What’s Your Food Personality?

They say, “You are what you eat” and that’s true.  For example, college students no longer eat junk food and that’s why, these days, they’re always wearing their grumpy pants.  However, it’s not only what we eat that illustrates our personality but also how we eat it.  Once again, people who walk around all day, drinking brand name coffee out of a paper cup, think they look totally cool.  They totally don’t.  The only thing carrying a paper cup tells the world is you’re so woefully disorganized you can’t find 10 minutes to sit down and have a proper cup of coffee.  You see, the way we treat our food offers intriguing insights into who and what we are.  Let me demonstrate:

Mac ‘N Cheese — People who eat mac n’ cheese with a fork are aggressive wannabe predators, hunting their food with a symbolic spear.  People who eat mac n’ cheese with a spoon are lazy and want the most reward for the least amount of effort.  And people who eat mac n’ cheese with their hands are stoned.

Tacos — Tacos are supposed to have hard shells, so people who eat them that way are uninspired lock-step, rigid rule followers.  They usually end up working for a cult.  Conversely, people who eat soft shell tacos are dumb and indecisive.  They’re not sure whether they want a taco or a burrito and probably don’t know the difference.  They usually end up getting recruited by a cult.

White Chocolate — This isn’t chocolate.  It’s a lie.  And the people who eat it are usually just as big a liar as the food itself.

Pizza — There are people who eat pizza with a knife and fork; they’re called Italians.  Anybody else who tries to pull this pompous crap is a hopeless git who “discovered” Italy on the one trip they took to Europe as an undergrad.  Chances are good these know-it-alls haven’t been more than 5 kilometres away from their homes since.

Ketchup on Eggs — This just disgusting.  People who put ketchup on eggs (especially sunny-side-up eggs) usually have bodies buried in the back garden.

And finally:

Breakfast Cereal — If you eat breakfast cereal in the morning — in a bowl, with milk — you’re either an old man living alone in a hovel or you’re six and your parents are idiots.  Real, well-adjusted  people eat breakfast cereal in the middle of the night while binge watching The Bridge or straight out of the box, with red wine, after their hearts have been broken by one of those lying cheating white chocolate eaters.