A Sideways Glare at Contemporary Society
It’s May. The days are getting longer. OMG, the days are getting longer! We’ve been running out of things to do since half-past April, and now we’ve got more sunlight to cope with. God, it’s like news of fresh disasters! Not to worry, though. Here are a few activities that will take the sting out of self-isolation. Enjoy!
Collect all the plastic food containers in your house and spread them out on the floor. Now, one by one, try to match each container with a lid that fits. For extra fun, before you start, guess how many lids you’re going to have left over.
Dial random numbers on your telephone. Since the entire world is in some kind of lockdown, chances are good whoever you call will be home, and they might appreciate the opportunity to make a new friend – or not. Try to guess which it will be before you call. However, be careful with the time difference: people tend to be grouchy when you wake them up in the middle of the night just to say hi, and that will upset your results.
Teach yourself how to fold a fitted sheet. (No cheating with YouTube.) Fitted sheets are the Rubik’s Cube of bed linen and will provide hours of entertainment before you finally figure it out – if ever.
Pretend you’re a spy and, with a grocery receipt and various food items, try to decode the Bar Code.
Write a letter to your unborn granddaughter, explaining what a bra was.
Find the box of useless souvenirs that’s been in the closet for years. Identify each one and mail it back to the place of origin with a thank you note. It’s not like the folks at The Louvre have anything to do these days, and they might be grateful to hear you haven’t forgotten them. Plus, they can resell the item. Surely somebody else would love to have a plastic Venus de Milo with a clock in her belly.
Turn off the Internet. Wait as long as you can possibly stand it. Try to access Facebook or Instagram or Twitter. Feel that nanosecond surge of panic when the “Internet cannot be found” message comes on the screen. Then turn the Internet back on and feel the euphoric relief. Try it! It’s kinda like bungee jumping inside your own head.
Check the lyrics on all those great old songs you’ve kinda/sorta forgotten the words to. Print them out, and while you’re washing your hands, mumble the chorus and then sing the verses really loud. It will be a whole new thing for you.
Adopt an ungrateful celebrity and explain to them how the real world works. That should take a while.
Try to figure out which Covid-19 conspiracy theory is the most batshit crazy. You can start with how the 5G network spreads Covid-19 or – no! wait! – even better! – how this whole thing was caused by some teenagers in Iowa playing Jumanji.