Stuff I’ve Learned From Life


I’ve been wandering around this planet for quite a few years now, and I’ve discovered a whole pile of cool things.  Most of it is useless information — like James Bond never wears lace-up shoes – and while that might be good for a few drinks on Quiz Night, it doesn’t exactly pay the rent.  In fact, these days, Wikipedia has put smart people like me out of business.  However, some of the stuff I know just isn’t generally available, and sometimes it can make life’s journey a whole lot easier.  So, here are a few things (in no particular order) that are kinda neat to know.

Venice isn’t fun anymore — it’s full.  One more busload of tourists and they’re going to change the name to Atlantis.

Never play peek-a-boo with a toddler on a transatlantic flight.  You’re trapped — and they’re relentless.

When the voice at the other end of the telephone says, “Your call is important to us,” you’re going to be on hold for a loooong time.

People with an accent are smart enough to speak at least one more language than you.

As you get older, the printed word gets proportionately smaller.

Hygge is real, and so is Pyt.  If you don’t recognize these words, you need to google them immediately.  It could change your life.

Saying “sorry” doesn’t do anything.  The idea that it’s some kind of emotional antibiotic is just contemporary crap.  The trick is not doing things that you have to apologize for.

Always eat the last cookie in the package.  Leaving it is an act of cruelty to the next person who thinks they’re getting cookies but … ends up with disappointment because who looks forward to eating just one cookie?

Hobbies are just work you enjoy.

For some weird reason, candlelight makes food taste better.

The minute somebody says, “I don’t judge” — they already have.

The difference between movies, films and cinema depends entirely on what kind of a pompous ass is talking about them.

Anybody can sell their soul, but it takes a real dick to get full value.

And finally:

Life is actually just a constant struggle between sexy and comfortable — but when the two of them show up in the same place at the same time, it’s absolutely fabulous.

Quit Taking Advice!


During my many, many (many?) years on this planet, I’ve noticed a lot of useful things.  Stuff like toddlers are sticky and can’t be trusted, donuts weight a lot more after you eat them and customer service usually isn’t.  But one of the most useful things I’ve ever run across is this — happy, successful people very seldom offer unsolicited advice.  Why?  Because they’re too busy being happy and successful.  The people who are always first off the mark with words of wisdom are the ones who’ve taken the “hit and miss” approach to life, and they subconsciously want to get you in on the plot.  Plus — and this is the important bit — they always have their own agenda.  Here are just a few people you should never take advice from.

Relatives – I have 3 standard responses to advice from the family.
1) “Thanks for the information, but I don’t think you’re qualified to give _________ (legal, medical, real estate, etc.) advice.”
2) “Thanks for the information, but I don’t have enough money to get rich quick.”
3) “Thanks for the information but ….  Are you out of your mind?”

Co-workers – Does it make any sense to take advice from a person who never washes their coffee cup, hides porn on their computer, invested a bunch of money in ostrich eggs and would cut your throat to get your parking spot?   No — no it doesn’t.

Strangers in a grocery store – When some hairy old person corners you in the vegetable aisle, starts talking about fiber and constipation and the only thing they have in their cart is 10 kilos of cauliflower – well — it’s time to move on.

Insurance people – Remember: their job is to take your money and never give it back — and their powers of persuasion are off the charts.  Listen to them for ten minutes and you’ll end up with flood insurance that doesn’t cover water damage, life insurance that’s automatically cancelled when you die and a $10,000 deductible on both policies.

Facebook – Statistically speaking, 50% of the people on Facebook are stupider than you are (Folks, that’s 1.16 billion people!)  Plus, somewhere north of 200 million profiles are babies, dogs and cats; over 100 million are serious drug users and another 80 million are fake.  The odds against you finding someone who actually knows what they’re talking about on Facebook are astronomical.  You’d be better off to go to Vegas and talk to the Blackjack dealer.  At least they legally have to tell you what your chances are.

Anyone under 25 – They begin every conversation with “It’s totally easy” and then start tapping icons on your phone like some Rhesus monkey with ADHD.  Eight minutes later, you have an Instagram account under the name of Wilbur and you’re doing all your banking at the Honest Shepherd Savings and Loan in Helmand Province, Afghanistan.

Old people – This is an easy one.  These fossils are always telling you what to do because they didn’t have the cojones to do it themselves when they were young.  Besides, they know they’re never going to have to face the consequences when things go south.  And don’t fall for that old “Don’t make the same mistakes I did” bullshit.  That’s just a sneaky way for old people to say “I think you’re stupid.”

And finally:

Me – At a time when the Internet allows you to have any identity you want, it doesn’t make any sense to choose to be an old, white, middleclass, heterosexual man.  This is the first group everybody accuses, the last group anybody listens to and the only group left that everybody can kick around with impunity.  So, why take advice from a guy who wasn’t smart enough to tweak his online persona just a little to get a bit of street cred?  Think about it!

We’re All The Same


These days, everybody seems to be pissed off at somebody, and there are a whole pile of people out there who are making a career out of being angry.  Folks!  We need to calm down because, like it or don’t, we’re all in this together.  Let me demonstrate.  Here are just a few things that prove humans are one species and we all share a common experience.  Everybody … EVERYBODY … has done these things – probably more than once.  And, BTW, if you haven’t, you’re either lying or not from this planet.

You see a piece of lint or dirt or something on the kitchen floor and instead of bending down and picking it up, you kick it under the fridge.

You negotiate with yourself over how many cookies to eat or how many more episodes to watch — as if you can cut a deal with your own brain.

You madly clean the house before somebody comes over because you don’t want them to think you actually live like this.

You’ve experienced that nanosecond of panic when you think the Internet is out.

You buy extra stuff when you shop online just to avoid shipping charges — even though the extra stuff probably costs twice as much.

When you’re driving around looking for an address, you turn the music off — as if that’s going to help.

Sometimes, you forget a person’s name right after you’ve been introduced – and you fake it for the rest of the evening.

When you fill your gas tank, you try your damnedest to end on an even number — even if it means three or four extra jolts.

You’ve given that phony little laugh when you’re in a group and you’re the only one who doesn’t understand the joke.

At the grocery store, when someone is in front of the thing you want, you stand around, pretending to look at something else — until they leave.

You’ve excused yourself from a group of people at a party because you needed to find a secluded place to fart.

You press the “walk” button a couple of extra times as if that’s going to make the light change faster.  (This doesn’t work for elevators, either.)

You try to channel The Hulk and carry all the grocery bags into the house in one trip – every time.

You give the tongs one or two little test drives before you use them.

When you see someone you kinda/barely know on the street, you avoid eye contact so you don’t have to have a conversation.

On occasion, when you’ve been invited somewhere, you say, “Sorry, I have other plans” — even when you don’t.

You’ve eaten a candy bar in the car (or the closet) cuz you don’t want to share.

When you hear an old song you like but don’t actually remember the words, you compensate by singing the chorus really loud.

When the remote doesn’t work the first time, you stretch your arm out closer to the TV – like that’s going to make a difference.

And finally:

When someone shows you a picture of their kid, you say it’s cute — even if it looks like Satan and Medusa had a baby.