Author: wdfyfe

Before WD called himself a writer, he worked at a number of different jobs from stacking lumber to interior design. He studied English at UBC and creative writing at ASU where one of his teachers, Rita Dove, taught him the importance of the tale. He has written for radio, magazines and newspapers, but never television. He’s published both fiction and nonfiction in Great Britain and the US. He reads French passably and speaks enough Spanish to get from A to B and find the toilet. He has interviewed John Cleese, Peter Ustinov, Margaret Drabble, Kenneth Branagh and enough other famous people to make him a hopeless name dropper. His not-so-secret passions are history and trivia, and he has never lost a game of Trivial Pursuit — although he did come 4th one drunken Quiz Night at the Uxbridge in Notting Hill. He lives on the Pacific Ocean, although, not close enough to see, so he spends his days looking at a computer screen. It’s a wonderful life and he has only one regret: he can’t type faster.

Life Is Too Short…Not!

yolo2I’m going to tell you a secret that’s going to shake up your world if not actually change your life.  It’s one of those things that nobody thinks about until it’s too late, but because I’m a good guy, I’m going to give you the heads up.  Make of it what you will; but first, a little background.

Ever since the Stoned Age, all kinds of normally sensible people have been yipping about how short life is.  Used as an all-purpose excuse for juvenile behaviour, in the ensuing decades, “Carpe diem” was repeated so often it became the mantra of the second half of the 20th century — and beyond.  Here in 2013, it’s considered an irrefutable truth, bestriding our culture like the Colossus of Rhodes.

Crap!  The real truth is life is the longest thing you’re ever going to do.

I’m not going to argue the metaphysics of eternal consciousness.  That’s for sophomore philosophers with time on their hands.  My point is much simpler than that.  The reality is here you are, and until your bodily functions cease to function, here is where you’re going to stay.  Even though the length of your life is a tremor in the earthquake we call history, it’s all you’ve got, and you should treat it with some respect.

The problem is most contemporary people are so obsessed with their lack of time that they completely forget about the quality of life.  They’ve turned what should be a series of wonderful adventures into a putt and bounce game of off-handed actions and unintended consequences.  Metaphorically speaking, the result is we spend most of our lives trying to pay for the meal we never planned to have in the first place — because some idiot told us life’s too short to do otherwise.

For example, losing your virginity is one of the biggies.  It’s a magical moment that is literally a once-in-a-lifetime experience.yolo   One would think there would be some pomp and circumstance to it; at the very least, a drum roll.  However, for most of us, it was a fumble/stumble extended cuddle that got out of hand.  We definitely remember where and when and think fondly of our partner, from time to time, but most of us can’t accurately conjure up a face.  In general, people have more details about their 40th birthday party (and not just because they have photos) — they probably spent more time planning it.

It’s the same with the jobs we do.  I’m constantly struck by how many people spend their lives hating their careers or the lack there of.  The coulda/woulda/shoulda of gainful employment has almost become a cliché in contemporary society.  I understand that not every accountant can be a lion tamer.  However, just because you can’t tame the lion, that doesn’t mean you have to spend your life doing something completely different.  Join the circus, for God’s sake; at least you’ll get close.  After all, unless your dad’s name is Bill Gates, a job is going occupy a third of your life.  “Close” counts!   The formula for misery is the Monty Python approach to career management.

It’s the same with our homes, our friends, our families, the junk we eat for breakfast and on and on.  For the most part, we live off the top of our heads because we’re convinced “life is too short” to pause its relentless path for five seconds to think about what we’re doing.

Nobody goes to a travel agent, tosses a credit card on the desk and says, “Send me somewhere!”  We think about it, ask around, do some planning; not because life is too short to miss that fantastic destination but because our two week vacation is too precious to screw up.  Yet, for the other fifty weeks of the year, we mostly settle for mediocre when a modicum of planning would give marvelous results.

Life is not too short.  Actually, if we’d quit wasting time chasing, catching and suffering the consequences of instant gratification and spent more time dealing with the stuff that really matters, we’d all think it was just the right size.

