There are tons of jobs in this world that nobody’s ever heard of. They’re not advertised anywhere — and companies will deny they even exist – but they do. And after years of research, I’ve managed to identify a few of them.
Flak Catcher – Every company on this planet employs an army of people whose only job is to answer the telephone and get yelled at. They’re the ones on the other end of “Customer Support.” They have no real power and can’t actually fix your problem, so they are just supposed to listen to your assortment of threats and obscenities and hope the hell you go away. Most companies prefer ex-nuns for this position.
Complimentary Crying Baby – You’d think that child labour laws would prevent this sort of thing, but every airline employs a variety of babies who fly around the world and cry — during takeoffs, landings and just when you’re about to take a nap. There’s a lot of room for advancement in this position, and many babies go on to become the “Obnoxious Child.” I have no idea why airlines do this, but I’m assuming it’s to boost liquor sales.
Motorcycle Rider – This occupation dates back to post World War II when housing developers hired ex-servicemen to roar around the streets of urban areas on noisy motorcycles. Their purpose was to “encourage” young families to buy houses in quieter suburbs — and it worked. These days, the building trade still hires “Motorcycle Riders,” and in some cities, it’s considered a growth industry.
Useless Government Employee – All governments hire one person whose sole purpose is to give you the wrong forms, send you to the wrong department or generally muck up the paper trail so completely that even Stephen Hawking can’t figure it out. They do this so the other government employees look good in comparison.
Cat Sex and Barking Dog – I don’t know how they train these animals, but pharmaceutical companies have employed them for years to help sell sleeping pills.
Arguing Woman – Always found in grocery stores, this person’s job is to hold up the line by arguing with the cashier over some ridiculous thing like expired coupons. The purpose is to stall you at the checkout long enough so you buy stupid crap you don’t really need — like magazines, gum and candy bars.
Movie Talker – The jerk in the movie theatre eight rows back who insists on explaining the coming plot twists to her hearing-impaired friend. I’m not sure who hires these people, but I imagine it’s probably Netflix, Hulu or some other streaming service.
Condescending Techie – Companies that sell electronics all have one techie who’s an utter asshole. His job (and it’s always a guy) is to roll his eyes, speak gibberish at you and reconfigure your device so you can’t find anything. They do this in the hope that you’ll eventually get so fed up with the problem you’ll just say, “Forget it!” and buy something new.
Stereo Guy – This is a seasonal position (summer only.) Air conditioning companies hire people to wait until midnight, turn their stereos up to a million decibels and blast Mega-Death Hip Hop Techno Country music into the stinkin’ hot summer night. The purpose is to force you to buy an air conditioner so you can close your windows against this unholy din without dying of heat stroke.
Dog Walker/Jogger – These people are hired by the police to go to secluded wooded areas and find dead bodies.