The Two Cow Theory Of Economics

cows-5Apparently, the Two Cow Theory Of Economics has been running around Cyperspace for years.  Who knew?  I just found it, which shows I’m so far out of the loop I think it’s square.  Anyway, I don’t normally post stuff that isn’t mine on my blog — especially when I can’t give the author credit — but this is so hilarious I’ve made an exception.  Plus, I’ve added a few WDisms, so I don’t feel too guilty.  Anyway, The Two Cow Theory of Economics

Communism — You have two cows.  The state takes both of them and gives you some milk.

Socialism — You have two cows.  The state takes both of them, gives one back and gives one to your neighbour who, like you, had two cows until the state took both of them gave one back and gave the other one to his neighbour — who, like you, had two cows until the state ….

Fascism — You have two cows.  The state takes both of them and sells you some milk.

Nazism — You have two cows.  The state takes both of them for war production and shoots you for withholding cows.

Bureaucratism — You have two cows.  The state takes both of them, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.

Capitalism — You have two cows.  You sell one cow and buy a bull.  Your herd grows.  You start selling milk.  You buy more cows.  You build a dairy.  You sell more milk.  You buy more cows.  You spend so much time with cows and milk your wife divorces you, takes the kids and moves in with a vegetarian.  You end up with a trophy wife who’s in it for the money, an ulcer the size of Boston and a therapist who tells you, “You were happier when you only had two cows.”

Venture Capitalism — You have two cows.  You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank.  You execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so you can get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.  The milk rights of the six cows are transferred (via an intermediary) to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by a majority shareholder (you) who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your publicly-listed company.  Your annual report says the company now owns eight cows with an option to buy one more.

A French Corporation — You have two cows.  The state pays you twice as much as the milk is worth.  You go on strike, organize a riot and block the roads — because you want three cows.

An Italian Corporation — You have two cows.  You don’t know where they are.  You decide to have lunch.

A Swiss Corporation — You have 5,000 cows.  None of them belongs to you.  You charge the real owners megabucks to hide their cows for them.

An American Corporation — You have two cows.  You sell both of them to buy a 4-wheel drive, Japanese-made pickup truck.  You get totally pissed because you have to buy all your milk from a foreign country.  You hire an Agricultural Consultant to figure out why there are no jobs in the dairy industry.

An Indian Corporation — You are the reincarnation of a cow.

An Irish Corporation — You have two cows.  One of them is a horse.  The EU lends you enough money to buy another cow.  You bet it on the horse.

A George Orwell Corporation — You have two humans.

An Australian Corporation — You have two cows.  Business looks good, so you close the office for a month or two and backpack through Europe.

A Dutch Corporation — You have two cows.  However, you’re not allowed to make cheese or sell your milk because the EU doesn’t like the look of your barn.

An Iraqi Corporation — Everybody thinks you have a lot of cows.  You tell them that you don’t have any cows.  Nobody believes you and they bomb the crap out of you.  You still don’t have any cows.

A Cuban Corporation — Cows?

A British Corporation — You have two cows.  Unfortunately, half your cows are continually voting to leave the herd.

A Greek Corporation — French and German banks loan you two cows.  You eat them.  The banks call to collect the milk you promised, but you don’t have any so you call the IMF.  The IMF loans you two cows.  You eat them.  Everybody wants either the milk you promised or their cows back.  You don’t answer the telephone ’cause you’re at a wedding.

A North Korean Corporation — The Glorious Leader has all the cows.  He invented them.

And my very favourite:

A Chinese Corporation — You have two cows.  You have 300 people milking them.  You claim China has no unemployment and 100% bovine productivity.  You arrest all the journalists who live close to the farm.

John Glenn And The Big Idea (2016)

john-glennJohn Glenn died yesterday.  For my generation, he was one of the good guys.  He exemplified a lot of what we’ve forgotten about the 60s.  I wrote this in 2012 on the 50th anniversary of John Glenn’s space flight.  It is still relevant today.  (I’ve edited it for brevity.)

 

Fifty years ago today, we took a guy from Ohio, sat him on top of 100,000 kilos of high octane fuel, lit the match and shot him straight out of our oxygen-rich atmosphere into the void of space.  And the only reason we did it is because we could.  We had the technology to throw man and machine off our planet entirely — so we did.  John Glenn didn’t have to put his polyester suit and plastic helmet on that morning and climb into Friendship 7.  He wasn’t an essential component of the mission.  In fact, he was actually considered extra weight by Von Braun’s aeronautical engineers.  He was, as Chuck Yeager called him, “spam in a can.”  Nor was he the ground-breaking first person in space: Soviet cosmonaut, Yuri Gagarin beat him there by ten months.  He wasn’t even the first American: Alan Shepard and “Gus” Grissom got there first.  However, John Glenn is the one we remember because he was part of the Big Idea.

