One of the huge fringe benefits of being a writer is you get to sit around, do nothing and call it work. Your mind can wander wherever it likes, and as long as it comes back, you’ve had a productive day. Some stuff you use, some stuff you lose, but most stuff you just don’t remember. Here are a few things that I do remember.
A friend will offer to help you move. A good friend will offer to help you move the body.
You can buy a birthday cake and eat it all yourself. Nobody checks!
How come ghosts wear clothes? Did their shirt and pants die with them? What about underwear?
Up and down are opposites, but whether your house burns down or your house burns up, the result is the same – you’re homeless.
Opening the refrigerator and staring in does not produce something “really nice” to eat. It’s true. I’ve tried it.
When a vegan comes to your house for dinner, to be polite, you serve vegan food. But when you go to a vegan’s house, they never return the favour and cook you a steak.
Sometimes, I wonder if Vladimir Putin ever wonders, “Am I actually the bad guy?”
Daylight Savings Time is like cutting 10 centimetres (4 inches) off one end of a blanket, sewing it onto the other end and saying the blanket is longer.
The only game in the world that’s just as hard to lose as it is to win is Rock, Paper, Scissors.
When rich people play Monopoly, does it seem like work to them?
I’m absolutely certain that, in prison, murderers tease attempted murderers for not getting it right.
You have a favourite burner on your stove. Admit it! You know it’s true.
Adam Sandler isn’t actually funny, but he’s a nice guy and was on Saturday Night Live — so everybody gives him the benefit of the doubt.
When you throw a ball and your dog brings it back, it’s probably because they think you’re having fun throwing it.
In the Old Norse religion, Odin (the leader of the Gods) promised to rid the world of Ice-Giants. I’ve never seen an Ice-Giant, so that’s something to think about.