Life does not come with a set of instructions. Around the time we learn to crawl, we’re taught what bites, what burns, what tickles and which farts just can’t be trusted — but after that, it’s all on-the-job training with live ammunition. Unfortunately, without any guidelines we really never know how we’re doing. Essentially, if life were a parlour game, we’d have no way to keep score or even know where we are on the board. C’est le vie!
There are, however, a few tricks one learns along the way. Since I’m a good guy who’s been wandering this world for a few years now, I’m going to pass a random sample along to you. They’re in no particular order — because if I actually knew what was important in life, I’d write the book.
1 — A low-cut sweater will fix a bad hair day.
2 — Nobody is ever going to love you the way women in yogurt commercials love yogurt; get over it.
3 — You know you’re fat when people start saying “Have you lost weight?” Nobody ever says that to people who don’t need to.
4 — After high school you’re never going to use algebra again — ever.
5 — You know the relationship isn’t love when, during sex, you fantasize that your partner is someone else and, after sex, you fantasize you are.
6 — You’ve become an adult when your towels match.
7 — Eventually, every parent secretly eats a candy bar in the car, or the closet, or just around the corner so they don’t have to share it with their kids. (So you aren’t a selfish bastard, after all.)
8 — You know you’re old when younger people talk to you in that tone of voice we all reserve for children and pets.
9 — Later on in life, nobody but you is going to give a rat’s ass how hot you were in college, so you might as well take the four years and actually study.
10 — If you’re over 26 and your job still involves extra pickles, no mayo and paper cups, you’re doing something wrong.
11 — The biggest lie you’re ever going to tell yourself is “I’ll remember that.”
12 — You know you’re rich when you don’t have to look at the prices on a menu. You know you’re wealthy when you can do that at the car dealership.
13 — The difference between tragic hero/heroine and perpetual loser is five years.
14 — As you get older, Christmas comes faster and faster every year.
15 — The real secret to a happy and successful life is comfortable underwear. But you need to have enough money to afford it and the good sense to buy it.