Recently, I discovered that I’m actually not a pompous ass. It was quite a revelation. I’ve been working under the delusion for years. Anyway, I took the test, and come to find out, I’m just an ordinary guy. (Who knew?) So, if you’re at all concerned about where you fit on the scale of pompous assery — take the test. (Europeans: don’t worry about question #1 — all your films are “foreign.” Vegetarians: disregard #4 – it’s for meat eaters.) Good luck!
1 — Do you prefer movies with subtitles?
Pompous asses believe they are cultural sponges, and they can magically soak up sophistication just by watching foreign films – whether they understand them or not.
2 — Do you automatically think people with English accents are smart?
Seduced by Downton Abbey, Game of Thrones and the many, many productions of Pride and Prejudice, the pompous ass looks at a clipped consonant as if it were an IQ test. That’s why so many advertisers use it for voiceovers.
3 — Do you eat a lot of food with French names?
Everybody knows that you can put mud through a French kitchen and it will taste good, but only a pompous ass gets fooled by the name.
4 — Do you secretly wish you could figure out how to become a Vegan so you can casually mention it to your friends at dinner parties?
Pompous asses groom their image as if it were an award-winning show dog. And speaking of dogs:
5 — Do you call the mutt you got from the Animal Shelter a “rescue dog?”
A pompous ass doesn’t understand that you don’t get extra points for giving an ordinary event a special name.
6 — Are you on Instagram instead of Facebook — even though they’re virtually the same and are both owned by that cyber-scoundrel, Mark Zuckerberg?
A pompous ass follows meaningless trends the way a southern bloodhound follows an escaped convict.
7 — Do you used words like “toxic,” “vulnerable” and “inappropriate” as if they mean something?
Pompous asses use buzzwords to camouflage their shallow understanding of the conversation at hand.
8 — Do you say “purchase” instead of “buy,” “communicate” instead of “talk” and “plethora” instead of “lots?”
Pompous asses love using 10-dollar words. It makes them feel ever-so-clever.
9 — Do you drink your coffee out of a paper cup?
The ubiquitous badge of the pompous ass is the paper coffee cup. Screw the environment: this is about cool!
If you answered yes 3 times or fewer – you’re fine.
If you had 4 to 7 yeses – you need to think about this.
Anything else – go walk your “rescue dog!”