Author: wdfyfe

Before WD called himself a writer, he worked at a number of different jobs from stacking lumber to interior design. He studied English at UBC and creative writing at ASU where one of his teachers, Rita Dove, taught him the importance of the tale. He has written for radio, magazines and newspapers, but never television. He’s published both fiction and nonfiction in Great Britain and the US. He reads French passably and speaks enough Spanish to get from A to B and find the toilet. He has interviewed John Cleese, Peter Ustinov, Margaret Drabble, Kenneth Branagh and enough other famous people to make him a hopeless name dropper. His not-so-secret passions are history and trivia, and he has never lost a game of Trivial Pursuit — although he did come 4th one drunken Quiz Night at the Uxbridge in Notting Hill. He lives on the Pacific Ocean, although, not close enough to see, so he spends his days looking at a computer screen. It’s a wonderful life and he has only one regret: he can’t type faster.

People Lie!

LyingPeople lie.  It’s as natural as breathing.  Sometimes we do it for a good reason, but mostly we do it just because we can.  Here are a few examples:

At the dentist:
What they say — “You might feel a little discomfort.”
What they mean — “Welcome to Doctor Mengele’s Emporium of Pee-Your-Pants Pain.”

At the gynecologist:
What they say — “Just relax and let’s take a look.”
What they mean — “Brace yourself, honey. We’re on a quest to find the source of the Nile.”

When you ask directions in a strange city:
What they say — “You can’t miss it.”
What they mean — “I have no idea what you’re looking for, but I know most of the stuff in town is over there — somewhere.”

At a dinner party:
What they say — “I tried something new.”
What they mean — “Your food is going to taste like socks.”

Talking to the computer salesperson:
What they say — “It’s got 8.00 GB usable 64 – bit OS and 1.60 GHz.”
What they mean — “You’re so stupid I could sell you a dead donkey if it had an Apple logo on it.”

At the grocery store:
What they say — “Organic.”
What they mean — “Twice the price and half the taste.”

Internet Travel Advertisements:
What they say — “Hawaii! Airfare from $299”
What they mean — “Hi!  We’re just here fishing for idiots.”

Internet Travel Sites:
What they say — “Hawaii, airfare from $299”
What they mean — “Caught one!”

At family gatherings:
What they say — “It’ll be fun.”
What they mean — “Come on over.  The uncles are going to fight with each other and their kids are going to act like a troupe of deranged orangutans.”

Telephoning the Government:
What they say — “Your call is important to us.”
What they mean — “The department you want is playing Candy Crush right now, but how about a 3 hour rendition of Wagner’s Ring Cycle for flute and bassoon?”

Talking with friends:
What they say — “We’ve been friends for a long time.”
What they mean — “I want to borrow money.”

Arguing with friends:
What they say — “Let’s agree to disagree.”
What they mean — “I can’t believe I’m friends with you — you moron.”

Talking with friends of friends:
What they say — “Yeah, I’ve known him since high school.”
What they mean — “I’m a way better friend than you are.”

Arguing with anybody:
What they say — “That’s racist.”
What they mean — “Wow!  What a logical and concise argument.  This conversation is over.”

Talking with the boyfriend:
What they say — “Hey, love!  What ya thinkin’?”
What they mean — “Any chance of getting laid?”

Talking with the husband:
What they say — “Hey, love! What ya thinkin’?”
What they mean — “Any chance of a sandwich?”

Talking with the girlfriend:
What they say — “Does this dress make me look fat?”
What they mean — “It better not, or the only thing you’re going to be touching after the party is yourself.”

Talking with the wife:
What they say — “This dress makes me look fat.”
What they mean — “I gave up Andrew, that drop-dead-handsome lawyer for you. The least you can do is have the decency to lie to me.”

Stupid vs Politically Correct

stupid1Our society has finally fallen into the abyss.  It is now more acceptable to be stupid (dumb-to-the-bone stupid) than it is to be politically incorrect — and I can prove it.

