Tag: funny stuff

Top 10 Jokes of 2022

If you take the world seriously (which I haven’t for some years now) there’s enough going wrong these days that even optimists are getting the Windex out to clean their rose-coloured glasses.  Just when we thought things couldn’t get any worse – they did.  People are starting to read Kafka for laughs and Cormac McCarthy is beginning to look downright light-hearted.  However, rather than dwell on the obvious let’s stop for a moment, pour a beverage and relax.

Remember, August is that time of year when the local folks of Edinburgh rent their houses out for mucho dinero and bugger off to Spain; chased out of their town by the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.  For those of you who’ve never heard of the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, that’s too bad because it’s the greatest mish-mash of all-things-considered in the world.  The Edinburgh Fringe is actually several coexisting arts festivals that run amok, day and night, through the streets of Edinburgh for the entire month of August.  It was started in the late 1940s by some university students, and even though it’s become internationally huge, it still maintains its undergraduate Alphagetti-for-breakfast air.

One of the biggest parts of The Fringe is comedy; some good, some bad, some awful.  And even though humour has been outlawed by the woke crew the Fringe keeps plugging away.  And after a Covid hiatus, it has produced a Top Ten list of the funniest jokes of the Festival.  This is this year’s offering.  So, as the world continues to spin, tune out for a second and remember we’re still the funniest species on the planet.

1. “I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn’t get pasta” – Masai Graham

2. “Did you know, if you get pregnant in the Amazon, it’s next-day delivery” – Mark Simmons

3. “My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock” – Olaf Falafel

4. “By my age, my parents had a house and a family, and to be fair to me, so do I – but it is the same house and it is the same family” – Hannah Fairweather

5. “I hate funerals – I’m not a mourning person” – Will Mars

6. “I spent the whole morning building a time machine, so that’s four hours of my life that I’m definitely getting back” – Olaf Falafel

7. “I sent a food parcel to my first wife. FedEx” – Richard Pulsford

8. “I used to live hand to mouth. Do you know what changed my life? Cutlery” – Tim Vine

9. “Don’t knock threesomes. Having a threesome is like hiring an intern to do all the jobs you hate” – Sophie Duker

10. “I can’t even be bothered to be apathetic these days” – Will Duggan

Just Some Thoughts

One of the huge fringe benefits of being a writer is you get to sit around, do nothing and call it work.  Your mind can wander wherever it likes, and as long as it comes back, you’ve had a productive day.  Some stuff you use, some stuff you lose, but most stuff you just don’t remember.  Here are a few things that I do remember.

A friend will offer to help you move.  A good friend will offer to help you move the body.

You can buy a birthday cake and eat it all yourself.  Nobody checks!

How come ghosts wear clothes?  Did their shirt and pants die with them?  What about underwear?

Up and down are opposites, but whether your house burns down or your house burns up, the result is the same – you’re homeless.

Opening the refrigerator and staring in does not produce something “really nice” to eat.  It’s true.  I’ve tried it.

When a vegan comes to your house for dinner, to be polite, you serve vegan food.  But when you go to a vegan’s house, they never return the favour and cook you a steak.

Sometimes, I wonder if Vladimir Putin ever wonders, “Am I actually the bad guy?”

Daylight Savings Time is like cutting 10 centimetres (4 inches) off one end of a blanket, sewing it onto the other end and saying the blanket is longer.

The only game in the world that’s just as hard to lose as it is to win is Rock, Paper, Scissors.

When rich people play Monopoly, does it seem like work to them?

I’m absolutely certain that, in prison, murderers tease attempted murderers for not getting it right.

You have a favourite burner on your stove.  Admit it!  You know it’s true.

Adam Sandler isn’t actually funny, but he’s a nice guy and was on Saturday Night Live — so everybody gives him the benefit of the doubt.

When you throw a ball and your dog brings it back, it’s probably because they think you’re having fun throwing it.

And finally:

In the Old Norse religion, Odin (the leader of the Gods) promised to rid the world of Ice-Giants.  I’ve never seen an Ice-Giant, so that’s something to think about.

My Sympathies!

There are tons of people in this world I truly feel sorry for — and not just the usual suspects, either.  I feel sorry for those folks who never get to ride the sympathy train — people, who, for one reason or another, have been neglected by the caring/sharing 21st century.  For example, nobody ever feels sorry for Mark Zuckerberg, but can you imagine how disheartening it must be to wake up every morning and realize you’re still Mark Zuckerberg?  See what I mean?  Anyway, here are just a few folks I feel sorry for – and why!

I feel sorry for atheists because…

They have nothing to say when somebody sneezes.
They have nothing to scream when they’re having great sex.
And they have no one to appeal to when they’re scared shitless.

I feel sorry for rich people because…

When you can buy whatever you want, whenever you want, Christmas and birthdays must be a total disappointment.
They never get super-psyched when they find money under the cushions of the sofa or in a pair of old jeans they were going to give to charity.
They never get to sit around and imagine how cool it would be to win the lottery.

I feel sorry for joggers because…

They have to go outside in the cold, the wind, the rain and all kinds of crappy weather — when sensible people have just said, “To hell with it” and curled up with a good book.
They must spend hours and hours trying to figure out how to work jogging into every conceivable conversation.
They’re the ones who always find the dead bodies.

I feel sorry for Californians because…

When people want to sound brainless, they always fake that “whatever” Valley Girl accent.
Half their state is asphalt and the other half is on fire — so how much fun can that be?
One of these days, a massive earthquake is going to come along and kill them all.

I feel sorry for sensitive men because…

Even though all the girls tell the world that you’re exactly the kinda guy they’re looking for, chances are good that the minute some bad boy comes along, you’re going to get dumped into the “friend zone.”
Every time your girlfriend says “What are you thinking?” you’ve got to scramble to come up with something — even though the only thing playing in your head is Vader’s Theme from Star Wars!
You have to spend your entire life pretending that you forgot you have testosterone.

I feel sorry for the British Royal Family because…

They always have be in a good mood and never get to just lose it and start swearing at strangers who annoy them.
They can never excuse themselves to go to the toilet.  They have to hold it – sometimes for hours.
Every moron in the world can criticize them, call them names and say they’re useless — and they can’t do anything about it.

I feel sorry for millennials because…

They have to use words like “re-gifting” and “tasking” and “self-care” — which make them all sound like complete idiots.
It must be very discouraging to spend every day rediscovering that you’re not the centre of the universe.
All the other generations think they’re assholes.

But mostly:

I feel sorry for smart people because…

They have to work twice as hard as everybody else to find an interesting movie on Netflix.
They actually understand how totally screwed the world really is.
They have to start a blog to find other smart people to talk to.