A Sideways Glare at Contemporary Society
We need some new rules. Let’s face it, folks: we live in childish times. Our opinions are no longer thoughtful and measured but instant and shrill. Our discussions are loud and unruly: our voices are pouty. We whine and complain, and we’re constantly throwing temper tantrums when we don’t get what we want. (Take a peek at Hamburg this week.) In short, we’ve become a bunch of bratty children. So, it’s time we set up a few boundaries. Here are some suggestions: feel free to add to the list.
Like fishing, hunting and driving a car, people must have a license before they’re allowed to use Social Media. They must pass a test that proves they’re actually smarter than a four-year-old before they can have a Facebook, Twitter or Instagram account.
If you’re having a serious political discussion, you cannot refer to President Trump as a “jerk,” an “idiot,” a “moron” or a “dumbass.” It’s been six months of wall-to-wall name calling. We get it. Give it a rest!
Grown men must not wear short pants if they are more than 5 metres away from a beach, a playground, a picnic spot or their own backyard. (Guys, what don’t you understand about “grown man?”)
Baseball caps must be worn the right way round. Look, ya moron! Wearing them backwards actually defeats the whole purpose of the hat.
Old men on loud motorcycles must seek professional help for their penis anxiety.
A baby stroller is not a weapon. Therefore, it cannot be larger, wider, taller or heavier than the mom pushing it. And dads, the mall is not Charlotte Motor Speedway — and neither is the grocery store. Slow down! Your kids are getting wind-burnt.
You can no longer claim to be “spiritual” just because you have a foreign language tattoo. (The only thing you can claim is you have bad taste and too much disposable income.)
“Like,” “Awesome,” “You know” “Totally” and “Amazing” are banned from polite conversation.
The phrase “plus size” is also banned. It’s just a sneaky way of reminding ordinary women they’re not supermodels.
The words “for” and “about” are no longer interchangeable. “I’m embarrassed for it” and “I’m embarrassed about it” are completely different. The first one isn’t even English.
Vegans must wait at least 5 minutes before announcing their status to strangers. This rule does not apply to vegetarians (who normally don’t get all pissy about their culinary habits, anyway.)
If you’ve been in 3 or more movies, you’re no longer allowed to talk about poverty. You’re riding around in a limousine, for God’s sake! What can you possibly tell anybody about being poor? (This goes double if you play a musical instrument for money.)
Professional athletes can no longer be paid more than the GDP of Malta. They’re kicking a ball, not curing cancer. Let’s get some perspective.
From here on, celebrities have to be famous for a reason. (And a photo-shopped picture of your ass on Instagram doesn’t count!)
Actors, actresses, singers and musicians who visit poor countries — for whatever reason — are no longer allowed to bring orphan kids home as souvenirs.