Recently, my country had a national election.  It was quite the dog-and-pony show.  Every party employed a small army of people whose only job was to comb through the Internet.  They were searching for any racist, sexist, homophobic, generally inappropriate words or actions that members of the opposition may have ever made (at any time in their Internet history.)  The hope was they’d find something that would discredit the opposition with their own words.  No surprise!  They found quite a lot.  (It’s amazing to me that most people still don’t understand the Internet is permanent.)  Anyway, once the politically incorrect morsel was found and the offending candidate was “outed” for being offensive, it was always the same drill.  The candidate would apologise — claiming youth, poor judgement, a bad hair day, whatever — and withdraw from politics before the Internet lynch mob could sink their teeth into them.  This happened several times during the election — except for one candidate.

Here’s how it went down.

One candidate made some very, very politically incorrect remarks about a picture of the gates of the Nazi death camp, Auschwitz.  She was called on it, and the eagerly offended social media mob began to gather.  Now, here’s the game changer.  Instead of dutifully feeling shame and slinking off into the darkness, the candidate responded by saying she didn’t mean any harm and she wasn’t actually being insensitive to 6 million murdered Jews because “Well, I didn’t know what Auschwitz was, or I didn’t up until today.”  Whoa!

I guess this could happen.  After all, Frodo, Pippin and Samwise Gamgee probably never heard of Auschwitz, but they were hobbits and grew up in Middle Earth.  For the rest of us, the Holocaust is one of the biggies.  We learned about it in school — grade school.  Plus, if you missed that week, there have been a number of books written about it that probably mentioned Auschwitz — as well as television programs and films (if you’re not into that whole literacy thing.)  Schindler’s List for God’s sake!  Besides, one would think, as a political candidate for national office, at some point in her career she might have had a political discussion.  That discussion could have featured — Oh, I don’t know — maybe — human rights, major turning points in history, recent acts of genocide, and the name “Auschwitz” could have come up.  After all, one of her friends thought Auschwitz was important enough to go there and take a picture.  Just sayin’.

But it gets worse.

After she assured the world that she was ignorant not insensitive, there was no general outcry for her to step down.  No one seemed to care that if she somehow managed to miss Auschwitz, on the learning curve, she may have missed a few other things as well.  In fact, there were a lot of folks actually defending her on social media.  Kinda like “Hey, just ’cause she’s stupid that doesn’t mean she’s a bad person.”  Or  “Making a dick joke about Auschwitz doesn’t prevent her from being a thoughtful and thorough lawmaker who will help direct the cultural and political aspirations of our country — because (as she freely admitted) she didn’t have a clue what Auschwitz was in the first place, nor any idea what its major cultural and political significance is to contemporary civilization.”  I’ll just let that last one sink in for a minute.

Because it gets worse.

On election night, the candidate who asked the question, “What’s an Auschwitz?” didn’t get elected — but she did get over 10,000 votes.

I rest my case.

Halloween: A User’s Guide

boathouse
Our House Last Halloween

Okay, I’ve had enough!  Hallowe’en is one of the coolest holidays on the calendar, but lately it’s been disintegrating into a dress-up party for icky people.  Maybe it’s just the sugar shock, but I don’t care.  Folks, there are rules to these things!  For God’s sake, take a minute and think about what you’re doing before you go out and make a jackass of yourself this October 31st.  So, once again, here are a few guidelines.

First and foremost:

Halloween is scary, not gory.  If your costume features internal organs, four pints of fake blood or a severed limb, you’re not doing it right.  Mutilation is not frightening; it’s gross.  It amazes me that the very parents who call in the grief counsellors when their child discovers the goldfish is dead will stick a fake chainsaw through their abdomen, smear themselves with enough guts and blood to sicken Jack the Ripper and congratulate themselves on their imagination.  People, your kids can see you!

Secondly, sex:

Ladies, a one-piece, French-cut bathing suit is not a costume.  Nor do furry ears and fishnet stockings turn you into a cat, dog, bunny, wolverine or dingo.  And that goes double for those little red rayon devil horns.

