The Royal Wedding is over, but there’s still time to indulge in that fine old international tradition: Making Fun of the Royals. This has been going on for centuries. In Colonial America, the newspapers were full of cartoons about George III, and I can’t even print what the French had to say about Henry V! So, since I’m beginning to think my invitation to the wedding didn’t get lost in the mail, and since this is going to be the last biggie royal wedding for a while (Prince George is only 4) here are a few catty remarks about the Royal Nuptials. If you watched the solid walls of media coverage, you’ll recognize the participants; but if you didn’t, don’t worry: they’re all the usual suspects.
It was a beautiful spring day in Windsor, and most of the hats looked as if their sole purpose was to confuse the pigeon population. Meanwhile, many of fascinators had obviously been designed to pick up Wi-Fi so that the various plus-ones could watch the FA Cup final during the ceremony. (FYI: Chelsea-1 — Man U-0)
Oprah Winfrey’s sack was a last-minute design by Stella McCartney and was securely cinched in the middle to prevent the heavy bits from shifting.
Sir Elton continued to break gay stereotypes by showing up in his one good outfit — again.
Whichever Williams sister it was, walked in as if she was looking for a fight.
Patrick J. Adams, Meghan Markle’s former co-star on Suits appropriately wore — a suit.
Thoughtfully, Princess Michael of Kent didn’t wear any jewelry. (Google it!)
Victoria (Posh Spice) Beckham got confused and thought she was going to a funeral.
It’s a pretty safe bet that Pippa (Middleton) Matthews, was told to keep her scene-stealing ass in line this time. So, rather than risk Royal censure, she came dressed as a can of Arizona Ice Tea. (You can Google this one, too.)
George and Amal Clooney spent most of the day looking utterly bewildered that nobody gave a damn whether they were there or not.
Ben Mulroney did a wonderful impression of a discount Justin Trudeau.
Harry’s ex, Cressida Bonas and Abigail Spencer (no relation to the real ones) clearly shop at the same store: Tesco.
Princess Anne went for either cultural diversity or cultural appropriation by wearing a kimono, but nobody was brave enough to call her on it.
Surprise! Surprise! Surprise! Sarah Ferguson (Fergie) Duchess of York was invited, but Prince Philip made her sit in the corner.
And speaking of Prince Philip, this guy is officially the toughest old bugger in the Commonwealth! He’s 96 years old, fresh off hip surgery, and yet he got out of the car and marched into Windsor Chapel as if his wife owned the place. The man is made entirely of gristle.
That low-level whirring sound everybody heard throughout the ceremony was Edward VIII, spinning in his grave, muttering, “American divorcee, my ass!”
Disclaimer: This is satire. In fact, I’m actually a hopeless monarchist and I love all the trappings that go with it. It’s the simpy/sappy media coverage I object to.