United Nations: The Theatre of the Absurd

absurdWhen I was a university kid, I got tangled up with a student drama group committed to the Theatre of the Absurd.  For those of you who haven’t had the pleasure, run for your lives.  I’m sure that some of it is good stuff, but my group were less than amateurs, with egos the size of Cleveland.  They spend most of their time talking about it (it being the absurd) and very little else.  By the time I realized they were never actually going to produce anything, I had 40 pages of freako dialogue written and a new understanding of just how absurd some things can be.  I resolved to steer clear of these folks in the future and have managed to do so for most of my life — until now.

Recently, the United Nations has unleashed a series of theatrical productions of such blatant absurdity as to do my long forgot, overly dramatic buddies proud.  They are called The Human Rights Council’s Universal Periodic Review.  I believe they’re basically improve, but the premise is member nations periodically pick out one country and then criticize its human rights record in the most preposterous terms possible.  I’m sure it’s all great fun, but last week it was Canada’s turn, and I must admit, I took exception.

For those of you who are unfamiliar, if you look at a map, Canada is the big red bit sitting on top of the United States.  We’re the folks who frequently get voted one of the best places on earth to live, and, except for the weather (pee-your-pants cold for six to eight months of the year) we are.  We’re a peace-loving folk who try to mind our own business.  The only shot we’re ever fired in anger (in our entire history) happened in the 90s when Brian Tobin put a warning volley across the bow of some Spanish absurd2fishermen who were stealing our cod.  We are a generous people and try to take care of our own.  Actually, you have to work hard to starve in this country.  Despite what our underworked media tells us, we’re not racists, sexists or homophobes (yobs don’t count) and the only things we actively hate are Toronto and Vancouver (in that order.)  We vote and complain in equal proportions, and our greatest fault is, as a nation, we’re hopelessly fair and oddly self-conscious about it.  Yes, we have some serious problems in this vast frozen Nirvana, but given what the rest of the world puts up with, we’re not doing too badly.  So I get a little tight-jawed when a bunch of scoundrels who wouldn’t know human rights if it bit them on the bum, start lecturing me and mine about how to conduct our affairs.

However, judge for yourself.  Here are some direct quotations (gleaned from the National Post) from the stand up comedy which is the United Nations.
Russia was concerned about Canadian “police actions of torture and cruelty against peaceful demonstrators.”
Pakistan was worried about Canada’s “increased poverty and unemployment rate among immigrant communities”
China pointed out there was “widespread racial discrimination in Canada.”
Egypt talked about “racial profiling in law enforcement action.”
And Cuba accused Canada of “racism and xenophobia”

But I’ve save the best for last:
North Korea said “We have serious concerns about continued violations of the right to peaceful assembly and freedom of expression, torture and other ill-treatment, racism and xenophobia.”
Iran complained about “violation of human rights by Canadian government” including (but, apparently not limited to) “child sexual exploitation and human trafficking, the right to food, discriminatory law and regulation against indigenous people and minority groups, including Moslem, Arab and African communities.”

These are pretty bold words from a crew of nations whose collective track record on human rights could be published as a How-To Guide for Satan.

I haven’t got time to go into the gory details but here’s a quick skim of just who these people are.HUMAN RIGHT COUNCIL MYANMAR UN

Neo-tsarist Russia – A place where Putin, the king without a crown, can toss your ass into the “dismantled” Gulag for singing protest songs, justice is a matter for the oligarchs to decide and the difference between criminal and businessman depends on who’s doing the shooting.

Pakistan – The land where fourteen-year-old girls get shot for wanting to go to school, most disagreements come with a complimentary car bomb and assassinating your political opponents is a standard election strategy.

China – One of several nations whose last legitimate election was …hmmm… never, blind poets have previous convictions, Nobel Peace Prize winners are currently in jail, and if your ethnic background is Uyghur, your sentence is determined before the trial.

Egypt – A country where the national sport is chasing Coptic Christians, beating them with sticks and leaving them for dead.

Cuba – An island nation whose salute to equality is putting dissidents, homosexuals, marijuana smokers and AIDS patients all in the same jail cell.

North Korea – An unheated wasteland where the biggest employer is the secret police, you can say anything you want in praise of Kim Jong-un and most government officials like to spend quiet evenings watching the peasants starve.

Iran – The land that time forgot, where women are stoned to death for having the bad manners to get raped, top government officials go to jail for consorting (or is it cavorting?) with evil spirits and genies, and the national pastime in denying the Holocaust.

