We live in a complicated world. There are any number of hairy, scary ooglies out there, trying to do us harm. External germs, internal neuroses, the dolt down the block with his motorcycle — it just never ends. Luckily, I’ve been around for a few decades now, and I’ve discovered that just about anything can be fixed with television. Think about it! When you were a kid and you got sick, what did your mom, dad or legal guardian give you to make you feel better? A day off school and full control of the TV remote. Parenting was a lot easier in those days, but it must have worked ’cause you’re still here. So, with that in mind, let’s take a look at a few other ways to cope with these troubled times. (BTW, for some of the bigger problems, we’ve added alcohol to the mix.)
Stress (Men) — Any television game that involves a ball — and beer.
Stress (Women) — Braless, red wine, chocolate and back-to-back-to-back Kate Winslet movies
The Common Cold — Mad Men and mimosas. It will dry the snotties, make you feel better about your lot in life, and the orange juice will give you a jolt of vitamin C. (Plus, it kinda drags in the middle, so you might fall asleep.)
The Flu — Chicken soup and Daytime TV. Trust me! Bob Barker, The People’s Court and Days Of Our Lives have done more for the general health of this world that any pharmaceutical company.
Depression — Any recent Ben Affleck film. Seriously, if that guy can succeed in this world, your sorry ass shouldn’t have any problems.
Road Rage — Game Of Thrones! The worst commute in the world doesn’t hold a candle to what those poor bastards have been going through — for 7 years!
Procrastination — Lost! This pointless piece of junk goes so far sideways that eventually you’ll just walk away and do anything — ANYTHING! — rather than watch another minute.
A Broken Heart — Pizza, red wine, baggy pajamas and a weekend binge of Ryan Gosling movies. For really serious breakups, throw in a couple of Ryan Reynolds movies and a tub of Rocky Road ice cream.
4 thoughts on “The Television Cure”
OMG! I did the pizza, red wine, baggy pajamas and Ryan Gosling cure! Only I goofed and used it for a mild case of depression. Worked like a charm, though. (It was Lars and Real Girl, by the way. Highly recommend.)
I don’t know why a lot of people don’t like that movie
A bunch of ubermen or uberchicks with pucks or balls works miracles for me.
Nice little pharmacopoeia of antidotes there WD.
#2 works for me – just substitute the red for white, and that Winslet woman for any kick-ass female lead of the ilk of “Sarah Connor”, “Selene”, or “Aeryn-Sun”