These days, everybody seems to be pissed off at somebody, and there are a whole pile of people out there who are making a career out of being angry. Folks! We need to calm down because, like it or don’t, we’re all in this together. Let me demonstrate. Here are just a few things that prove humans are one species and we all share a common experience. Everybody … EVERYBODY … has done these things – probably more than once. And, BTW, if you haven’t, you’re either lying or not from this planet.
You see a piece of lint or dirt or something on the kitchen floor and instead of bending down and picking it up, you kick it under the fridge.
You negotiate with yourself over how many cookies to eat or how many more episodes to watch — as if you can cut a deal with your own brain.
You madly clean the house before somebody comes over because you don’t want them to think you actually live like this.
You’ve experienced that nanosecond of panic when you think the Internet is out.
You buy extra stuff when you shop online just to avoid shipping charges — even though the extra stuff probably costs twice as much.
When you’re driving around looking for an address, you turn the music off — as if that’s going to help.
Sometimes, you forget a person’s name right after you’ve been introduced – and you fake it for the rest of the evening.
When you fill your gas tank, you try your damnedest to end on an even number — even if it means three or four extra jolts.
You’ve given that phony little laugh when you’re in a group and you’re the only one who doesn’t understand the joke.
At the grocery store, when someone is in front of the thing you want, you stand around, pretending to look at something else — until they leave.
You’ve excused yourself from a group of people at a party because you needed to find a secluded place to fart.
You press the “walk” button a couple of extra times as if that’s going to make the light change faster. (This doesn’t work for elevators, either.)
You try to channel The Hulk and carry all the grocery bags into the house in one trip – every time.
You give the tongs one or two little test drives before you use them.
When you see someone you kinda/barely know on the street, you avoid eye contact so you don’t have to have a conversation.
On occasion, when you’ve been invited somewhere, you say, “Sorry, I have other plans” — even when you don’t.
You’ve eaten a candy bar in the car (or the closet) cuz you don’t want to share.
When you hear an old song you like but don’t actually remember the words, you compensate by singing the chorus really loud.
When the remote doesn’t work the first time, you stretch your arm out closer to the TV – like that’s going to make a difference.
When someone shows you a picture of their kid, you say it’s cute — even if it looks like Satan and Medusa had a baby.