Life does not come with a set of instructions. Around the time we learn to crawl, we’re taught what bites, what burns, what tickles and which farts just can’t be trusted — but after that, it’s all on-the-job training with live ammunition. Unfortunately, without any guidelines we really never know how we’re doing. Essentially, if life were a parlour game, we’d have no way to keep score or even know where we are on the board. C’est le vie!
There are, however, a few tricks one learns along the way. Since I’m a good guy who’s been wandering this world for a few years now, I’m going to pass a random sample along to you. They’re in no particular order — because if I actually knew what was important in life, I’d write the book.
1 — A low-cut sweater will fix a bad hair day.
2 — Nobody is ever going to look at you the way women in yogurt commercials look at yogurt — get over it.
3 — You know you’re fat when people start saying “Have you lost weight?” Nobody ever says that to skinny people.
4 — After high school you’re never going to use algebra again — ever.
5 — You know the relationship isn’t love when, during sex, you fantasize that your partner is someone else and, after sex, you fantasize you are.
6 — You’ve become an adult when your towels match.
7 — Eventually, every parent secretly eats a candy bar in the car, or the closet, or just around the corner so they don’t have to share it with their kids. (So you aren’t a selfish bastard, after all.)
8 — You know you’re old when younger people talk to you in that tone of voice we all reserve for children and pets.
9 — Later on in life, nobody but you is going to give a rat’s ass how hot you were in college, so you might as well take the four years and actually learn something.
10 — If you’re over 26 and your job still involves extra pickles, you’re doing something wrong.
11 — The biggest lie you’re ever going to tell yourself is “I’ll remember that.”
12 — You know you’re rich when you don’t have to look at the prices on a menu. You know you’re wealthy when you can do that at the car dealership.
13 — The difference between tragic hero/heroine and perpetual loser is five years.
14 — As you get older, Christmas comes faster and faster.
15 – There’s never going to be anything quite as cool as the other side of the pillow on a warm night.
And finally:
16 — The real secret to a happy and successful life is comfortable underwear. But you need to have enough money to afford it and the good sense to buy it.
WD Fyfe 
#5 reminded me of a Rodney Dangerfield bit. He said that one night, he and his wife were having sex and “nothing” was happening for either of them. He then asked her, “What’s wrong? Can’t you think of anyone either?” This was a great post.
Awkward!
Another great post! #7 – Guilty as charged several times over. #12 – My dad bought a Mercedes once, and when he tried to negotiate with the salesman, all the guy said was, “Bob, it’s a MERCEDES.” My dad paid the full sticker price.
Thanks so much. I’ve been away from social media for a while so I’m not ignoring your encouraging comments. I still look at the prices on the menu. cheers