Keeping Your Resolutions


Here we are, basking in the holy glow of our New Year’s Resolutions.  We haven’t eaten anything but lettuce since the December debauch, we’ve taken the books and jackets off the treadmill (that’s a twofer!) and haven’t whipped out the credit cards for two-and-a-half whole days.  This is going to be easy, right?  WRONG!  Statistically, New Year’s Resolutions have a 99% failure rate, and chances are good by the time it’s bathing suit season, most of us won’t be able to cram ourselves into the damn thing — even if we could afford to buy it.  But it doesn’t have to be that way.

The problem is most of us approach New Year’s Resolutions as if we’re contemplating psychological suicide.  Here’s the deal, folks!  You can’t change your personality by flipping a page on the calendar.  In fact, despite what every self-help shyster on the planet tells you, after about age 25, you can’t change your personality at all.  Which means, if you’re like me and love chocolate, wine and promiscuous procrastination, you’re kinda stuck with it.  So rather than attempting a midnight psychiatric makeover, stop the madness and work with what ya got.  Here’s how to bully your subconscious into doing what it’s told.

Get real – Pull your head out of the clouds (or some other place.)  If you owe enough cash to fund a Monaco casino, getting completely out of debt in 2020 is not a reasonable resolution.  Aim low.  25 percent?  10 percent?  5 bucks a month?  Make sure it works before you start shooting your mouth off in some airy-fairy internal monologue.

Quit being so vague – Thinking, “I wanna lose some weight” is crap.  You know exactly how many kilos are too many: you’ve seen yourself naked.  Say it out loud.  Write it down.  Glue it to the fridge.  Now, remember your momma didn’t raise any saints, so pastry is never going to be off the menu.  Check item #1, and precede with caution.

Nothing happens without a deadline – You’ve known this since grade school and, yeah, you might be feeling all adult these days, but that’s not a Hogwarts’ incantation to self-discipline.  Create a date and put in on every calendar you can get your mitts on – including a telephone countdown.  Without a crash-and-burn deadline, our minds tend to wander.  They need to be slapped into focus.

What’s in it for me – This is where most people screw up because you can’t reward a successful diet with birthday cake or a loan payment with a spending spree.  So, if you’re going to show your inner donkey a carrot, make sure it isn’t the very thing you’ve been trying to get the donkey to avoid in the first place.

All it takes is a little psychological warfare, and next November you could be rockin’ a black Look-At-Me/Look-At-Me Speedo at an exclusively expensive tropical resort of your choice.  That’s what New Year’s Resolutions are for — aren’t they?

5 Types Of People (Plus 1)

peopleIdiots and the Internet are always yipping about how every person on the planet is different and we’re all unique in our own way. What a load of trash!  There are only six types of people in this world.  There might be a lot of combinations and some subtle variations, but in the end, there are really only six.  And they are:

I’m a lover — You never know where you stand with these people.  They love everything!  If you invited them to dinner and serve mud, they say “OMG!  This is the best mud I’ve ever had.  Can you please, please, please give me your recipe?”  These folks are so cheerful you just want to swat them.  And you know — YOU KNOW — they go home at night, wipe that painted smile off their face and throw things at the cat.

I’m a fighter — These are people who are never actually pissed off, but they’re never actually happy, either.  They exist in a kind of twilight zone of irritation.  They’re always pointing out things that bother them — from the guy in the elevator who smelled like fish to the size of Kylie Minogue’s teeth.  They get a lot of traffic tickets — “for no reason” and constantly talk about what they’re going to do to their boss, their neighbours or their in-laws the next time they step out of line.  These people who are always looking for a fight, but they never quite get there.

I have a problem — These are the people who walk the Earth in a state of perpetual difficulty.  They’re constantly being set upon by unusual circumstances and have only one coping mechanism — “I just got screwed!”  When they file their income tax, the paperwork always gets lost.  When they go to the doctor, she can never figure out what’s wrong with them.  There’s usually a vague legal situation looming in the background and some kind of financial problem that never gets fixed.  These folks spend their entire lives “running a little late” because they can’t find their keys, a cab, their phone, their kids, the TV remote or … God, the list just goes on and on and on!

You have a problem — These are the folks who think personal responsibility is something other people need to understand.  They play the Blame Game like it’s an Olympic event — and they’re goin’ for the Gold!  It’s not that they’re never wrong; it’s just that there is always somebody, somewhere, who’s wronger than they are.

I’m smarter than you — There are two kinds of “I’m smarter than you” people.  There are the obvious ones who let you know right away, and then there are the other assholes.  They’re the ones who wait in the weeds until you make a mistake and then leap up and tell you exactly what you should have done and, more importantly, what they would have done if only they’d been in charge.

And finally:

I’m a selfish bastard — Ironically, these are the best people to have as friends, colleagues and romantic partners.  First of all, they hang around because they want to.  Secondly, they have no hidden agenda (selfish bastards!)  Thirdly, by definition you’re never going to be disappointed in them and finally, the biggie: when they do something nice — they actually mean it.

What’s Your Food Personality?

food (2)They say, “You are what you eat” and that’s true.  For example, college students no longer eat junk food and that’s why, these days, they’re always wearing their grumpy pants.  However, it’s not only what we eat that illustrates our personality but also how we eat it.  Once again, people who walk around all day, drinking brand name coffee out of a paper cup, think they look totally cool.  They totally don’t.  The only thing carrying a paper cup tells the world is you’re so woefully disorganized you can’t find 10 minutes to sit down and have a proper cup of coffee.  You see, the way we treat our food offers intriguing insights into who and what we are.  Let me demonstrate:

Mac ‘N Cheese — People who eat mac n’ cheese with a fork are aggressive wannabe predators, hunting their food with a symbolic spear.  People who eat mac n’ cheese with a spoon are lazy and want the most reward for the least amount of effort.  And people who eat mac n’ cheese with their hands are stoned.

Tacos — Tacos are supposed to have hard shells, so people who eat them that way are uninspired lock-step, rigid rule followers.  They usually end up working for a cult.  Conversely, people who eat soft shell tacos are dumb and indecisive.  They’re not sure whether they want a taco or a burrito and probably don’t know the difference.  They usually end up getting recruited by a cult.

White Chocolate — This isn’t chocolate.  It’s a lie.  And the people who eat it are usually just as big a liar as the food itself.

Pizza — There are people who eat pizza with a knife and fork; they’re called Italians.  Anybody else who tries to pull this pompous crap is a hopeless git who “discovered” Italy on the one trip they took to Europe as an undergrad.  Chances are good these know-it-alls haven’t been more than 5 kilometres away from their homes since.

Ketchup on Eggs — This just disgusting.  People who put ketchup on eggs (especially sunny-side-up eggs) usually have bodies buried in the back garden.

And finally:

Breakfast Cereal — If you eat breakfast cereal in the morning — in a bowl, with milk — you’re either an old man living alone in a hovel or you’re six and your parents are idiots.  Real, well-adjusted  people eat breakfast cereal in the middle of the night while binge watching The Bridge or straight out of the box, with red wine, after their hearts have been broken by one of those lying cheating white chocolate eaters.