Free Old Man Advice

old man

When I was kid, old people always started their stories with “When I was your age …” and then they’d ramble on for awhile until one of us got bored.  They meant well, like a strange dog licking your face, but, since I had no idea what — uh — life experiences their tongues had been through, wagging them at me about life, love and the logistics of adolescent sex was kinda icky.  Fast forward 50 years, and now I’m the guy telling the stories.  Luckily, these days, young people aren’t forced to be as polite as we were, so most of my tales remain untold, thank God!  However, on occasion I do feel the need to bore the hell out of people with some free old man advice.

Never drink Tequila on an empty stomach.  Unlike most alcohol, tequila is unforgiving, and whereas you’re probably going to do something stupid with whiskey, beer and even red wine, tequila will turn you into the Mad Hatter, escaped from Wonderland.  One time, in a border town called Sierra Vista — well — let’s just say nearby Fort Huachuca is a CIA listening post, and even though they’re awfully busy. sometimes they’re very interested in listening to a loudmouth Canadian.

Don’t waste your breath telling people to “Calm down!”  (Does this ever work?)  Once, through no fault of my own, I made a rude hand gesture to a biker, his girlfriend and his somewhat larger companion.  And believe me, telling them to “calm down” was not as useful as the cops who showed up in the nick of time.

Definitely, sweat the details!  It’s never the big stuff that does you in, but forget one condom (twice) at the Alpha Phi Sorority’s Hayride-Under-The-Stars, and you’re in for four weeks of protracted anxiety.

Unless your doctor has absolutely no sense of humour, never listen to your inner child — ’cause when you try to explain how you burned your private parts with chocolate sauce and get your foot caught in the toaster, it’ll be a lot easier if she doesn’t burst out laughing halfway through.

And that’s the problem with old people telling stories — even though they might offer some sage advice, they’re normally pretty boring.

13 thoughts on “Free Old Man Advice

  1. The best time to listen to old man advice is when yourself is an old man. Must be some sort of relatability thing going on but I enjoy hearing it now. Not boring at all. Almost reminiscent. Better than any of that crap they put in after the 11:00 news. You know, back in my day when we had only 3 channels to pick from and Johnny Carson was king of late night …..

    1. Straight south into the desert until the booze ran out. Back in the day (when sororities weren’t allowed to have alcohol) they used to come up with ingenious ways to party. I believe this was a fund raiser for the Botswana Track Team.

  2. Boring as the advice may be, I would say the surroundings in which you give your advice don’t look boring at all. I’d gladly join you at that table and over a good beer listen to your advice or just have any old chat. BTW I like your green baret.

    1. When I finally get to the Netherlands there are a few people I’d love to have a beer with, yourself included. The beret is a nice touch of fantasy.

  3. I am enjoying being an older woman and having a house full of mysteries for the young children: toys that I say are mine, but they may play with them, closets with dragons, pouring water until it overflows….. and stays secret in my house on chicken feet….

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