The Big Idea is that magical phenom that galvanizes a people and motivates them to reach for the stars – in this case, literally.  It grabs our imagination and brings our best qualities forward to achieve what might even seem to be impossible.  It’s a vision of a better future.  It ignites the human spirit.  It can be as simple as The March of Dimes to end polio or as large as the Interstate Highway system.  But the one common denominator of the Big Idea is people believe.

Six months after John Glenn orbited the earth and returned home safely, President John Kennedy stepped up to the podium at Rice University in Houston, Texas and told America what the Big Idea was.  He said:

“There is no strife, no prejudice, no national conflict in outer space as yet.  Its hazards are hostile to us all. Its conquest deserves the best of all mankind, and its opportunity for peaceful cooperation many never come again. But why, some say, the moon? Why choose this as our goal? And they may well ask why climb the highest mountain?  Why, 35 years ago, fly the Atlantic?  Why does Rice play Texas?
We choose to go to the moon.  We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one we intend to win, and the others, too”

Kennedy could have held a Washington, DC press conference and mambled on about committing billions of dollars to rocketry, computer technology, material fabrication and the exploration of space, but he didn`t.  He went to a university where his future technicians would come from and said, “Hey! What are you doin’ after graduation?  Wanna go to the moon?”  He told those bright-eyed kids that they could be the first generation to defy the laws of gravity set down by Sir Isaac Newton in the 17th century.  He told them they could slip the surly bonds of earth and follow Copernicus and Galileo into history.  He turned their faces to the shiny thing in the sky that has fascinated humans since the beginning of time and told them they can go there.  And he told them their studies, their work, their very lives had a purpose, a meaning, a fulfillment.  He gave them the Big Idea that they could do something larger than themselves.  They could make a contribution, however small, to the continuity of civilization. He gave them a tangible target and said go get it.

And the Big Idea caught fire.  For seven years those kids and others worked long hours, suffered setbacks, had triumphs, dug in hard and gave their creativity and time to every problem and their enthusiasm and energy to every solution.  They built one of the most complex systems in history, and in July, 1969, they took another guy from Ohio and put him on the Moon.  And they walked away proud of their accomplishment in a world that was better off because of what they’d done.

Fifty years ago today, John Glenn made a giant leap into space.  He did it because somebody had to.  He was one small step on the stairway to the stars, a single part of the Big Idea that said “We can do this.”

Half a century later, even though we can live in space now and send our machines to Mars and the outer reaches of our solar system, we still have staircases in our world.  They lead to hungry places, places without light, places where people suffer needlessly in a world of plenty.  Sometimes, it looks as though these are insurmountable problems that will plague humanity for all time.  They aren’t.  There are still Big Ideas in the world; we’ve just forgotten where to look for them.

I Need A Montage

montageHere it is December 6th, and I haven’t even thought about … OMG!  there are only 19 more Panic Days ’til Christmas.  What the hell?  I haven’t got rid of the Thanksgiving waistline, and now there’s another turkey looming on the horizon.  This happens every year: leftover Hallowe’en candy mutates into Thanksgiving pie that turns into Christmas cookies that become boxes of Valentine’s Day bonbons which morph into gigantic, solid chocolate Easter bunnies — and it’s July 17th before I can see my toes again.  Merciful Jesus, sew my mouth shut!

And it’s not just my jeans screaming for mercy.  It’s almost the end of the year, and I haven’t fixed the kitchen fan, the living room light or the bedroom window screen.  My desk looks like Attila the Hun has established a colony, and if I don’t clean my car soon, the Department of Health is going to put a padlock on it if — big if — the Department of Safety even allows them in!  I’m never going to get a tree, deck the halls, find the perfect present, string the lights, attend the parties, suffer the hangovers and get anything wrapped in time…. The whole world sucks and I hate everything.

I need a montage.  I need that movie device that compresses time so guys like me and Rocky Balboa can quit whining, chisel our abs, finally get a few things done and go out and kick Mr. T’s ass — once and for all.

Movies have had montages since Soviet filmmaker Sergei Eisenstein developed the technique over 100 years ago.  You would think by now some smart Silicon Valley type would have invented one for real life.  Just imagine cramming six months of relentless, laser-focused work into 3 and a half minutes of an “Eye of the Tiger” video.  I don’t know about you, but I’d pay folding money for that little puppy.  And wouldn’t it be cool?  Want to lose weight?  Get a montage.  Learn a language?  Montage.  Write a novel?  Build that kickass social network?  Organize the photos from Italy?  Montage, MONTAGE, MONTAGE!  Just think about it.  You could do the crap work before breakfast and all the cool stuff lying by the pool in the afternoon.

Wait a minute!  Earth to WD!

Unfortunately, we live in barbarous times, and all those Google fools can think about is automatic cars.  Hey, folks! I know how to drive; what I need is pants that fit.  Find me an app for that, Google, and I’ll put you back on my Christmas list.