Although old is a relative term, generally, old people never get anything and (some would say) deserve even less. Children annoy them, teenagers avoid them and adults talk to them in that voice we reserve for pets. Their stories are long, their habits are confusing and they play way too much “Remember When.” However, old people have it over everybody else on the planet because they have their own set of gods! These gods and goddesses, like the pantheon of Valhalla or Olympus, govern all aspects of “older” life. They appear to us slowly as we tack on the years. They slyly watch as we slowly trade in our tequila for iced tea, push-up bras for baggy sweatshirts, stiletto heels for comfortable shoes and muscle cars for minivans. And by the time we’ve replaced vodka shots with a glass of wine and clubbing with crossword puzzles, they have our fate firmly in their hands. These gods should not be ignored because we’re all going to have to deal with them one day.
Cutonya – The goddess of beautiful grandchildren. With one glance, she turns any grandchild into the cutest, funniest, most talented little kid on the planet.
Kwikus – This is the god who manipulates the calendar so that days, weeks and seasons magically disappear, and suddenly it’s Christmas– again.
Noxia — This is the god who finds joints and muscles we never knew we had and torments them with annoying little aches and pains. This is punishment for all the times we were mean, thoughtless and rude when we were younger. Get used to it!
Poof — The goddess of the unexpected fart.
Scritch – The god of the inappropriate itch.
Folus — The god of aggressive nose hair.
Wat – The god of selective hearing. This god saves us from all the stuff we didn’t really want to hear in the first place.
Notagin — This is the most helpful of the gods. He’s the one who protects us from all evil. He keeps track of our experiences and steers us away from making the same stupid mistakes we made when we were kids. We should never overlook Notagin, because old people who do, end up giving all their money to Nigerian princes or greedy grandchildren who have no honour.
Myosotia – Sometimes called the Goddess What’s-Her-Name, she takes proper names and puts them just out of reach. She also hides small objects like keys in the very place we left them. Oddly enough, Myosotia doesn’t bother with memories that are 20, 30 and even 40 years old — which remain crystal clear.
Metamorpho – This god transforms professional people like doctors, lawyers, accountants, police officers and even judges and politicians into children – who get younger and younger every year.
Kilomornow and his twin sister Saggeth – These two tricksters love practical jokes like shrinking clothes that hang in the closet, adding extra numbers to bathroom scales, distorting mirrors and moving body parts just a little lower to the ground.
But mostly, old people’s lives are governed by the Queen of the Gods:
Idonkare – The most powerful goddess of all, Idonkare spends her time lounging around with her indolent lover, Sowat, playing backgammon and eating nachos, yet her power is so awesome that merely invoking her name brings harmony and comfort to the universe. For example:
“Looks like you lawn is gettin’ a little long there, Herb.”
“It’s the trendiest restaurant in town and I’ve got reservations!”
And, of course:
“Grandma, nobody wears a Hawaiian shirt and Lederhosen!”