Likewise Couples!  Yeah, yeah, yeah, you’re just a couple of wild and crazy kids, but the Nut ‘n’ Bolt or Plug ‘n’ Socket costumes are totally overdone.  Everybody knows you two have sex — you’ve been living together for 8 years and you’ve got 2 kids.  Give the nudge/nudge, wink/wink innuendo costumes a rest!

And Gentlemen, exaggerated genitals are just nasty.

In short, remember there’s a noticeable difference between sexy and smutty.  If the button-down woman from Accounting comes to the party as Scheherazade – that might be stereotypical, but it’s sexy.  If Roger from sales shows up as the Genie with a magic lamp glued to his crotch, that’s just smut.

And speaking of sexy, Little Bo Peep, Little Red Riding Hood and Little Miss Muffet are not sluts – they’re storybook characters.  The operative word here is “little.”  There’s nothing wrong with risque on Hallowe’en, but there are plenty of grown-up women to choose from, like Pocahontas, Maid Marian or that scary chick from The Avengers.

Now for some don’ts:

If Mother Nature and Happy Meals™ have made you the Fat Elvis, do not dress up as the skinny Elvis.  That’s just sad.  Go for the sequins — not the leather.  Otherwise, you’ll look like a hyper-extended Italian handbag.  Basically, (and this goes for all costumes) you need to use that full length mirror before you prance out of the house on Hallowe’en.

Priests, nuns and the Pope are not costumes – they’re part of a religion.  Honestly, would you go to a Hallowe’en party dressed as a Lutheran or the Archbishop of Canterbury?  If you’re going to make fun of somebody’s faith, pick on the Moslems: they bite back.

Don’t let your kid get carried away.  For example, a ten-year-old in a Lady Gaga extravaganza is beyond inappropriate.  Lay out some ground rules for Jane Jr. or you’re going to end up hating each other when she finally gets to therapy.

Never, never, never, under any circumstances, put a costume on your pet.  That is just mean.  Dogs, cats, ferrets, budgies and, smart as they are, even pot-bellied pigs don’t know it’s Hallowe’en, and they trust you.  Don’t make them look stupid.  (Where the hell is PETA when you need them?)

A word about vampires and zombies:

I don’t care what Anne Rice or what’s-her-name from Twilight says, vampires are not gentle souls.  Nobody should cuddle up with a vampire and watch Dancing with the Stars.  If you do, you deserve everything you get.  Therefore, if you’re going to do vampires this Hallowe’en, put some heft into it: look the part, and a little Euro-trash accent wouldn’t hurt.

Zombie costumes are just sorry.  Everybody and their friend has been doing zombies since HBO discovered them.  If you have so little creativity in your life, grab a sheet and go as Casper. Believe me, it’s the lesser of two clichés.

Some At-Home etiquette:

If kids still come to your door on Halloween, it is never acceptable to give out lame treats.  I don’t care how committed you are to a better society; one night a year, you can lighten up.  For example, do not give out toothbrushes, dental floss or mouthwash.  Organic Free Range oatcakes and that kind of crap are just barely acceptable – but only if you shut up about it.

Likewise, October 31st is the wrong time of the year to start lecturing people on the long and unfortunate history of witches, the evils of 2,000 years of Christianity or the minutiae of Wicca folklore.  You’ve got 364 other nights of the year to be a pain in the ass; choose one!

One more thing:

Building is better than buying.  Part of the buzz of Hallowe’en is putting together a costume.  Any fool with a credit card can be Snow White or the Wicked Witch, but it takes real imagination to go as the Apple.

And finally:

Halloween is not carte blanche to be a jerk.  Scaring the bejesus out of your drunken friends is one thing, but pulling that crap on little kids isn’t very nice.  Remember, you’re the adult here.

This is serious, folks.  Hallowe’en is an important event.  Please use some discretion. (Look what happened to St. Valentine’s Day!)

Happy Hallowe’en, everybody!