around the corner so they don’t have to share it with their kids.  (So you aren’t a selfish bastard, after all.)

8 — You know you’re old when younger people talk to you in that tone of voice we all reserve for children and pets.

9 — Later on in life, nobody but you is going to give a rat’s ass how hot you were in college, so you might as well take the four years and actually study.

10 — If you’re over 26 and your job still involves extra pickles, no mayo and paper cups, you’re doing something wrong.

11 — The biggest lie you’re ever going to tell yourself is “I’ll remember that.”

12 — You know you’re rich when you don’t have to look at the prices on a menu.  You know you’re wealthy when you can do that at the car dealership.

13 — The difference between tragic hero/heroine and perpetual loser is five years.

14 — As you get older, Christmas comes faster and faster every year.

And finally:

15 — The real secret to a happy and successful life is comfortable underwear.  But you need to have enough money to afford it and the good sense to buy it.

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4 comments on “The Secrets Of Life

  1. John
    July 15, 2016

    These are spot on. If you could ramble on for 20 pages or so about each one, you’d have a 15 chapter book. Self-help books are usually thinner, so 15 pages per chapter may do the trick!

    • wdfyfe
      July 15, 2016

      15 pages on algebra might be a challenge but… I’ve done worse. cheers

  2. Claudette
    July 15, 2016

    7 and 11 are so true – but 15 is the gem! 🙂

  3. Amit Prasad
    July 17, 2016

    This is some weird stuff….check it out.

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This entry was posted on July 15, 2016 by in Humor, Humour and tagged , , .
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