They only way you could find a more scurrilous crew than these guys would be to join Evil-of-the-Month club.  But think about it, unlike my foolish university friends, who were just play acting, these boys are real and they figure they should run the world!

John Kerry, Korea and The Dragon Throne

korea8Do you ever wonder what happened to Kim Jong-un?  He’s that North Korean guy with all the nuclear weapons.  Believe it or not, it was just three weeks ago that he was striding around threatening to rain fire and hell on anything and anybody from Seoul to Guam (and all points beyond) unless he got what he wanted, which, BTW, was never made clear.  It actually got so serious that President Obama sent in some military ordinance — with real people inside.  So what happened?  Did he just take his finger off the trigger and go further out to lunch?  Maybe, but I don’t think so.  Even though I don’t have a direct line to the inner workings of American foreign policy (who does?) this is what I figure happened.

Okay, you do remember John Kerry?  He’s the guy who took Hillary’s job at the US State Department so she could run for President.  John’s been kicking around politics since the 70s and Washington since the mid 80s.  He was never what you’d call a go-to guy though.  After all, when it came to the biggest political decision of his career (Who’s going to be my Vice President?) he chose John Edwards.  Clearly, Kerry’s not exactly a fellow who does his homework.  Anyway, John’s job description comes with a couple of pages on nuclear crisis, so when Kim Jong whoever started cutting up rough, he packed his suitcase and headed for Asia.  After a couple of whistle stops in Korea and Japan (to reassure the locals that America would kick the snot out of Kimmie if it came to it) John went to China.  This is where it gets tricky.  Nobody in their right mind would suggest that the Secretary of State of the United States of America (President Obama’s personal representative on Earth) had been summoned to appear before the Dragon Throne.  However, a couple of Saturdays ago, there John Kerry was, all smiles and hairdo, standing around Beijing,korea7 diplomatic hat in hand.  Ostensibly, John was there to discuss the Korean problem with his Chinese counterpart, Yang Jiechi.  Sounds legit, right?  Maybe, but I don’t think so.  Personally, I think the Chinese wanted something.  Otherwise, they wouldn’t have let Kim Jong-un shoot his mouth off in the first place.  Secretary Kerry was there to find out what.

From here, nobody but John Kerry, Yang Jiechi and Wikileaks will ever actually know what went on — secret private talks are, after all, secret private.   However, unless you flunked history in high school (twice) you do understand that, despite a century of assurances to the contrary, secret protocols between nations do happen — with surprising regularity.  So it’s interesting to note that a couple of curious things have occurred since John and Jiechi put their heads together in the Forbidden City.  First, the Chinese government has suddenly jumped on the environmental protection bandwagon — which is totally odd because, less than a month ago, their official Party line was Climate Change was something the West had made up to piss them off.  Remember these are the folks who spray-painted the Beijing grass green to impress the IOC.  Secondly, and most curious of all, Kim Jong-un, who, two weeks ago, was mad enough to nuke a basket of puppies, has fallen off the radar entirely.  He doesn’t seem to want to vaporize his neighbours anymore, kill Imperialists, play with his warheads or even test his missiles.  In fact, aside from chillin’ with Dennis Rodman, nobody’s heard from the guy.

korea5So what caused these momentous events?  There are three possibilities.  One, John Kerry is the greatest diplomat since Coenus the Weary convinced Alexander the Great to give it up at the Ganges River, turn around and go home.  That’s a nice idea, but I don’t think so (given John’s track record.)  Two, the Chinese suddenly discovered their Inner Altruist and couldn’t wait to share it with the world.  Again, a nice thought but…  Or, finally, three, the Chinese (who, as you know, play puppeteer to Kim Jong-un’s marionette) got what they wanted.  Then, happy as a clam, they told Kim to sit down and shut up, tossed Kerry some Climate Change rhetoric to take home and called it a day.  If you go with Door #3 on this one, I don’t know what you bet — but I think you won.

But the most curious thing of all is, even with a multibillion-dollar budget it appears as if the folks down at Foggy Bottom have never seen fit to buy a copy of Sun Tzu’s The Art of War — and if they have they sure as hell have never read it.