A Sideways Glare at Contemporary Society
I remember when men’s fashion consisted of the colour of your shirt, the width of your lapel and the size of your tie. We’ve come a long way since those heady days when nobody gave a damn what men looked like. These days, men are breaking out of their no-style strait-jackets and showing the world just how ridiculous they can look — given half a chance. Here are some examples of male fashion statements in the 21st century.
Bush Baby Beards — Unlike their Old Testament cousins. these neatly trimmed wannabes are the fashion of a man who desperately wants to be trendy but has minivan payments, a massive mortgage and a job he can’t afford to lose.
Popped collars — Usually found on Lacoste Shirts (those three-button alligator abominations.) They’re the international symbol for “My father’s a lawyer, and now I’m a lawyer, too.”
Half Zippered Polar Fleece — Nothing says Suburban Dad like half zippered polar fleece.
Faux Hawk Hair — For the man who doesn’t have the stones to go full Mohawk.
Tattoos (neck, face or armband) — You think you look like a badass. Guess again! You look like your IQ and your fashion sense are permanently stuck in the 80s.
Backwards (or sideways) Baseball Hats — The universal style of the heterosexual man who hasn’t quite figured out why women tend to avoid him.
Flip Flops — Except for the beach, the gym and Walmart, grown men wear shoes. They just do.
Skinny Jeans — No room for your keys, your phone or your genitalia. No wonder so few hipsters have kids.
Plaid Shirts — Hey, buddy! You’re not a lumberjack. You’re a waiter from Queens.
Corn Rows — Normally found on a young man who’s just returned from a Mexican vacation. His girlfriend thought it would look cute, and he thought he’d get laid. (They were both wrong.)
Ear Gauge — These tell the world you’ve worked at Starbucks for so long you’re finally on the day shift.
The Man Bun — Just sad. Really, really sad.
Beanie Caps — Lost your comb, your shampoo and your dignity? No problem!
Zany Socks — Unless you’re a Dot Com millionaire, a tenured Art History professor or terminally English, zany socks do not make you any more interesting than you already aren’t.
The Gangsta Hoodie — If you’re over thirty and still wearing the gangsta hoodie, you need to take a look at your life. Seriously, something‘s not working.