Unfortunate Men’s Fashion

silhouette-1517089_1280I remember when men’s fashion consisted of the colour of  your shirt, the width of your lapel and the size of your tie.  We’ve come a long way since those heady days when nobody gave a damn  what men looked like.  These days, men are breaking out of their no-style strait-jackets and showing the world just how ridiculous they can look — given half a chance.  Here are some examples of male fashion statements in the 21st century.

Bush Baby Beards — Unlike their Old Testament cousins. these neatly trimmed wannabes are the fashion of a man who desperately wants to be trendy but has minivan payments, a massive mortgage and a job he can’t afford to lose.

Popped collars — Usually found on Lacoste Shirts (those three-button alligator abominations.) They’re the international symbol for “My father’s a lawyer, and now I’m a lawyer, too.”

Half Zippered Polar Fleece — Nothing says Suburban Dad like half zippered polar fleece.

Faux Hawk Hair — For the man who doesn’t have the stones to go full Mohawk.

Tattoos (neck, face or armband) — You think you look like a badass. Guess again!  You look like your IQ and your fashion sense are permanently stuck in the 80s.

Backwards (or sideways) Baseball Hats — The universal style of the heterosexual man who hasn’t quite figured out why women tend to avoid him.

Flip Flops — Except for the beach, the gym and Walmart, grown men wear shoes.  They just do.

Skinny Jeans — No room for your keys, your phone or your genitalia.  No wonder so few hipsters have kids.

Plaid Shirts — Hey, buddy!  You’re not a lumberjack.  You’re a waiter from Queens.

Corn Rows — Normally found on a young man who’s just returned from a Mexican vacation.  His girlfriend thought it would look cute, and he thought he’d get laid.  (They were both wrong.)

Ear Gauge — These tell the world you’ve worked at Starbucks for so long you’re finally on the day shift.

The Man Bun — Just sad.  Really, really sad.

Beanie Caps — Lost your comb, your shampoo and your dignity?  No problem!

Zany Socks — Unless you’re a Dot Com millionaire, a tenured Art History professor or terminally English, zany socks do not make you any more interesting than you already aren’t.

And finally:

The Gangsta Hoodie — If you’re over thirty and still wearing the gangsta hoodie, you need to take a look at your life.  Seriously, something‘s not working.

4 thoughts on “Unfortunate Men’s Fashion

  1. The backwards baseball cap has always confused me. Who started that? And WHY?
    True story: I once attended a wedding, an elegant affair, where the groom wore a backwards baseball cap. It was white to match the tux. He wore it in every single photo. Looked like an idiot.
    They’re still married, which just goes to show women will put up with just about anything.

    1. i don’t know where the backwards baseball hat came from but it was the canary in the mine shaft. Since then men’s fashion has gone from bad to worse. I only looked at the tip of the iceberg for ridiculous.

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