Tag: life lessons

NEVER!!

It’s an unfortunate symptom of the 21st century, but people have “relationships.” God, I hate that word!  Personally, I think being too chicken for la petite folie de l’amour is one of the biggest problems in our world, but who am I to judge?  So, in keeping with these troubled times, here are 4 things you should never — NEVER — do when you are in a “relationship.”  (FYI, this goes double if you actually have the good sense to be in love!)

1 — When you’re on vacation with your girlfriend, NEVER kneel down to tie your shoes.  Seriously, you’re better off tripping on the laces and breaking your neck.  Think about it — weekend getaway, dinner for two, bottle of wine, starry night (maybe a moon) — you’re walking back to the hotel and you say, “Just a minute, honey,” and get down on one knee.  Partner, you better have at least two carats hiding in your sock (and not orange ones, either) or you just pulled the biggest dick-move in history and she will brand you with it for life.  And, BTW, if you do this in Paris, stand up, turn around, walk briskly to the Seine and throw yourself in.

2 — NEVER answer the question, “Do these jeans make me look fat?  You’re in a lose/lose situation, friend.  She’s already doing the over the shoulder ass-check in the mirror (not the best angle) and has decided they do — or she wouldn’t ask.  So, you can say no and she’ll hear you lying to her (whether you are or not) and somehow conclude she can never believe you again.  Or you can say yes and she will hear that you’ve just declared, before God and everybody, that you think she’s a two-legged Hungry-Hungry-Hippo.  The choice is yours, but I’d poke my eyes out with a pencil before I’d get trapped into that one.

3 — NEVER, under any circumstances (even if they hold a gun to your head) admit you think another living, breathing human being is hot.  This includes your brother-in-law, your attorney, the garbage man, Zac Efron, Batman, Mr. Johal (your son’s math teacher) Freddie from 6th grade and Susan Horstnagel (the blonde chick from Accounting.)  No good will come of this.  This kind of information will turn even the most caring/sharing metro-sexual male into Cro-Magnon man. It will ignite a low-level testosterone conflict (“pissin’ contest” is so crude) between your guy and every man you’ve ever met.  Plus, poor Ms. Horstnagel will take centre stage on some deep-dish fantasies that used to be reserved for the pages of Penthouse Letters.

4 — NEVER get the name wrong during sex.  NEVER!

Stuff I Learned From Literature – Again

People don’t read much anymore.  The once glorious novel has been left to gather dust while we play videogames and watch Netflix.  I’m as guilty as the next person so I’m not pointing fingers, but I still think it’s a shame.  After all, most of what I know about the world comes from reading fiction.  Here is just some of the stuff I’ve learned from literature.

Never, under any circumstances, give pigs any power.
Animal Farm

Never volunteer for anything.
The Hunger Games

If you think your lover has committed suicide, get a qualified second opinion before you proceed.
Romeo and Juliet

If you’re going to invade Russia, make sure you bring back-up.
War and Peace

Don’t be fooled by contemporary propaganda, children are savages.
Lord of the Flies

Contrary to popular belief, family isn’t always all it’s cracked up to be.
Kidnapped

If you live in Wessex, England you’re pretty much screwed.
Anything by Thomas Hardy

It’s not a good idea to party with aristocrats from Transylvania – especially after dark.
Dracula

Be nice to the French.  They tend to hold a grudge.
The Count of Monte Cristo

Don’t drink and drive.
The Great Gatsby

Whatever you do, stay away from Southwest Texas.
No Country for Old Men

Female teachers with Scottish accents are dangerous.
The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie

Sometimes, finding Nemo is not necessarily a good thing.
20,000 Leagues under the Sea

Expect the unexpected.
The Collected Works of O. Henry

On closer examination the meat packing industry is not as glamorous as one would think.
The Jungle

Never hunt whales.  It will always end badly.
Moby Dick

If you find yourself in the woods with a talking rabbit … go home, you’re stoned.
Alice in Wonderland

And finally:

Make digital copies of your books just in case we all go crazy in the next couple of years.
Fahrenheit 451

Stuff I Know

When you’ve travelled around the sun as many times as I have, you get a feeling for the universe and how things work.  It’s mostly a series of experiments (successful and otherwise) that lead to experience.  (Which is simply years of watching certain experiments go bust.)  The result, however, is an unfailing intuition – sort of an informed insight.  Basically, you know what’s actually going on — even though it seems as if everybody around you is caught up in something completely different.  Here are a few examples.

The world is always in a mess – The natural state of our planet is agitation.  There’s always somebody trying to be a dick to the rest of us.  (I’m looking at you, Vladimir.)  The problem is we tend to think this is the first and worst time it’s ever happened.  Nope!  It’s been going on since Lucy went for a walk in Ethiopia, 3 million years ago — so get used to it. 

There’s always a group of people who think they have the inside track to Enlightenment – Over the years, we’ve called them Puritans, Victorians, Christians, Communists, The Taliban, Jehovah’s Witnesses and, most recently, “Woke” – but their message is always the same: “We don’t give a shit about the truth: do it our way.”

You can’t legislate an idea – No matter how many times you make it illegal, people are still going to love and hate who they want to.  They’re going to get angry, cry, lie, cheat and probably eat too much when the opportunity presents itself.  Fundamentally, humans are governed by the laws of Mother Nature, not the wet dreams of lawyers.  Elected officials, tyrants and kings need to concentrate on the structure of society — not restructuring its soul.

And speaking of which:

This, too, shall pass – I remember a time when LSD was legal and being gay was a prison sentence.  Go figure!  But every generation (including mine) believes they have finally reached the pinnacle of human understanding and THEIR values will last until the end of – well – the end of everything.  Guess again!  Two hundred years ago, humans had no idea that dinosaurs, vitamins and germs existed.  Take a minute to imagine what we’ll know two hundred years from now!  Now, take another minute to realize what kind of beetle-browed barbarians we really are.

And finally:

Like it or not — the true road to enlightenment is warm socks, good sex and comfortable underwear.